L’Uncle gives a Lecture

L’Uncle is giving a lecture and Muzzeur force me to attend.
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‘You must go and support him Son, you could learn a lot from your Uncle Persil’
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This is rich coming from Muzzeurr, she can’t stand him. sh is always calling ‘im le little Auzie Blighter.
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‘I heard that Son, and it is simply not true, he can’t help being Australian’.
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I go over to see if L’Uncle needs a hand to set up for ‘is lecture.
Ah am le very ‘elpful little boy.
All le sheep will be attending.
‘e is busy clearing ‘is throat. ‘e look nervous.
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Le Sheep are on their way. They are very excited.IMG_4509

Finally L’Uncle is ready to begin. Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e will be lecturing about.
I don’t think ‘e ‘as any idea either.
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‘e begin.
‘G’day moites, oi’d loike to welcome everybody,’ ‘e say, ‘thank all you liddle rippers for coming, please turn your cell phones off’
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I can not believe ‘e say that. ‘e is trying to be le funny ‘orze.
Just between you and me, Sheep don’t ‘ave cell phones.
Ah am le embarrassed ‘orze already. This will be le long lecture.
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Le Good Sheep Lollypop is dying to ask about le cell phone but L’Uncle is not stopping.
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‘e carry on ignoring le fact le sheep are shuffling around trying to find le cell phones they don’t ‘ave.
‘Now eef you’d all just pull ya heads in, oi’d like to talk to you about moi time on the endurance circuit..’
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My friend Gollamb, ‘oo is le same age as me, is
trying to understand le Australian. Ah try to translate for ‘im.
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‘e is saying that ‘is nephew, that is me, is a brilliant and ‘andsome orze ‘oo will one day win every race on le planet’ ah explain. Actually ah am so bored ah am nearly asleep.
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‘As you all know, oi was once a champion endurance horse’.
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‘What is he going on about?’ ask Islamb. None of le sheep ‘ave any idea what ‘e is talking about.
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That is clearly le point of  lecture, make everyone think you are so brilliant that noone else understand a word you say.
Ah ‘ave to admit, L’Uncle is very good at it.
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‘Only the tough survive and there’s no room for chucking a wobbly out there’.
Ah am yawning loudly.
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Muzzeurr is glaring at me. Ah can’t ‘elp it.IMG_6591

Ah stop yawning and put on mah ‘Quite Interested’ look.
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Even Le Good Sheep Lollypop is almost asleep.
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L’Uncle continues droning on and on in Australian.
‘Let me tell you pack of Wowsers, there are crocs and mozzies all over the place, it is not for the faint hearted’.
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Ah wonder what time dinner is.
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‘Bleuh bleuh billabong bleuh roll up a swag and have a big chinwag,’ ‘e go.
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Le Good Sheep Lollypop look lark she about to die of boredom.
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‘Kookaburra spinning furphys in the vegemoite’ ‘e say, or something like that.
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‘ow long will this lecture will go on, ah am too ‘andsome to ‘ave to listen to this.
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Some’ow Muzzeurr notice me wondering,
‘Zephyr’, she say, ‘pleease try, just for once, to behave yourself’.
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Ah am trying but L’Uncle will not finish ‘is lecture.
‘Marching round in flip flops bleuh bleuh, spat the dummie over that one bleuh bleuh’.
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Mah friend Gollamb look at me and roll ‘is eye.
Ah mouth le word ‘BORING’ to ‘im.
‘BOING?’ ‘e ask.
‘No BORRRING’ ah try again.
‘Borkling?’
Ah give up.
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Finally le most boring day of mah life is oveur.
Ah need le drink.
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Spray Tans and le Stealth Gallop

L’Uncle decide to practise ‘is dressage so luckily, ah am on ‘and to ‘elp.

