Inwhich Zephyr has a serious Talk with the Hoover

Today ah desard to ‘ave le serious whispeur in l’ear to l’imbicile about ‘ow le Papparazzi lark to fartograph me, not ‘im.

‘Monsieur ‘ooveur’ ah whispeur full of le politeness, ‘ah wish to ‘ave le talk with you’.

‘Ah am le most famous and ‘andsome ‘orse in le world’.

‘e seem to be listening so ah continue…

‘It is not easy being le most famous and ‘andsome ‘orse in le ‘ole ward world’ ah explain.

‘and you ‘ave to understand that ah take le responsibility very seriously’.
‘e is taking this betteur than ah thought ‘e would.

‘e seem to be taking l’ecture so well in farct, that ah keep going.
‘You need to realarse that ah ‘ave le Papparazzi follow me everywhere and all this fartoberming ‘as to stop’.

Suddenly ah notice ‘e try to speak. It sound lark ‘e choke on something.

‘Are you OK Monsieur?’ ah inquire, although ah am pretty sure it is just ‘is Italian speech impediment.

Ah do not understand Italian even though it is just English backwards.
‘baitomahbermo’ he gasp.
Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e is saying but ah ‘ave concern ‘e may ‘ave le case of le colic.
Muzzeur would kill me if ah give ‘im le colic.

‘aving explained le position ah tippy toe away from ‘im before Muzzeur realarse ah may ‘ave just killed ‘er boyfriend inwhich case this could be awkward.
‘e stand on le spot silently watch me go.

 

Comatose

Ah am sitting in le sun wondering what to do next.
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Le Paparazzi is about and ah look as ‘andsome as eveur.
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This time, ‘oweveur, ah see they ‘ave sent le intervieweur.
eh eh eh, ah am le world’s most interesting ‘orse.
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‘So how are you Zephyr?’ ‘e say.
What karnd of le question is that to ask le world’s most ‘andsome, brave and interesting  ‘orse.
Ah refuse to answer it.
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‘e sit there, no doubt trying to think up another inane question to ask moi.
It take ‘im ‘alf an hour before ‘e finally say
‘What are you doing Zephyr?’
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Good grief.
What does it look lark ah am doing, calculating le wave length of electromagnetic radiation?.
‘Ah am in le coma’ ah sigh.
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and ah lie down with le groan to emphasise le point.
‘Are you a tired boy?’ ‘e say!
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Clearly this imbecile ‘ave no idea what le comatose ‘orse look lark so ah show ‘im.
‘ooh errrr’ ah gasp, ‘ah am unconscious, your questions ‘ave put moi in le coma’.
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ah thought ‘e would now go away and leave me to die in peace but instead, ‘e stay there staring at me. Ah ‘ave to now stay exactly as ah am because ah ‘ave told ‘im ah am in le coma.
This is awkward.
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The Hoover is an Imbecile

Muzzeur’s imbecile of le Italian boyfriend continue to try to be le boss of everyone.
‘Yo Zephero’ he say, ‘you and me, we could go into ‘business”.
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Ah ‘ave no intention of going into any kind of business with l’imbecile but ah notice Muzzeur is watching.
‘What kind of business are we talking about Monsieur ‘oover’ ah say full of politeness.
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‘Son’, ‘e say, ‘Leave the logistico to me’ and ‘e look oveur at Muzzeur ‘oo ‘as clearly told ‘im to make l’effort to be narce to me.
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‘Sono’, ‘e say, ‘Leave the logistico to me,’ and ‘e look oveur at Muzzeur for approval.
She ‘as ‘er mouth full.
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Lateur she admire ‘is tail.
Ah want to vomeet.
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Muzzeur notice me staring at them.
‘I am adjusting his tail style’ she say.
‘e ‘as Bed ‘air.
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L’imbicile bart Muzzeur’s botterm.
‘e will pay for that.
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But Muzzeur is in love. It is disgusting. They do nothing but  slobbeur oveur each otheur.
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Finally Muzzeur ‘as ‘ad enough of la slobbeuring, she lie down to sleep.
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As usual, seeing le Paparazzi turn up, l’imbicile lie down be’ind ‘er.
Ah am watching ‘im. Ah know what ‘e is doing.
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Ah may ‘ave mentioned to ‘im that she lark studs ‘oo Fartoberm.
Sure enough, ‘e start fartoberming. Ah say nothing.
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Muzzeur’ as no idea, l’imbicile is planking’ upsard down be’ind ‘er.
Ah keep quiet as le moose.
‘e lie on ‘is back and wave ‘is legs around in l’air.
‘Looka Merlo, I am breako dancing’ ‘e yell.
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The ‘e sit up and imitate ‘er.
‘e as no idea she know exactly what ‘e up to.
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Finally ‘e do several le press up be’ind ‘er.
Still, Muzzeur ignore ‘im.
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‘BOOYAH!’ ‘e yell and flick ‘is long ‘air in l’air lark ‘e is some big Italian Stallion with l’airy chest.
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Then ‘e wandeur oveur to ‘er  – ‘Hey Merlo, did you notice my dancing?’
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eh eh eh.
Mah work ‘ere is done.
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