Le Clinic

Le morning of le Clinic arrive and ah am standing around looking ‘andsome as always after le trip oveur ‘ere in le limousine.
We are le first to arrive.

Ah am *thinking about ‘ow ah can solve all le world’s problems and ‘elp all le starving ‘orzes in Africa when, allo allo, ‘oo should arrive but l’orze ‘oo ‘as obviously bought ‘is suit in le same shop as mine.
This ‘orze ‘as taste ah think.

‘Excuse moi’ ah say, ‘ah see you ‘ave exquisite taste in le clothing just lark me’.

‘In fact’, ah continue, ‘ah see ‘ere that your suit might be getting a wee bit tight on you. You should lose some weight Monsieur.’

Le new ‘orse look to ‘is Uzzeurr Muzzeur, ‘Who is this Dickhead?’ ah ‘ear ‘im say.
He is clearly le New Zealand ‘orze.
According to L’Uncle, in New Zealand language, le word ‘Dickhead’ mean ‘andsome and educated’.
Ah am flattered and ah think this may be, le new best friend for me.
‘Thank you ah say, mon nom est Zephyrr and ah am French’.

Suddenly, before we ‘ave le chance to chat, le clinic begin.
Ah can not wait to show la clinic director le Classique Dressage moves.
She will be impressed. Ah will teach ‘er a thing or two, eh eh eh.

Ah prepare le ground, it does not do if it is too ‘ard.

then ah gently lower mahself and flip upsard down.
Ah show everyone mah inverted levade. L’Uncle taught me this.
It feel so good ah do not want to get up.
Ah kick le lambs up ‘igh and spin around, ah do la  canter Pirouette Inverte .
‘Get up! no one is impressed by that’ say Uzzeurr Muzzeur, ‘Get up and behave yourself!’

What do you mean no one is impressed?
Le new best friend look very impressed.
Le next thing, ‘e get down to try les dressage moves ‘imself – ‘e is awkward.
Ah understand – ‘e is le New Zealander. This is not something ‘e can ‘elp.

While ah am ‘ere, ah think ah might take le nap – it is warm and soft and ah ‘ave ‘ad enough dressage. ‘Zephyr,’ say Uzzeurr Muzzeurr, ‘remember your promise to Uncle Persil’.

Unfortunately, ah do. Of course ah am up on all four lambs as fast as ah can and once again ah put on le ‘Quite Interested’ look.

Ah am not really interested at all just between you and me.

Ah look at mah new best friend, ‘e ‘as ‘is ‘Quite Interested’ look on too. ‘e is not smiling though.

All of le sudden, just as ah am about to doze off in le sun, le clinic director,
(‘oo, it turn out is Australian! Ah can not wait to tell L’Uncle) turn to me.
Apparently, ah must do as she say or she mart make me go ‘sweem with les croc’. She ‘as that look about ‘er.
‘Do as you’re told young man’ she say, ‘or oi will make you sweem with the crocs’.
At least ah think that is what she say. Ah do not know ‘ow to sweem.

‘Uzzeurr Muzzeur’, ah plead silently, ‘you may come and get me now’.

‘No really, now would be le good time to rescue me’.
Because ah can not get away ah am smiling le winning smile at le Australian ‘oping she will go away.
But this Australian is asking me le question and ah ‘ave no idea what she just say
so ah keep smile le winning smile until she think ah am le most charming young man she eveurr meet.

Suddenly she put ‘er right foot in.
You want to dance l’okey Tokey with me?
Is this ‘ow Australians greet each other when they meet?
Ah am relieved L’Uncle ‘as taught me to do this so well.
‘Put le right foot in’ ah am ‘umming le tune.

‘Put your big head out and shake it all about’ ah sing.

Then ah discoveurr le mark on le coat! Ah must groom it out. This could be le fashion disaster!
L’Australian can wait for me.

Ah wink at Uzzeurr Muzzeurr – ‘Lucky ah already know l’okey Tokey Muzzeurr’ ah say L’Australian can not teach me anything ah do not already know.

Then Uzzeurr Muzzeurr and l’Australian ‘ave a chat and ah spot le paparazzi.
‘Ow did they know ah would be ‘ere ah wondeur.

