Le Uncle ‘as agreed to watch sport with Muzzerr as ah can no longer associate with ‘er. She ees just too embarrassing.

Muzzerr, she ees looking forward to today’s game.

‘We must not be late Persil’, she say as she get a good place to stand on le field.

Mahself, ah cannot stand watching le sport.
Especially not with Muzzerr.

Muzzerr and Le Uncle watch as le door rolls up to reveal le first contestant.
They are all eyes agog.

‘Good on ya, Sport,’ mutter Le Uncle.

Muzzerr she ees strangely quiet. Ah think she ees trying to make a good impression with Le Uncle.

Of course eet ees too late for that.

Suddenly Le Uncle start up.
‘Christalmiody’ ‘e say, ‘they need ta stop fartarsing around and get on with eet’

Ah believe ‘e mean ‘Isn’t it a nice day please pass le carrots’.
Eet ees ‘ard to understand Australian but ah am getting le ‘ang of eet now.

Then, quelle ‘orreur, Muzzerr get going.
‘Blimey’ she say, ‘Open it up ya useless b’stard!’

‘We’re not at a piano recital’ she yell.

BOOOYAH!’ she scream,  although nothing ‘as yet ‘appened

She ‘as clearly ‘ad too much XtraCal

‘TOUCH DOWN!’ shout Muzzerr all of a sudden, and she stomp ‘er ‘ooves.

Even Beetle Magoo get all excited as le game start.
‘BooooYaaaaaah’ he shout, ‘Get a fricken wiggle on’.

Old Partly Bluett pipes up…
“What?’ ‘e say, ‘Something about a chicken wiggle?’

Madame Magoo try to look intelligent.
‘Chickens,’ she say, ‘they sit around on eggs all day you know’.

Le Uncle remind Muzzerr that een thees sport,
there ees no such thing as a egg. Just een case she think about getting all clucky again ‘e say.

Le Uncle then start explaining le rules to ‘er.
‘The point of the game ees’ ‘e say, but Muzzerr ees yawning loudly already.

‘Listen Merlot,’ Le Uncle try again,
‘eet ees all about getting the car out of the garage at speed without hitting anything’
‘BORING’ say mah Muzzerr.

Ah am so embarrassed ah ‘ide be’ind ‘er.
While ah am there, ah start to give ‘er a new tail style.

Ah am almost asleep as le car finally backs all le way out of le garage.

‘Well,’ say mah Muzzerr, ‘That took some skill’.
And we all wander off to eat some grass.

Muzzerr and ah ‘ave taken up watching sport.
Of course, Muzzerr ees a much bigger fan than ah am.
Ah merely accompany ‘er as a dutiful son.

‘Get a move on ya slack bastard’ she yell, ‘You couldn’t catch a cold’.
‘You’re about as useful as dinosaur repellent’ ah chime een.

Ah got that one off Le Uncle.

Muzzerr becomes louder and more embarrassing as le game wears on.

‘Hey you big hairy arsed wooss!’ shout mah Muzzerr.

‘You couldn’t hit water if you fell off a boat’

‘Put some power into it’ she yell,
‘you’re cornering like a one legged clydesdale’.

Ah ‘ad to laugh at that one. A one legged Clydesdale. Eh eh eh.

‘Ah snake with le false teeths could cut le grass better than you do,’ ah shout.
‘Good one Son” she said. Ah am getting in to the ‘ang of eet now.

‘A fish on a bicycle would have more style’ ah yell.
That made Muzzerr guffaw.

‘A French bicycle’ ah add. Muzzerr ‘ad to stop and think about that one.

Then she was off again – ‘Come on ya big Tossa’ she shriek.

‘What are you – a Daisy Cutter?’

‘A daisy cutter’ she sniggered to me – ‘did you get that Zeph?’

Sometime Muzzerr forget she ees not at a rodeo.
We are watching le next door neighbour cut ‘is lawns on le ride-on lawn mower.
Ah point out to Muzzerr that in fact le man ees probably cutting daisies.

She go all quiet after that.

Ah ‘eard le ‘ole country ees celebrating mah birth.

Eet ees a bit on le late side, but ah do not mind too much.

Muzzerr and ah practice posing for le royal photo opportunity.

We expect la ‘oardes of paparazzi to turn up any time.

And we are prepared for them. For now we ‘ave to make do with Uzzerr Muzzerr.

Muzzerr, she ees very proud. She ‘as been waiting for zis moment.

Ah practice mah Royal stance. When ah rule le country, all le dairy farms will become le carrot farms.

Even Le Uncle ees in on eet. ‘Crikey’ ‘e say, ‘those paparazzi blokes will be in for a right old earbashing from the old sheila’

As usual ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e eez on about.

‘What ees that you say Le Uncle. HUH?’

‘Oi was just saying that watching your Mother be interviewed on the idiot box
will be about as funny as a fart in a stable’ ‘e said.

‘That does not sound very funny to me, Le Uncle’ ah said.

‘Exactly moi son’ ‘e say, ‘and she’ll cause a bit of a kerfuffle
if there’s no lamingtons in the green room you know’.

‘e ‘as lost me.
Ah am bored with trying to understand Le Uncle’s Australian speech.
So ah fill mah mouths up with water.

Ah am  busy trying to see eef ah can roll my tongue
up like a straw and slurp water up it.

Ah uncurl mah tongue and le water falls off eet in a big waterfall.

Ah close mah mouths and ‘old most of le water
een mah cheeks and try to make Le Uncle think ah am still listening to ‘im.
Ah ‘ave mah royal listening face on but mah lips they start leeking le water.

Ah wonder eef loose lips sink ships because they leak.
Ah make a note to ask Uzzerr Muzzerr eef ships even ‘ave lips.

Le Uncle ees walking off when ‘e turns back to
stare at me out of le corner of ‘is eye.

Fortunately ah ave now stopped leaking and am
able to give ‘im mah most intelligent look.
Thees ees le look, ah decide that ah will use for all mah Royal Portraits.
And ah still ‘ave some water stored in le royal cheek pouches.