Speech Impediment? or just a NZ accent

Ah ‘ave been on Day release for two day now.
Muzzeurr is being  over protective but ‘oo am ah to object.
Ah do not mind being ler fussed oveurr.
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Every tarm a turn around ah ‘ave le new ‘airstyle..
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‘My boy’ she sob, ‘you were like a fush out of water in that prison’.
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That stop L’Uncle in le middle of le mud bath.
‘What deed you just say Merls?’
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‘I sud my luttle boy was like a fush out of water’.
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‘Feeesh,’ said L’Uncle, ‘I think you’ll find it’s a FEEESH’
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‘That’s what I sud Persil, a FUSH’.
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‘Crikey Merls, woi don’t you learn to speak the Quoins eengleesh, no wonder the boy has a spoich impediment’
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‘My boy is a known associate of the Lambidos’, bragged Muzzeurr, ‘and if you don’t like the way I speak, I’m quite sure he could arrange for you to take a little SWIM with those FUSHES’
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Ah can not believe what ah just ‘eard. Ah am MORTIFIED.
There is no such gang as le Lambidos – ah made that up.
Muzzeurr must ‘ave been into le cloveur again while ah ‘ave been insard.
Quelle ‘orreurr, ah will now be scarred for larf.
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Travel Plans

At last, ah am out of captivity and off probation. Freedom ‘as neveur felt so good.
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Ah am flat out today catching up on all sort of sterf.
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L’ouse God came by to pay ‘is respect but ah was too busy to see ‘im.
‘Crikey’ ah ‘ear L’Uncle say, ‘oi don’t know where he put eet, probabloi upisarse’.
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‘ah did not leave anything in Upisarse,’ ah assure L’ouse God, ‘Ah ‘ave never even been to Upisarse’.
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‘Oi said you probably stuffed them…oh never mind’.
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Ah do not mind. One day ah think to mahself, ah may make le trip to Upisarse.
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‘Son’, say L’Uncle, ‘oi’ll show you where yurarse is eef you don’t gedup and show some respect’..
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‘Yurarse’ ah say, ‘do ah need le passport to go there?’
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L’Uncle step back while ah get mahself ready for ler trip to Yurarse.
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Ah check le lambs. 1, 2, 3, 4.
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But le sun is warm, ah ‘ave four lambs still attached to me, Yurarse can wait.
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Criminal Lines

At last ah am out on le Probation.
Le bond ees set;  eef ah do not turn up at le appointed tarm L’Uncle will ‘ave to forfeit le carrot for each minute ah am gone…
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‘Listeen up yer hairy leedle Tosser'; ah must ‘ave spoken aloud again for L’Uncle interrupt le chain of thought, ‘your bond is nothing of the sort and you know eet’.
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‘I think you will find, L’Uncle, that if you botheur to read le small print that is exactly what it say’.
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‘So, L’Uncle, you are either with me or you are against me, what will it be?’
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‘Oi have no idea what you are on about’ ‘e say, ‘you are raving on loike a drunken kangaroo at a cocktail party for lost crocodiles’.
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Actually, ah ‘ave no idea what ah am on about either, ah am just quoting lines out of le movie that Uzzeur Muzzeur ‘as told me about…
‘Ah ‘ave le very particular set of skills,’ ah say, ‘skills that make me la mare for ‘orzes lark you’.
Ah admit it, that did not come out quite as planned but L’Uncle do not seem to notice.
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Muzzeur is listening to what is going on.
Ah can tell she is embarrassed about mah be’aviour but ah do not care. Ah am enjoying mahself immensely.
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‘If you tell anyone where ah am, ah will find you and ah will bart you,’ ah continue.
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L’Uncle and ah continue to fart in le forest.
Muzzeur continue to pretend she is on la beach ‘aving le nice ride.
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‘LA LA LA LA LAAAAA’ she go.
‘Bleuh bleuh crockasheet bleuh’ go L’Uncle in Australian which no one understand.
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And everyone admit, ah am le most cleveur and ‘andsome ‘orze in le ”ole paddock.
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Well maybe not everyone.
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