Of course ah must meet and greet le paparazzi so ah am off.

Ah pose ah little bit and smile and everybody oohs and arrs oveurr me but ah am used to it.
Ah suck mah tummy in a little.

Then all of le sudden, le clinic is oveurr. Le paparazzi swarm all oveurr le place to get le shot of me with le fans.
Ah ‘ave taught everyone everything ah know. Ah think they all learned a thing or two.
L’Uncle will be pleased with me.

*Ah was not really thinking about solving le world’s problems or le starving ‘orzes in Africa.
Ah do not give le toss about such things. Ah would lark le carrot bag though.
Ah think ah deserve le carrot bag and ah am le starving ‘orze.

Inwhich Zephyr is told to Apply Himself…

Ah am about to be le unwilling participant on le ‘Classical Dressage Clinic’.
Ah can not see le point of it, ah know it all already.
L’Uncle pull me aside to give me one of ‘is lectures.
‘Now look here Son’ ‘e start off, ‘Oi know it’s dressage and no good Australian horse should have to put heemself through that but you need to obey the rules and apploi yourself for once’.

‘Of course L’Uncle, ah would normally apply mahself’ ah say ”oweveurr, ah am French therefore these rule you speak of, do not apply to me’.
Eh eh eh, ah ‘ave no intention of ‘applying’ mahself.

‘You need to stop being such a bloody smart arse’ ‘e yell, ‘your Other Mother works bloody bleuh bleuh keep you in the stoil bleuh bleuh bleuh accustomed to’.

Quelle ‘orreur, ‘ow does ‘e know?
‘e is about to give me le big Australian lecture and ah will be killed by boredom .’Don’t come the raw prawn at me’ ‘e add.

Ah try to get ‘im to do le ‘okey tokey with me.
‘Put your right ‘oof in’ ah sing.
‘CUT IT OUT’ ‘e roar and ‘e mean it this tarm.

‘OK L’Uncle, ah promise ah will be on le BEST be’aviour on le clinic’.
‘ow ‘ard can that be ah wondeur….

The Poultarse

Muzzeurr is lame and everybody blame me except Muzzeurr.

‘You are a very naughty young man, but I place the blame firmly on your Uncle’ Muzzeurr say.

‘Bleuh bleuh, on and on she go, L’Uncle nod and ah pretend we listen to ‘er.

Of course, we are not, ‘oweveurr, we watch ‘er in case she release ‘er ‘Muzzeur’s wrath’.

‘Fair dinkum, oi was joking when oi said you should give her a kickupthearse’.

‘Ow was ah supposed to know this joke?
‘It was bloody funny though mate’ ‘e whisper.

Muzzeurr ‘ave too much attention.
She ‘as  massage twice le day and now she wear la poultarse.
Ah would lark to wear la poultarse, why can not ah ‘ave one?

‘It is a Poultice’.

‘That is what ah say Muzzeurr, you ‘ave le poultarse’.

‘POUL-TICE’ she yell, ‘at least pronounce it properly Son’.

Even L’Uncle is grumpy about all le attention Muzzeurr get.
‘She is prancing around here wearing that poultarse like a kookaburra in a ball gown’ ‘e grump.

‘POUL-TICE it is a POUL-TICE’ she say, ‘and I HAVE to have it applied because somebody tried to KICK MY ARSE’.

‘This is getting embarrassing. Muzzeurr  is on le drug for le swollen butt cheek.
She can not ‘andle ‘er drug. Ah should take it for ‘er.
Once again, because of Muzzeurr, ah am mortified.
‘ANNUS ‘ORRIBILIS’ ah sigh loudly.

Muzzeur suddenly start le giggling.

She can not stop. She ‘eave great gaffaw afteur gaffaw.

Now she snort ‘er mirth.
‘ERMERGRED Zephyr,’ she bray, ‘I can NOT believe you just said that’.

Ah ‘ave no idea what she is on about. L’Uncle and ah ‘ave ‘ad enough of ‘er and ‘er stupidity.

Finally she gasp – ‘You should not talk about your Uncle’s bottom like that’ she say, ‘though it is true’.