This morning ah wake up to le carpet of white cold sterf.

Ah ‘ave to be very careful ‘ow ah move on this.
‘Be careful Muzzeurr’ ah say, ‘You do not know ‘ow deep this is’.

Of course,  very quickly, ah become le expert.
All le ‘orzes for miles around will come to ‘ear me talk about being le expert.
eh eh eh.

L’Uncle, ‘e is impressed with mah skill.
This is ‘is impressed look.

Because ‘e is so impressed, ah ‘elp mahself to ‘is ‘ay bag.

And suddenly, ‘e does not look so impressed.

So ah take  l’uge mouthful, ah can not ‘elp mahself.

‘Strewth’ say L’Uncle, ‘do oi have to come over there and give you a bleeding hoofupyerbum?’

Le Bleeding ‘oofupyerbum? For me?
Ah ‘ave no idea what that is but ah feel
‘onoured that L’Uncle would  present me with what is clearly le valuable Australian artifact.

Did la queen get one when she visit? ah wondeur.

L’Uncle is looking at me strangely. ‘e is probably wondering where ‘e is going to purchase le Bleeding ‘oofupyerbum from. ‘e is looking at Muzzeurr, ah doubt she ‘as one or she would ‘ave given it to me by now.

Suddenly ‘e bart me for no reason ah can think of.

Then ‘e gallop off before ah can catch ‘im.
Ah run afteur ‘im. Ah want mah Bleeding ‘oofupyerbum.

‘L’Uncle, wait – aren’t you forgetting something?’

Ah am trotting afteur ‘im fasteur and fasteur

ah grab ‘old of ‘is smoking jacquet to slow ‘im down.
‘L’Uncle, give me mah Bleeding ‘oofupyerbum’.

Muzzeurr is watching us. ‘You will get that kick up your bum if you are not careful Son’ she yell.

Ah stop chasing L’Uncle, ‘What did you say Muzzeurr?’

‘I said, if you do not stop hassling your Uncle, he will give you a great big kick up the bum and I will not stop him’.

Somehow, this does not sound right; ah ‘ave to think about this.
Mah tongue tend to fall out of le mouth when ah think.
Le cold air on mah tongue feel good. le wind blow it sideway.
BRRRRRRRrrrrrrrppppppp it go.

Ah stick le tongue out some more. Ah can taste l’air.

L’Uncle is watching me taste l’air, ‘e will want some now.

Sure enough, ‘e ‘as to taste l’air too.
‘e only take sips.

We are now thinking of setting up our own Air Tasting club.
L’Uncle and Son.

Ah am to be interviewed for le day time TV…

Of course this mean ah must look le part.
Ah spend quite some time admiring le reflection in le car top.

‘Ow do ah look now Muzzeurr?’ ah ask, although this is just for formality as ah know ah am incredibly ‘andsome.

‘Son,’ she sigh, ‘you look magnificent’.

‘That is le correct answeur Muzzeurr’.

Before she can answer, la TV ‘ost is brought into le paddock by Uzzeur Muzzeur.

She introduce ‘erself to Muzzeurr and get ‘er permission to interview me.

Next, to mah chagrin, L’Uncle barge up to ‘er and tell ‘er a load of Australian rubbish.

‘That boy is bleuh bleuh  crocodile with a new hairdo’ ‘e whisper.

L’ost is also from Australia, so L’Uncle chat away in that ridiculous language, and she actually understand ‘im! Now ‘e will neveur shut up.
Something must be done and ah am l’orze to do it.

‘Excuse moi,’ ah say, ‘ah believe you are ‘ere to interview moi’.

She is filming le selfy with me as ah talk about mah life and world peace.
ah do not mind.

Ah do not really talk about world peace;
ah am interested in whether she ‘ave any carrot for me though.

Ah stare meaningfully into le camera lens.
‘Ah do not get out of le bed,’ ah explain, ‘for less than le bag of les carrot’.

Then, as suddenly as it begin, l’interview is oveur and ah am left distraught and carrotless and wondering what ‘appen. Surely that can not be all.
Ah am told, Reality TV go on for eveur.
Muzzeur, she could ‘ave ‘er own show also, ah am thinking –
‘Real ‘orzewives of le Paddock’.
‘Come back’ ah plead, but it is no use. She ‘as gone.

Muzzeurr, go off for le massage and came back with le ‘air cut to end all ‘air cut.

L’Uncle could not believe ‘is eye.
‘Crikey!’ ‘e exclaim.

Muzzeurr is embarrassed, ah am embarrassed for ‘er.

‘Best not say anything L’Uncle’ ah warn ‘im.

But it is too late..
‘Did yer get too close to the hedge trimmer’ ‘e blurt out.

‘I beg your pardon Persil?’
luckily she did not ‘ear what ‘e actually say.

L’Uncle wink at me before ‘e continue,
‘Oi said…’

Ah quickly interrupt ‘im, ‘Muzzeurr,’ ah whisper, ‘that is la beautiful ‘air cut, tell me all about it’.

Ah wink back at L’Uncle,
‘Watch and learn’ ah say, ‘we french ‘orzes ‘ave a way with la mares’.
‘Talk to me oveurr dinner’ ah say to ‘er.
Ah surprise mahself with that one.

‘Why Zephyr,’ she say, ‘that is very nice of you!’.

‘Ah would love to ‘ear all about your day Muzzeurr’ ah say.
Of course ah ‘ave no intention of ‘earing anything Muzzeurr ‘as to say.
At this rate, ah will ‘ave Muzzeurr eating out of mah ‘oof in no time at all.

L’Uncle watch me. ‘e can not believe what ‘e is ‘earing.
Australian stock ‘orzes ‘ave no idea ‘ow to be’ave around La Mares.
Ah will show ‘im.

‘e wink at me again, ‘Go on ya liddle Ripper, tell ‘er she’s Fair dinkum top shelf stuff’.

Ah will not be telling ‘er she is le stuffed, she would ‘ave mah guts for garteurrs.

At last dinneurr is served. Ah am starving.
Of course, ah ‘ad forgotten all about le promise to Muzzeurr.
‘Well, I went to the massage stables’ she start, and then ‘bleuh bleuh thought I was getting a massage bleuh bleuh ‘aircut bleuh’
‘Tell me more Muzzeurr, it is fascinating’ ah mumble into mah ‘ay.

She take me literally, ‘bleuh bleuh this and bleuh bleuh that’
Ah start dreaming about galloping about in le big field of cloveur, ah am falling asleep ah am so bored.

And you’ll never guess who I saw’, she is saying, when ah suddenly wake up.
Ah try, ‘l’airdresseurr?’

L’Uncle ‘as ‘is smoking jacket on, ‘e is staring at me in disbelief.
‘Crikey’ ‘e say, ‘ya stuffed that one roight up the gurgler ya great beeg hairy tossa’.

‘Tosseurr, L’Uncle’ ah sigh. ‘It is Tosseurr’.