‘Collect le trot at C’ ah say, racing a’ead to show ‘im where C is.
‘e get off to le poor start when ‘e go backward instead of forward.
Ah was not expecting this.
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‘Collect le trot at C’ ah say, racing a’ead to show ‘im where C is.
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‘ERE’ ah yell, ‘C is ‘ere’.
But L’Uncle, ‘e ‘ave no idea about le dressage.
‘e is Australian. Australians ‘ave no idea where ‘anything is.
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Then ‘e surprise me with le extended gallop, ah ‘ave to get out of le way ‘as ‘e is veering off course, ‘e ‘as no idea what ‘e is doing.IMG_6148

‘Get out of moiway ya big hairy Tosser’ ‘e yell.
‘Tosseurr’ ah yell back, ‘Le word is Tosseurr’.
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Suddenly ‘e stop and face me, ‘e is yelling in Australian.
‘Son’, you are loike a bloody cane toad eena bowl of custard’.
It take me a minute to translate, ‘Thank you L’Uncle’ ah say finally, ‘ah am a brilliant and ‘andsome ‘orze, you are quite ‘andsome too, for L’old man’.
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Muzzeurr is watching us.
‘Zephyr’ she said, ‘that is not what your Uncle said and you know it’.
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Suddenly ah feel quite cross with L’Uncle.
Ah collect le gob full of water and rush over to spray ‘im with it.
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Ah ‘ave to get just le right angle. ‘e is not making it easy for me.
Le water is dribbling down mah lips, ah can not ‘old it in.
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Finally ah realise it ‘as all leaked out. L’Uncle must ‘ave realised too.
‘What are trying to do Son?’ ‘e ask, ‘Give me a spray tan?’
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Ah still ‘ave some in mah cheek pouches, ah work it up ready to get ‘im.
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‘Pffffffffft!’ ah go, all oveur ‘im.
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And then, before ‘e can get me, ah rear back and…
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stealthily gallop away before L”Uncle know what ‘as ‘it ‘im.
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Interviewing techniques

Muzzeur ‘as been getting all sorts of attention from all sorts of media lately.
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‘Ah will ‘andle this, Muzzeur’ ah whisper. Ah know ‘ow to get rid of l’imposteur.
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‘Muzzeur does not want to give any interviews today'; ah shout loudly so L’imbecile will understand.
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Then ah remove le recording devices.
‘Excuse moi Madame’ ah say, ‘but ah will take this’.
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To mah astonishment, l’imbecile point le finger at me and tell me ah am a naughty boy!
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‘Ah think you meant that ah am le most ‘andsome young man you ‘ave eveur met,’ ah reply.
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Clearly she agree and soon we are exchanging le kisses.
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She is not such an imbecile after all.
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Ah offeur to give ‘er some of mah learned advice.
She ees pointing le microphone at Muzzeur’s shoulder, ‘er interviewing technique ‘as a lot to be desired.
‘That is Muzzeur’s shouldeur’ ah say ‘elpfully, ‘you need to point that at Muzzeur’s mouthpiece’.
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Then it is mah turn to be interveiwed.
She ‘as no idea  ‘ow to do this.
She does not even ask me any questions. No matteur, ah ‘ave all  l’answers.
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She is waving le microphone all oveur le place, it is no matteur, ah realise she is l’imbicile after all and it is up to me to keep talking and follow it.
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‘As ah was saying,’ ah say, ‘ah receive mah Proffeseurship in le veterinary science last year. Le youngest (and most ‘andsome) ‘orze eveur to do such a thing’.
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Of course L’imbecile does not understand le word ah say.
Clearly, she is not educated.
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Then she start warbling at me. Ah ‘ave no idea what she is going on about.
Ah put on mah ‘quite interested’ look. Ah am not at all interested.
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All ah can do is wait for ‘er to finish what she ‘as to say.
Ah am le polite young man.
On and on she go.
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Finally she finish and ah can tell ‘er more about me.
‘ah gain le Masteurs in  veterinarian science, le science of teefs and physiotherapy’ .
For some reason, she find this very amusing. Ah do not feel very amused.
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‘Ah am not amused’ ah tell ‘er.
This make ‘er laugh even more.
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Ah give up. Ah decide to ‘ave le snooze on Muzzeur’ big botterm.
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Suddenly ah open mah eyes and there is Uzzeur Muzzeur. She is smiling at me.
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So ah smile right back at ‘er.
‘Ah love you Uzzeur Muzzeur’ ah sigh.
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