Day 4 of le Boot Camp

It is day 4 of le Boot Camp.
Ah ‘ave been sent ‘ere as ler punishment for complaining about Muzzeur’s ‘orrible imbecile of le boyfriend.
‘ere you see me with le prison guard and ‘torturer’ Monsieur Roar Eee. ‘e does not roar.
Just between you and me, ah quite lark ‘im. Do not tell la Muzzeurrs, they think ah am being punished.

As Muzzeurr ‘as kindly come to watch le ‘torture’ today – ah will pretend ah do not lark it.

‘Ooh arrr,’ ah groan, and ah put on le most pained expression while ah am being stroked with le flag.img_0479Next  l’impet is thrown on top of me once again – ‘e ‘ug me to le warm and fluffy limpet breast.
Ah ‘suffeur’ through this. ‘Look Muzzeurr’, ah moan, ‘ah am suffeuring’.

Suddenly ah notice la new girlfriends (ah ‘ave many admirers ‘ere) are all watching me through le fence.
Ah show them le burst of lartening speed. ‘ang on tart L’impet’ ah instruct.

Monsieur Roar Eee (‘oo does not roar) once again ‘e try to wrestle le ‘airy  l’impet from mah back. L’impet will not let go.
Ah do not care, ah am becoming quite attached to L’impet.img_0490

Then – Quel génie! Le genius Monsieur Roar Eee come up with le plan to sit on le Limpet.

Tarm stand still. No one dare to move.

Except me of course.
Enough of this ah say, you do what you want, ah see la girls through le fence admiring mon bravery and ah forgot all about le Monsieur Roar Eee and Le Limpet on mah back.img_0510

Suddenly, ah am asked to remember; ah ‘ave to turn around. Ah can do this.
Ah now see it mah job to make sure l’imbecile on mah back  do not fall off. Ah am careful.img_0513

It is tricky sterf to balance un l’imbicile along with un limpet but ah do it, la girls are depending on it.

Ah am suddenly aware of Uzzeur Muzzeur ‘oo sit up ‘igh above, making ridiculous oohing and ahhing noises.

‘Good little Boy’ she shout. This is getting embarrassing. Ah am not a little boy any more.


Once again ah spot la girls through le fence. ‘Bonjour Madames’ ah say. They love l’accent.
‘Do not listen to Uzzeur Muzzeur ‘igh above’ ah whisper, ‘she talk about Monsieur Roar Eee ‘ere on mah back; ‘e is le good little boy’.

Monsieur Roar Eee ‘oo still does not roar ask me to go a little faster. Seeing as ‘e is so polite, ah do – but not too fast – ah do not want ‘im to fall off.


Ah am concentrating ‘ard. This is mah concentrating ‘ard look. Ah am also ‘oping, la girls through le fence are watching.

All of le sudden, we ‘ave finished, ah was not even tortured. Actually ah am enjoying mahself. Ah do not want to finish yet, ah ‘ave moves ah ‘ave not yuet shown la girls, but it is oveur. Now ah will ‘ave to suffeur Muzzeurs ‘ugs and kisses.
Ah will report some more when ah get tarm, it is difficult to find le tarm to balance mah job with la girls and then ‘ave to report to you.img_0554


October 20 2016

Eet ‘as been le year since ah last wrote le blog yet ah do not apologise.img_0154

Uzzeurr Muzzeurr is at fault ‘ere, she ‘as been resisting mah attempts to get ‘er to take le dictation. Much ‘as ‘appen since ah last wrote which ah must fill you in on.

L’Uncle fell asleep in February and did not get up again. We did not know what to do at first. We ‘ung out together and Uzzeurr Muzzeur leak water out of  l’eye for many le week all over Muzzeur’s mane. Of course ah would not let ‘er get near mine.

Then le new ‘orze turn up out of le blue – ‘e introduce ‘imself as L‘oof ‘efner.

Naturally, ah inform ‘im politely that ‘e is ler big tosseurr and, incredibly, ‘e try to beat me up.

As ah ‘ave important stuff to attend to, ah leave mah defense in Muzzeur’s capable ‘ooves. Ah would ‘ave stayed and beaten ‘im to le pulp of course but duty call me.
‘e does not last ‘ere very long afteur ah suggest Uzzeurr Muzzeur lark to gallop non stop. Eh eh eh.

Next to arrive is le big lump of l’orze ooze name is L’oover. ‘e is la complete embicile.

Ah inform ‘im of this on mah way to do busy stuff. Muzzeur can deal with ‘im ah think.

But Quelle ‘orreur Muzzeur is nowhere to be found. Ah must deal with this embicile mahself. Ah give ‘im le run for ‘is money…


‘Bart mah Berm’ ah say to ‘im – ah did not mean it!

It was soon afteur this ah discoveur that L’embicile ‘as moved in as Muzzeur’s boyfriend! Ah cannot believe it. ‘Hoover is your new Step father’ she say. ‘e is not much oldeur than ah am! This is truly anus ‘orribilus.

