Today ah ‘ave a black eye.
Ah ‘ave no idea ‘ow it ‘appen as ah can’t remember
but apparently surveillance cameras caught some action in le paddock.

A ‘orze, ‘oo look a lot like me, waz zeen assaulting Persil and Muzzer
on two separate occasions.

Of course it iz not me, ah would never do such a zing.

Muzzerr sure give ‘im a whopping.

As usual ah get le blame. Ah expected that. ‘It iz another little ‘orze’ ah zay, look, ah will find ‘im’. I do not know why zey do not believe me.

Ah show le photos to Gollamb and and ‘e agree, zere iz a little ‘orze
‘oo looks a lot like me ‘iding in le forest ‘oo come out and be naughty when ah am not around.
‘E zaid ‘e ‘as ‘eard about a small sheeps ‘oo do le same zing.

Muzzerr gave me zat, ‘For Gawd’s zake tell le truth’ look
when ah deny all knowledge of ‘aving been near le scene of la crime.

‘Well’, ah zay, ‘you ‘ave a stinky bottom’.

Le pooch giggle at zat one. Ah quite like ‘im, even if he do wear a pink collar.
We can’t all be fashion concious.

Even Madame Myrtle zinks ah am one funny ‘orze.

Of course, ah try not to laugh at mah own jokes.

Though sometime ah just can not ‘elp mahself and ah laugh zo ‘ard ah snort all over Muzzerr.

Zat waz when Muzzerr ask Uzzer Muzzerr to take me off ‘er ‘ooves.

Even Le Uncle was a grumpy ‘orze today. It must be le ‘eat.

It zo ‘ot later on, Madam Possovitz lay around watching surveillance TV like a big furry tart. Zat cat ‘as all la decorum of a bathroom sponge.

Even la pooch – Madame Magoo, and le cat, Monsiour Mooster share a spot under le table on le deck.
Zey are on surveillance duty. Zey appear to be on ‘igh alert.

It so ‘ot, ah feel an urge to apologise to Muzzerr.
‘Muzzerr’ ah zay, ‘Muzzerr?’

‘You ‘ave not really got a stinky be’ind’.

‘Why do ah always get le blame?’ ah ask.

‘Muzzerr, le sheeps zay le end of la world iz ‘appening next week’.

‘They zaid it ‘appen next Tuesday at 2.30pmish –
you will not even ‘ave ‘ad your dinner’

‘Muzzerr?’ now ah know she iz not listening.
She would usually be in a big panic about missing ‘er nums
because of le end of la world.

Le next zing, she turn around to Uzzerr Muzzerr and tell ‘er ah taste like le back end of a magpie. “ow does she know what le back end of a magpie taste like?
Ah ‘ave not been near any magpie’s back end.
‘What time is Num Time?’ she ask.

Yesterday ah waz convinced to walk up the tongue of le Monster and stand around inside for a bit.

After consulting with Muzzerr, ‘oo told me not to be such a big ‘Nancy Boy’…

and zen discovering zat inside le mouth of le Monster zere waz a selection of yummy nums ah decide ah would walk right in and ah wonder why all le fuss.
Ah am backed off and on a couple of times which waz annoying and all very boring ‘owever, ah did not zee any teeths or in fact le tonsils zat Le Uncle ‘ad been going on about and ah looked ‘ard.

La cats, Madame Possovitz and le elderly Monsieur Sticky Mooster were most impressed wiz mah bravery. Zey talk about it amongst themselves.

‘Zat is one brave ‘orse’ zaid Monsieur Mooster, ‘And ‘e’s zo ‘andsome and clever too’
Of course ah am not sure of ‘iz exact words as ah do not speak cat,
but ah know an impressed cat when ah zee one.

‘Aving got over mah ordeal, today, ah notice Le Uncle zampling zistle nuts.

Of course ‘e iz zo buzy with ‘is zistle nut zampling zat zis is too good an opportunity to miss.

Ah sneak up on ‘im…

Cleverly making sure zat ‘e iz still busy munching  ‘is nuts…

And ah bite ‘is bum.

Ah waz pretty sure ah ‘ad got away wiz it.

Zo just to be sure ah bite it again.

Only zis time ‘e get mad at me and tell me to ‘Bugger off’!
‘Bugger off you existentialist little John Paul Fartré’ was ‘iz exact words.

Zo zen ah ‘ave to run over to La Muzzerr ‘oo cuddles me
and tells me what a good little boy ah am.

She did not zee what ah did and ah am not telling ‘er.
‘Le Uncle call me a John Paul Fartré’ ah sob, which earns me a big drink
and a long boring talk about existentialism and John Paul Satre.

‘Ah am not John Paul Fartré ‘ ah zay.

Later on ah meet Le Uncle in le paddock and we ‘ave a chat.

‘Son’, ‘e zay, ‘you have got to stop running around playing the big Bum Biter’.

‘It’s not right,’ ‘e zay, ‘blokes like us don’t bite bums’.

Ah am so pleased to be called a ‘bloke like ‘im’, ah don’t even ask ‘im what we do do.

We stand around together and watch la girls next door for a while.

Zen ah get bored and ask Le Uncle if would like to play ‘Ad it up to ‘ere’.

‘I have had it up to here with you’ he roars.

‘Where?’ ah zay.

‘Le Uncle? Where ‘ave you ‘ad it up to?’

‘Le Uncle?’

‘E does not respond zo ah kiss ‘im.
‘E ‘ates it when ah do zis.

‘Look Mate, ‘e zay at last, ‘Your Mother and I have had it up to HERE’

‘No you ‘ave not,’ ah yell, while expertly ducking to the side…

Le Uncle ‘as not faced such brilliant manoeuvring in ‘is life before. ‘E iz up against le existentialist might of John Paul Fartré and ‘e don’t know what ‘as ‘it ‘im.

Today ah thought ah waz ‘earing voices…
‘CHEAP’it zaid. Waz it talking to me? Does sumbody zink ah am cheap?

Muzzerr and Le Uncle stood around snorting and giggling like big idiots.

Le Sheeps were listening in, zey want to know if ah cheaper zan ah look.

‘Crikey’ zaid Le Uncle Persil.

‘e always zay Crikey when he does not know what else to zay.

‘e pretend ‘e is not listening but ah know ‘e iz.

‘Cheap’ ah ‘eard it again,  and zis time ah zee ‘oo iz calling me cheap.

‘Are you calling me cheap?’ ah ask and ah use mah big growly voice.

Le Uncle look like ‘e just swallow le bird.

‘Cheap’ zay la bird but ‘e will not look me in le eye.

‘Just between you and me, ah am not a cheap ‘orze’.

‘CHEEEEAP,’ ‘e zaid, zis bird iz persistent, ah give ‘im zat.

Zen ah realise, ‘e iz not talking about me. Clearly ah am not a cheap ‘orze.
‘e iz referring to mah Muzzerr’s new ‘airstyle.