A TV Interview with His Lordship

Ah am to be interviewed for le day time TV…
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Of course this mean ah must look le part.
Ah spend quite some time admiring le reflection in le car top.
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‘Ow do ah look now Muzzeurr?’ ah ask, although this is just for formality as ah know ah am incredibly ‘andsome.
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‘Son,’ she sigh, ‘you look magnificent’.
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‘That is le correct answeur Muzzeurr’.
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Before she can answer, la TV ‘ost is brought into le paddock by Uzzeur Muzzeur.
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She introduce ‘erself to Muzzeurr and get ‘er permission to interview me.
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Next, to mah chagrin, L’Uncle barge up to ‘er and tell ‘er a load of Australian rubbish.
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‘That boy is bleuh bleuh  crocodile with a new hairdo’ ‘e whisper.
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L’ost is also from Australia, so L’Uncle chat away in that ridiculous language, and she actually understand ‘im! Now ‘e will neveur shut up.
Something must be done and ah am l’orze to do it.
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‘Excuse moi,’ ah say, ‘ah believe you are ‘ere to interview moi’.
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She is filming le selfy with me as ah talk about mah life and world peace.
ah do not mind.
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Ah do not really talk about world peace;
ah am interested in whether she ‘ave any carrot for me though.
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Ah stare meaningfully into le camera lens.
‘Ah do not get out of le bed,’ ah explain, ‘for less than le bag of les carrot’.
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Then, as suddenly as it begin, l’interview is oveur and ah am left distraught and carrotless and wondering what ‘appen. Surely that can not be all.
Ah am told, Reality TV go on for eveur.
Muzzeur, she could ‘ave ‘er own show also, ah am thinking –
‘Real ‘orzewives of le Paddock’.
‘Come back’ ah plead, but it is no use. She ‘as gone.
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Muzzeur has a hair cut

Muzzeurr, go off for le massage and came back with le ‘air cut to end all ‘air cut.
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L’Uncle could not believe ‘is eye.
‘Crikey!’ ‘e exclaim.
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Muzzeurr is embarrassed, ah am embarrassed for ‘er.
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‘Best not say anything L’Uncle’ ah warn ‘im.
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But it is too late..
‘Did yer get too close to the hedge trimmer’ ‘e blurt out.
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‘I beg your pardon Persil?’
luckily she did not ‘ear what ‘e actually say.
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L’Uncle wink at me before ‘e continue,
‘Oi said…’
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Ah quickly interrupt ‘im, ‘Muzzeurr,’ ah whisper, ‘that is la beautiful ‘air cut, tell me all about it’.
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Ah wink back at L’Uncle,
‘Watch and learn’ ah say, ‘we french ‘orzes ‘ave a way with la mares’.
‘Talk to me oveurr dinner’ ah say to ‘er.
Ah surprise mahself with that one.
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‘Why Zephyr,’ she say, ‘that is very nice of you!’.
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‘Ah would love to ‘ear all about your day Muzzeurr’ ah say.
Of course ah ‘ave no intention of ‘earing anything Muzzeurr ‘as to say.
At this rate, ah will ‘ave Muzzeurr eating out of mah ‘oof in no time at all.
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L’Uncle watch me. ‘e can not believe what ‘e is ‘earing.
Australian stock ‘orzes ‘ave no idea ‘ow to be’ave around La Mares.
Ah will show ‘im.
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‘e wink at me again, ‘Go on ya liddle Ripper, tell ‘er she’s Fair dinkum top shelf stuff’.
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Ah will not be telling ‘er she is le stuffed, she would ‘ave mah guts for garteurrs.
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At last dinneurr is served. Ah am starving.
Of course, ah ‘ad forgotten all about le promise to Muzzeurr.
‘Well, I went to the massage stables’ she start, and then ‘bleuh bleuh thought I was getting a massage bleuh bleuh ‘aircut bleuh’
‘Tell me more Muzzeurr, it is fascinating’ ah mumble into mah ‘ay.
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She take me literally, ‘bleuh bleuh this and bleuh bleuh that’
Ah start dreaming about galloping about in le big field of cloveur, ah am falling asleep ah am so bored.
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And you’ll never guess who I saw’, she is saying, when ah suddenly wake up.
Ah try, ‘l’airdresseurr?’
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L’Uncle ‘as ‘is smoking jacket on, ‘e is staring at me in disbelief.
‘Crikey’ ‘e say, ‘ya stuffed that one roight up the gurgler ya great beeg hairy tossa’.
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‘Tosseurr, L’Uncle’ ah sigh. ‘It is Tosseurr’.
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La Ghost appears!

Ah ‘ave not written much lately, larf ‘as been very boring – until today that is…
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‘ere ah was standing around looking ‘andsome and intelligent as usual when
le float pull up and out step la ghost!!!
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Ah know it is la ghost because L’Uncle say anyone ‘oo dress in le white sheet is la ghost.
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‘Don’t panic’ say la ghost, ‘it is just me, your mother’.
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Of course ah am not fooled by this, ah gallop off to tell L’Uncle …
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But Quelle ‘orreurr, la ghost run afteur me!
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So naturally, ah gallop fasteur…
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L’Uncle catch sight of le ghost and ‘e panic.
L’Uncle love le excuse to panic.
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And pretty soon we are all running around chasing le ghost…
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Ah ‘ad no idea ghost chasing could be so much fun.
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What is more this le quite fast ghost!
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We are all galloping around ‘aving so much fun when ah suddenly notice…
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Le weird little shrunken ponies next door are up for le race.
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L’Uncle go oveur to discuss le rules.
Of course they are all in Australian so nobody understand a word ‘e say.
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No Matteurr, we are off to le flying start anyway.
Of course, L’Uncle and ah give Le Ghost and le shetland pony a ‘ead start.
They will need it.
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We are flying down le fence line, leaving le shrunken ponies in le dust.
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Suddenly L’Uncle try to crash into me! This must be well known L’Australian tactic of side bowling.
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Luckily, L’Uncle is no match for me, ah accelerate and speed off
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Once again ah am going fasteur than le speeding pullet.
IMG_7203 Ah fly around le curve, no one can catch me.
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Ah ‘ave no idea where everyone is, ah am going so fast
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Ah catch sight of L’Uncle, ‘e is ‘aving le senior moment and is galloping in le wrong direction.
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So is la ghost!
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Ah slow to le canteur and wait for L’Uncle to come round again.
Ah will demand le explanation!
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‘What le ‘ell’ L’Uncle??’ ah demand when ‘e finally stop.
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Ah am very annoyed with ‘im and ‘e know it.
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‘Sorry moite’ ‘e say, ‘it’s just that sometoimes oi can’t tell which end  ees yourarse and which ees yourfoice’.
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Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e actually means but ah can tell there is le Australian insult in there somewhere.
Ah put on mah ‘dignified look’.
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Suddenly ah realise it is not really la ghost, it is Muzzeurr wearing le wedding outfit for some reason.
Because ah am le dutiful son, ah go oveur to support ‘er.
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As ‘er only son ah am clearly to be le page boy so ah practice mah duty and ‘old ‘er train.
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