Super Powers

L’Uncle and ah practise l’okey Pokey every day.
‘Put yer left hoof een, put yer left hoof out, put yer left hoof een and shake eet all about’ we sing togetheur.

‘Do the Hokey Pokey and swing around, cause that’s WHAT EET’S ALL ABOUT’.
Ah am ‘aving so much fun ah desard to…

go le solo.
‘Put your botterm in, put your botterm out, put your botterm in and shake it all about’ ah sing.

‘Hang on a minute Son,’ L’Uncle is chasing me, ‘that’s not how eet goes’.
Ah close l’eyes and keep running. ‘e can not see me when ah do this –
ah ‘ave le Super Power of Invisibility. eh eh eh.

Finally, because ah feel bad about using le Super Power on ‘im, ah turn and face ‘im, with le eyes open.
‘e can see me again’.
‘Sorry L’Uncle’, ah apologise, ‘ah did not mean to use le awesome power of invisibility, I do not know what got in to me’.
‘Son,’ ‘e say, and ah know ah am in for le lecture.

‘Yes L’Uncle’ ah sigh, ‘what is it now?’

‘You know oi can still see you when you close your eyes don’t you’.
Huh? This is news to me.

Ah close le eyes and concentrate, ‘be in awe of mah Super Power’ ah say.
‘You don’t have a Super Power, ya great beeg hairy tossa’ ‘e yell.

‘Well ‘ave you got le Super Power l’Uncle?’ ah am bellowing, ‘because ah do not see one’.

Then ah desard to use l’airdressing Super Power .
‘You do not think ah ‘ave any Super Power ‘uh, L’Uncle, well let us see ‘ow you lark this’.
Ah give ‘im le Moullet.

‘e is suitably ‘orrified.
‘Take THAT’ ah shout.

‘What the bloody hell?’ ‘e rear back from L’airdressing Super Power before ‘im.
‘Yes’, ah say, ‘you now ‘ave Le Moullet, you are le BOGAN ‘orze’.

‘And do not tell me ah do not ‘ave le power of invisibility’ ah say and ah take le deep breathe and close le eye and put le right ‘oof up and wave it at ‘im.
‘There’ ah say triumphantly, ‘ow many ‘ooves am ah ‘olding up? What is that? You do not know?’

‘e is silent. Ah know now ‘e cannot see me so  ah shake it all about at ‘im.
‘That is because ah am invisible L’Uncle, ah ‘ave le power eh eh eh’.
Ah am shaking it. Ah poke le tongue out at ‘im while ah do it and flap le ‘ooves about. Because ‘e can not see me, ah do not care ‘ow silly ah may look. It do not matteur, ah  am invisible.

Ah am pretty certain ah am still invisible.

Now ah am not so certain.

Suddenly, ah am pretty certain ah ‘ear Muzzeurr calling me.
Ah gallop away to ‘er sard.

Fashionably Dignified

Oveur this winteur, ah try le new fashion. Ah grew le beard.
Ah am so fashionable l’oldeur ‘orzes are queuing up to complain about it.

‘What the bloodyhell do yer call that?’ ask L’Uncle.
‘It is le latest fashion’ ah reply, ‘it is called le bearrrd’

‘Well Son, you look loike some pillock freshly escaped from a religious cult’.
Ah keep le dignified silence.
Actually ah am trying to translate ‘is Australian in l’ead before ah answeur ‘im.

On and on ‘e go and ah am still trying to translate what ‘e say 10 minute ago..

‘That is a very dignified silence you are maintaining there Zephyr’ say Uzzeur Muzzeur.
She is smiling at me as usual. It do not take much for ‘er to think ah am le most wonderful and cleveur ‘orze on le ‘ole planet.
eh eh eh.
‘What are you on about?’ say L’Uncle, ‘Zephyr is about as dignified as ugg boots on a starfeesh’

‘L’Uncle’ ah whisper, ‘do not credit me with quite so much dignity; la starfish ‘as many feet’.
Ah can not understand where le wisdom come from in le spur of le moment but out it come.
Of course, ah am le most dignified ‘orze in le ‘ole paddock, but it does not ‘urt to show some ‘umility.

‘Oh Good Grief,’ sigh L’Uncle, ‘here it comes, now yer speaking a load of bollocks that nobody understands, least of all you; oi suppose you have changed yer name to something loike ‘Ezykill Hopeful Carrot Worshipper”

Ah do lark le carrots.
‘Ezykill Notso Hopeful Carrot Snatcher?’ ‘e say as ‘e tug at le beard.

L’Uncle’, ah say in le most dignified tone, ‘you are speaking in l’australian and, as you know, we French ‘orzes do not understand this abomination of le tongue’.

To emphasize le point ah poke le tongue out and blow le rasberry.
‘BrrrRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr’ ah go with ah ‘ope is l’uge amount of le dignity.
L’Uncle appear to be most impressed.

‘There’ ah say to Uzzeur Muzzeurr, ‘you will not see anything more dignified than that’.

A Most Helpful Little Boy (again)

Every day ah take le larf in le ‘ooves being le ‘elpful little boy.
This is me being le ‘elpful.

‘L’Uncle’ ah say, ‘ah see your bowl needs ler clean and ah am ‘ere to do it’.
Ah give ‘im  le winning smile.

‘Pissorrf yer hairy leedle Tosser’ ‘e say.
Of course ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e mean. Ah do not understand Australian.
So ah wait besard ‘im politely.
Ah do ‘ave to bart le tongue oveur ‘is pronunciation of le Tosseurr.
‘oweveur, now is not le tarm for la grammeur.

But ah am anxious to ‘ave a look insard ‘is bowl so ah desard le stealth approach is le way to go.
Ah tippy toe around ‘im.

‘e do not see me coming. Ah am le Stealth Bummeurr.

Slowly ah move in. Ah am so stealthy ‘e ‘as no idea ah am there.

Carefully mah lips gravitate toward le bowl ready to grab it and run.

‘e look up as if ‘e sense something, but ‘e do not, ah am too cleveur for any Australian.
Ah close mah eye so ‘e can not see me anymore.

‘e does not look ‘appy so ah slowly back off.
Ah keep le eye closed so ‘e still ‘ave no idea ah am there.

Suddenly, at le speed of lart ah swoop in and grab ‘old of le bowl.

It all ‘appen so fast L’Uncle is not sure what ‘appen.
‘e still try to work it out as ah pull le bowl toward me.

Ah ‘ave it now and ah will polish it up for ‘im.
‘e is still trying to work out what ‘appen to ‘is bowl. It ‘as disappeared from undeur ‘is nose!

Unfortunately, some’ow ‘e work it out and suddenly, through no fault of mine,  ah am to blame.
‘ere,’ ah cry, ‘ah find your bowl, ah was only trying to give it back to you –
but if you would ratheur, ah will polish it for you’.

‘e do not want it now, so ah polish it for ‘im.

‘e can only stand by and admire le ‘andywork.
‘Ya big hairy gourmo’ ‘e say.
Translated into le french this mean
‘You are an amazingly ‘andsome and cleveur young gourmet with a palette for fine food ‘.

‘That big Gallah needs a great big kickupthebum’ say L’Uncle to Uzzeurr Muzzeurr.
Translated into french this mean…
suddenly ah notice Muzzeurr in le background.

‘L’Uncle’ ah whisper, ‘we ‘ave le situation, do not turn around now but ah think Muzzeurr ‘as been back into le cloveur’.