Australian Lectures

Today mah Muzzerr ‘as ‘ad it up to ‘ere wiz me again zo
Le Uncle and ah ‘ang out togezzer.
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‘e want to know what ah am doing.
‘Sharpening mah teeths’, ah zay. Zo ‘e ‘as to try it too.
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‘What shall we do now, le Uncle’ ah ask, ‘Huh? Huh?’
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We played ‘‘ad it up to ‘ere’ for a while.
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‘Muzzerr ‘as ‘ad it up to ‘ere’ ah yell.
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Zen le Uncle and ah invent a new game.
It iz called, ‘Bozzer le Uzzer Muzzer’ and it iz very clever.
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Le Uzzerr muzzerr zink wecan’t zee ‘er ‘iding be’ind a little black box she carry.
But we all know she iz zere.
Zo first, ah pretend ah ‘ave no idea where she iz.
“Ah ‘ave no idea where you are, Uzzer Muzzer’ ah yell.
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‘You are not ‘iding in mah arm pit ‘ ah yell.
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Zen a wander up to ‘er and stare right into le box.
‘But ‘ere iz a little black box’ ah zay, pretending not to notice Uzzer Muzzerr zo fat she need a ‘uge box to ‘ide ‘er.
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And ah get closer and closer until she ‘ave to move.
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Zen it is le Uncle’s turn.
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Except ‘e gets all serious and zay start talking.
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Zat iz not meant to ‘appen zo ah stare ‘ard at ‘er.
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But Le Uncle wants to discuss boring stuffs like what iz for le dinner.
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Zo zere iz only one zing left to do.
Ah bite ‘iz bum.
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And zen ah pull ‘is tail.
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And finally, ‘e walks away from ‘er and ah ‘ave to go wiz ‘im.
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‘Mate’ ‘e zay and ‘e clear ‘is throat and ah know ah am in for a big lecture
which I won’t understand a word of because it will all be in Australian.
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‘Strewth Mate ‘e zay, and zen ‘e zomezing about
‘a big wombat and a hairy little Tossa’
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Of course, ah don’t zay anything because ah am waiting for le punch line.
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Zen, because he iz staring at me waiting for me to zay zomezing,
ah ask ‘im what le punch line iz.
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‘Ow waz ah supposed to know ‘e waz not telling le joke
but waz waiting for me to apologise?
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