Zephyr does Dressage

I ‘ave le feeling Uzzeur Muzzeur is starting ‘er preparations for our entrance onto le Prix St-Georges Dressage circuit.
Ah decide ah will surprise ‘er and get some practice in with le ‘elp of L’Uncle.IMG_3407

L’Uncle ‘as watched a few dressage tests, ‘e tell me what to do.
‘at Oi, Enter in collected canter’ e say.
Ah can do this…
When ‘e yell OI again ah gallop in.
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‘At Boi Halt – immobility,’ ‘e say.
Ah throw mahself on le ground and ah give ‘im immobility at Boi.
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‘Proceed at collected trot’ ‘e yell
‘Lark this?’ ah say, waving mah legs around in la collection.
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‘e do not seem to ‘ear me so ah go on.
‘Collected trot ecstasy’ ‘e say.
Eet feel good to me so ah continue in full collection.
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‘Shoulder in left’ ‘e shout.
Ah ‘eave mahself up and give Muzzeur le shoulder in.
Of course, ah keep mah nose out. Ah am not stupeed.
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‘Volte left’.
‘e did not need to tell me to this. Muzzeur is coming at me and she is not ‘appy.
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‘Half pass left’ yell L’Uncle
Ah take le ‘alf pass very seriously.
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‘Extended trot HXF’
Ah  give ‘im mah extended trot.
Muzzeur keep getting in le way.
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‘Half pirouette to the left’ ‘e yell.
‘Ah ‘ave been waiting to demonstrate this one.
Ah give mahself 12 out of 10.
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‘Extended trot to the roight’
Ah take a good look at le excavateur while ah am at eet.
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‘Flying change of legs at M’.
Uzzeur Muzzeur will be most impressed
the day she finally ride me in le test and find ah actually know it all already.
Ah do le most expressive flying change.
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‘Now,’ yell L’Uncle, give me foive flying changes of every leg’.
Ah start the first one, but it is such ‘ard work…
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Ah throw mahself on le ground to complete le flying changes in le ‘upside down position.
‘One, two, three’ ah am panting, this is hard work you know and ah am not too fit.
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‘four, five’ ah gasp.
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‘Down the center line at Oi in collected trot’
Ah can do this.
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‘Now halt, immobility and salute’ ‘e say.
Ah look for le good place to ‘alt and salute.
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Ah finally find le right spot right be’ind L’Uncle.
Ah give le flying salute accompanied by a resounding fart before galloping away.
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Clearly ah am going to be le brilliant dressage ‘orze.
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Traveling & Morris Dancing

Eet is 2015, and Muzzeur ‘as taken up le World travel in le new transport machine and ah ‘ave taken up le Morris Dancing.
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L’Uncle and ah took up le Morris dancing while she was away and ah ‘ert mah knee, right ‘ere.
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‘ere.
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Or was eet ‘ere?
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Morris Dancing ees very dangerous and not for le faint ‘earted.
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Ah am ‘ooked on Morris Dancing.
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‘Ah ‘ave to go out now’, say Muzzeur, oping we will panic and beg ‘er to stay.
Of course, L’Uncle and mahself pretend that we do not want ‘er to go.
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‘Oh no, ‘ow will we eveur cope?’ ah yell at L’Uncle so Muzzeur can ‘ear me.
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Muzzeur lark to think we need ‘er.
Of course, we do not, we ‘ave le Morris Dancing Championships to practise for and we do not need ‘er around grumping all oveur le place at us.
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Ah trot alongside le transport machine as it go down le drive.
‘Muzzeeeeuuuuurrrrrrr’ ah yell, ‘Come back ah can not live without you’.
Of course ah would be le grumpy one if she did come straight back.
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Once they ‘ave gone out of sight ah gallop back to L’Uncle.
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‘She ‘as gone!’ ah yell.IMG_3094

L’Uncle, ‘e is bouncing up and down with excitement.
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Now we can practice our dance moves.
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No disapproving gaze of Muzzeur to contend with…
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L’Uncle teach me all ‘is dance moves. ‘e is an expert danceur from way back.
‘e is also about la million years old.
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We do not ‘ave to worry about being in le big trouble when Muzzeur is not there.
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We are Lords of Le Morris Dance.
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Of course when Muzzeur finally did get back, ah ‘ad le bit of explaining to do about le cuts  on mah face and le bruised knee.
‘ah ‘ad to jump out of le paddock and rescue l’orse up le road from l’incident with le ‘elicopter’ ah explain.
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Ah think she believe me. Eh eh eh.
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Illuminati

L’Uncle spend Christmas day waffling on about when ‘e last visit Australia.
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On and on ‘e go boring le sock off all of us.
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‘So,’ say Muzzeur to L’Uncle, ‘Could you explain that one more time?’
I can not believe she ask ‘im that, now we will neveur ‘ear le end of it.
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‘Muzzeur,’ ah reply, ‘you do not want to ‘ear anything about L’Uncle’s trip to Australia, do not encourage ‘im,  if you do, we will all ‘ave to sit through all ‘is boring stories’.
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Unfortunately, ah did not realise L’Uncle ‘eard me.
‘So you theenk oi am boring?’ ‘e roar.
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‘Oil give you boring moi son,’ ‘e yell.
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Ah am bored already. It does not take much to bore me because ah am french.
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‘Ya beeg beige Tossa,’ ‘e continue.

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‘Are you referring to me?’ ah ask.
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‘Because if you are…’
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‘Oi don’t see any other beeg hairy Tossas about moi son, do you?’.
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‘The word is TOSSEUR’ ah point out to ‘im once again.
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‘Do you even know what a Tossa ees?’ ‘e sneer.
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Ah ‘ave to admit ah do not, ‘oweveur, given that it seem to apply to me ah am guessing it must be referring to le Illuminati so ah tell ‘im ah know exactly what it mean.
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‘Oi don’t theenk ya do moi son, oi don’t theenk you’ve got a clue’ ‘e whisper in mah ear. Mah ear is ringing from so much Australian at point blanc range.
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‘Illuminati’ ah whisper back to ‘im.
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‘e stop and think about that for le bit.
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Then we notice Muzzeur is once again posing for le camera.
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So naturally, ah decide to pull stupeed le face in le background.
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L’Uncle can not resist ruining Muzzeur’s photo shoots, ‘e egg me on’.
She must be posing for le Vague magazine.
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Ah need no encouragement to make beeg fart noises with mah tongue.
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L’Uncle join in and we see ‘oo can make le loudest fart noises.
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Finally Muzzeur start to get cross. Soon we will be in le big trouble.
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Luckily, L’Uncle ‘as a cunning plan.
We both turn and look le other way so when Muzzeur turn around she will think le noise come from Le Motorbikes far away.
It is an exceptionally cunning plan even if ah did not think of it mahself.
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