LMAO – or not.

Muzzeur is ‘aving le visit from la Massuese today.
Luckily ah am on ‘and with le benefit of mah minutes of training.
‘Do not worry Muzzeur’ ah assure ‘er, ‘ah will show this person what to do’.
Muzzeur does not seem as ‘appy as se should be to ‘ave ,e at ‘er side.

Zis Masseuse get to work on Muzzeur.
‘Excusey moi,’ ah say, ‘you will want to learn all about anatomy’.

She ignore me but ah do not mind.
‘Zis ‘ere, eet ees Muzzeurs’ Back’ ah say knowledgeably.

As she continue to ignore me, clearly, she ‘as le deafness problem so
ah say eet louder – ‘BAAAAACK’ ah shout
‘and now you are working on Muzzeurs Arse’

‘ARRRRSE,’ ah emphasize it.
This ah learn in mah anatomy class.
Eet is true ah did not listen very carefully, anatomy is le very boring subject,
‘oweveur, ah do know l’arse when ah see one.

Clearly this imbecile ‘as no understanding of what arses are for so ah show ‘er.
‘Look, Imbecile’, ah say, ‘you can rest your ‘ead and sleep on Muzzeur’s big arse’.
Ah nuzzle around to find le softest spot.

‘Ahhhhhhh’ ah sigh, and am almost asleep when….

Quelle ‘orreur,  ah notice she carry on without mah guidance.
‘Listen very carefully’, ah say, ‘ah shall say this only once’.

But Uzzeur Muzzeur is distracting me and ah ‘ave forgotten what it is ah was about to say.
La Masseuse wait expectantly for me to shower ‘er with mah wisdom.
Ah am thinking so ‘ard it ‘urt.

For once ah am at a loss for words, so ah bestow on ‘er le kiss of knowledge.

‘Did you see that Le Uncle, you may ‘ave shot le Sherrif but ah kiss la Masseuse’.

‘Ah kiss la Masseuse,’ ah repeat, guffawing loudly so everyone will realise ‘ow funny ah am.

Then, in a stroke of genius, ah add, ‘But ah did not kiss le Veterinary’.

We all laugh so ‘ard at that one, le Masseuse almost fall over.

Ah am on le roll. Ah am le most ‘ysterical ‘orze in le ‘ole paddock.IMG_0543

Then ah notice Uzzeur Muzzeur, she is glaring at me.
It is then that ah remember, ah am ‘ere to give advice, not to tell le jokes.
It is ‘ard to keep a straight face.IMG_0545

Ah put on mah serious face.

But this is no laughing matter, ah ‘ave to pull mahself togetheur and save Muzzeur’s arse.
Ah guide le ‘and of la Masseuse and together, we save Muzzeur.
There will be no laughing ‘er arse off while ah am ‘ere, making sure it is firmly attached to ‘er back.




Le Serious Job

Being le Professeur Emeritus of le Veterinary de la Séance Degree with Distinction is le serious job.

We ‘ear of le bird ‘oo ‘as fallen out of la tree.
As ah am le one ‘oo know what to do, ah race to resuscitate ‘im.
Le Uncle come with me because ‘e is Australian.
Australians know everything.IMG_0149

Eet ees ‘ard work but le most tricky thing of all, is to find ‘im.

We all gallop around looking for le bird ‘oo ‘as fallen out of le tree.IMG_0127

Muzzeur try to get there on two legs.
‘Wrong two legs Muzzeur’ ah say ‘elpfully.
Clearly ‘er big botterm weigh ‘er down.

Soon we forget about le bird and Le Uncle decide to teach me more of ‘is farting moves.
This ‘ere, it is called Le Livard, because it make le opponent le Livard.

Le Uncle teach me if another ‘orze approach me lark this,
it is because, ‘e want to kiss me and ah must fart mah way out of it.
‘Go orn, Gizakiss,’ ‘e say. Ah am scared.

Ah am very good at le farting – and galloping too. Especially when there is a kiss coming mah way.

Le Uncle show me ‘ow to fend off all manneur of le kisses.

Then ‘e got me. ‘e planted le big Australian kiss on mah neck.
Naturally, ah was ‘orrified.
Ah try to fart ‘im off.

Ah even ‘ide be’ind Muzzeur. No one can see me ‘ere if ah stay still and close mah eyes.

But it is no good. Le Uncle find me.
‘There there moi son’ ‘e say, ‘you look loike a one armed kookaburra’.
Ah ‘ave to think about this. Could ‘e be talking about le bird ‘oo fall out of le nest?

While ah am thinking about this, Le Uncle and ah practice walking backwards.
We walk 5 laps of le paddock backwards.

Then Muzzeur join in and we all do another lap backwards. No one is allowed to look be’ind, not even once.
Ah try to get Muzzeur to break le rule.
‘Muzzeur,’ ah say, ‘there ees a big bird on your botterm right ‘ere, look at it’.
As usual, all she does ees be grumpy at me.IMG_0189

Later that day ah try to make it up to Muzzeur.
‘Come on Muzzeur,’ ah say, ”ow many Professeur Emeritus’s ‘ave big fat grumpy Muzzeurs?’IMG_0482

But clearly Muzzeur is Grass Affected.
Ah mean look at ‘er. IMG_0483

Speaking Engagements

Since being awarded le Veterinary de la Séance Degree with Distinction,
and being made Professeur Emeritus, ah ‘ave a lot of speaking engagements.

Lark this morning for example.
Muzzeur was introducing me to le large crowd ‘oo ‘ave gathered to ‘ear what ah ‘ave to say…

First she clear ‘er throat and then – ‘My son need no introduction’ she say…
At least I assume that ees what she say, ah am not actually listening.

She bow to le audience but ah am too  busy playing with le Uncle to give mah speech.

Le Uncle and ah were ‘aving a quick game of ‘ad eet up to ‘ere to settle mah nerves.
Ah do not think anyone notice. We are ‘idden be’ind Muzzeur’s big botterm.

Mah friend Gollamb ‘as come to listen and ‘ee ees all ears.

Muzzeur can ‘andle le introductions while ah score le points.
All eyes are on Muzzeur.

Gollamb ‘as brought ‘is sister Muslamb along with ‘im. She ees weird.
‘Get on with it’ she yell. She ees le rude sheeps.

Muzzeur ees nearing le end of ‘er speech.
Considering eet was all about me ah am surprised eet was so short.

‘Excuse moi Le Uncle’ ah say, ‘ah am due on stage’.

Suddenly Muzzeur ees distracted. Le Uncle seize le opportunity to score le point in le game.

Suddenly ah ‘ave forgotten all about giving le speech.

Beside, Muzzeur seem to be enjoying ‘er moment in le spotlight.

And quite frankly ah can not let Le Uncle win one more game of ‘ad eet up to ‘ere.