Monsieur Paterson, ‘oo ees a big pig, ate too much grass so ‘e ‘ad to lie down and sleep eet off.
Of course, because ah am a polite french ‘orze, naturally ah join ‘im so ‘e will not be lonely.

Ah may ‘ave eaten a bit much too.

Thees ees when Uzzerr Muzzerr decide to come and pay ‘er respects.
Of course, ah nimbly spring to mah feets.

Ah ‘ave to rock about a bit to get some momentum, ah am at mah maximum loading capacity…

And then ah am up.
‘Greetings Muzzerr,’ ah say, ‘you will not mind eef ah sit ‘ere for a bit? –
‘ere you can sit beside me, right ‘ere’

As she make no move to sit, ah get to mah feets and sigh ‘eavily.
‘What can ah do for you, Uzzerr Muzzerr,’ ah say.
Of course ah ‘ave no intention of doing anything for ‘er
but ah say eet because ah am a polite ‘orze.

Monsieur Paterson ees too busy stuffing ‘is face to say anything for once,
besides, ‘e ‘as ‘airy trouseurs on. Ah would never trust the word of a ‘orze ‘oo wear ‘airy trouseur

Ah mean look at them.

French ‘orzes know better than to go out and squeeze into 2 pair of ‘airy trouseur.

Of course, Monsieur Paterson, ees Irish, ‘e does not know any betteur.

Even Le Uncle, ‘oo ees Australian, would not be seen dead een such a fashion impediment. Ah must talk to ‘im about dribbling een public.

Suddenly, Monsieur Paterson, ‘e spot a ‘oly Crap.
Ah ‘ave not seen one of those een a long time.
‘B’Jaysus,’ ‘e say, ‘would ya take a look at dat’.

So ah do. Obviously, ah am le bravest ‘orze in le ‘ole paddock
and ah know a ‘oly Crap when ah see one.

‘QUELLE ‘ORREOUR!!!‘, ah shriek, as le ‘oly Crap suddenly leap up in le air.

‘What is it?’ ask Monsieur Paterson. Ah am able to inform ‘im that eet ees a ‘oly Crap, but ah secretly wish Le Uncle was ‘ere, ‘e would know what to do.

Monsieur Paterson and ah ‘ide be’ind a tree. No ‘oly Crap can see us ‘ere.
‘We must be very careful,’ ah say.

After an ‘our or two, ‘eet does not moved any more. So, being a very brave ‘orze, ah go to investigate.
Monsieur Paterson stay be’ind me as ‘backup’.

Le ‘oly Crap ‘as died.
‘Do not worry Monsieur Paterson, ah yell,
‘ah ‘ave dealt a mortal blow to Le ‘oly Crap, ‘e will not try that again’.
That will teach ‘im. No ‘oly Crap will get le betteur of  Zephyr Soprano.

Apparently, eet ees time for me to leave ‘ome.

Ah kiss Muzzerr tenderly Good Bye.

‘Adieu Muzzerr,’ ah say. ‘Eet ‘as been nice knowing you but now ah must be a Big Boy’.

Muzzerr, she try not to sob. Ah can tell.
It can not be easy saying Good Bye to me.

Even Le Uncle, ‘oo ees Australian ‘as a tear in ‘is eye.

Eet ees a tender moment.
‘Adieu Muzzerr,’ ah cry again, but she ees too busy sobbing into ‘er noms.

So ah check out mah reflection in le water bouquet.
‘Water water in le bowl,’oo is le most ‘andsome of them all?’

Naturally, eet ees still me, ah do not need a Water Bouquet to tell me that.

Ah wander over and check out Monsieur Patersons ‘aliotosis.

Eet could still knock out a camel at 40 paces.
Le Uncle told me that.

‘Monsieur Paterson’, ah say, ‘eet ees a shame there are no camels around ‘ere. Ah would be quite interested to see one knocked out by your ‘aliotosis’.

Then we both bid Le Uncle and Muzzerr a fond farewell…

Before walking off to le uzzerr end of le paddock.

Quelle ‘orreur, today a most ‘orrible thing ‘appen.
Muzzer and Le Uncle ‘ave absconded to le paddock next door leaving me be’ind to look after le senile Monsieur Patterson.

Ah call out to Muzzerr. ‘Muzzerr,’ ah say, ‘you seem to ‘ave forgotten me, your only son’.
But she ignore me and continue with ‘er ‘oovering.

Ah am very upset. Ah decide that ah will die now, then she will be sorry and come back.
Ah collapse to le ground.

‘Look Muzzerr’ ah yell, ‘ah am dead now so you ‘ad better come back’.
And ah roll about a bit groaning and moaning before lying still.

Then ah try anuzzerr position to be dead in.

It ees not very comfortable being dead.

Beside ah notice,  Muzzerr, she ees taking no notice at all!

So ah get up and ah gallop off and throw what Le Uncle call ‘a right wobbly’.

Ah can not believe they ‘ave forgotten me already.

Ah will show them. Ah am a war ‘orze and a war ‘orze need ‘is milk.

Ah stomp up and down le fence line.
Ah am a very impressive ‘orze.

Then ah see Monsieur Paterson, ‘e ‘as decided to try being dead.

Ah go over and tell ‘im ‘ow to do eet properly.

But ‘e ees ‘opeless at eet. ‘e ‘as no idea ‘ow to be dead.
‘You can not sit up eef you are being dead’ ah say helpfully.

‘e get to ‘is ‘oofs and ‘e tell me to buggeur off.

‘Can you do le spinach walk‘ ah yell.

The ah show ‘im mah peooff. Ah think  ‘e ‘as a very impressed look on ‘is face.

‘Now listen here,’ ‘e say, ‘dat is a simply brilliant piaffe, a horse like you should be in da Olympics no doubt about it’.
(at least ah think that what ‘e say – ah do not understand le Irish and ‘e ‘ad a ‘ole lot more to say about  ‘ow brilliant, ‘andsome and clever ah am)

But ah am too busy practicing le Spinach Walk again to listen to ‘im.


‘ah can also do le passage’ ah yell. Ah ‘ave been reading up on le dressage and ah know eet all. But Monsieur Paterson stick ‘is nose in le air.

‘Dats all a load of old bollocks’ he say, and ‘e stamp ‘is ‘oof.
‘What Oi tink is important’, ‘e say, ‘is how fast you can get to da watering hole’.

So ah then demonstrate mah turbo powered gallop.

Before slowing to a dignified canter in front of Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘oo ‘as been watching also.
‘Oh my poor little man’ she say, ‘are you OK?’
But ah ‘ave forgotten what ah am supposed to be not OK about.