‘Ah do not want le step father ‘ ah mutter but it is no good, ‘e ‘as moved in and ‘e act lark ‘e own ler place.img_0164

Apparently it was all le grumbling that sent me to Boot camp which is where ah am writing this from.

Ah am ‘ere to learn la manneurs apparently and to get used to carrying Uzzeur Muzzeur around on mah back. As if she cannot walk ‘erself!

Yesterday you would not believe what ‘appen.
Le big limpet with ler flapping arms and clangy bits get thrown onto mah back. It grab me around le gut and don’t let go.

Naturally ah am not going to put up with this so ah let fly with le most impressive moves anyone ‘ave eveur seen. Ah fly around at le speed of lart and still le limpet cling on.

Finally ah decide enough is enough, ah am le fair chappe, if le limpet need to ‘ug me, ‘e can and ‘e does. It is l’endearing moment until ah am rescued by le same man ‘oo ‘ustle me out of le bed.

‘e jump on top of le limpet and try to wrestle it to le ground. Ah do not mind, it is quite interesting and ‘e will remove l’impet which now think it mah best friend. It is not.

Eventually, afteur much struggle between le man and limpet, le man win and wrestle limpet to le ground. Ah am escorted back to le quarters where ah ‘ave food and la girlfriend right next door.
Ah will write more tomorrow. Nom nom nom.img_0384


Le Clinic

Le morning of le Clinic arrive and ah am standing around looking ‘andsome as always after le trip oveur ‘ere in le limousine.
We are le first to arrive.

Ah am *thinking about ‘ow ah can solve all le world’s problems and ‘elp all le starving ‘orzes in Africa when, allo allo, ‘oo should arrive but l’orze ‘oo ‘as obviously bought ‘is suit in le same shop as mine.
This ‘orze ‘as taste ah think.

‘Excuse moi’ ah say, ‘ah see you ‘ave exquisite taste in le clothing just lark me’.

‘In fact’, ah continue, ‘ah see ‘ere that your suit might be getting a wee bit tight on you. You should lose some weight Monsieur.’

Le new ‘orse look to ‘is Uzzeurr Muzzeur, ‘Who is this Dickhead?’ ah ‘ear ‘im say.
He is clearly le New Zealand ‘orze.
According to L’Uncle, in New Zealand language, le word ‘Dickhead’ mean ‘andsome and educated’.
Ah am flattered and ah think this may be, le new best friend for me.
‘Thank you ah say, mon nom est Zephyrr and ah am French’.

Suddenly, before we ‘ave le chance to chat, le clinic begin.
Ah can not wait to show la clinic director le Classique Dressage moves.
She will be impressed. Ah will teach ‘er a thing or two, eh eh eh.

Ah prepare le ground, it does not do if it is too ‘ard.

then ah gently lower mahself and flip upsard down.
Ah show everyone mah inverted levade. L’Uncle taught me this.
It feel so good ah do not want to get up.
Ah kick le lambs up ‘igh and spin around, ah do la  canter Pirouette Inverte .
‘Get up! no one is impressed by that’ say Uzzeurr Muzzeur, ‘Get up and behave yourself!’

What do you mean no one is impressed?
Le new best friend look very impressed.
Le next thing, ‘e get down to try les dressage moves ‘imself – ‘e is awkward.
Ah understand – ‘e is le New Zealander. This is not something ‘e can ‘elp.

While ah am ‘ere, ah think ah might take le nap – it is warm and soft and ah ‘ave ‘ad enough dressage. ‘Zephyr,’ say Uzzeurr Muzzeurr, ‘remember your promise to Uncle Persil’.

Unfortunately, ah do. Of course ah am up on all four lambs as fast as ah can and once again ah put on le ‘Quite Interested’ look.

Ah am not really interested at all just between you and me.

Ah look at mah new best friend, ‘e ‘as ‘is ‘Quite Interested’ look on too. ‘e is not smiling though.

All of le sudden, just as ah am about to doze off in le sun, le clinic director,
(‘oo, it turn out is Australian! Ah can not wait to tell L’Uncle) turn to me.
Apparently, ah must do as she say or she mart make me go ‘sweem with les croc’. She ‘as that look about ‘er.
‘Do as you’re told young man’ she say, ‘or oi will make you sweem with the crocs’.
At least ah think that is what she say. Ah do not know ‘ow to sweem.

‘Uzzeurr Muzzeur’, ah plead silently, ‘you may come and get me now’.

‘No really, now would be le good time to rescue me’.
Because ah can not get away ah am smiling le winning smile at le Australian ‘oping she will go away.
But this Australian is asking me le question and ah ‘ave no idea what she just say
so ah keep smile le winning smile until she think ah am le most charming young man she eveurr meet.

Suddenly she put ‘er right foot in.
You want to dance l’okey Tokey with me?
Is this ‘ow Australians greet each other when they meet?
Ah am relieved L’Uncle ‘as taught me to do this so well.
‘Put le right foot in’ ah am ‘umming le tune.

‘Put your big head out and shake it all about’ ah sing.

Then ah discoveurr le mark on le coat! Ah must groom it out. This could be le fashion disaster!
L’Australian can wait for me.

Ah wink at Uzzeurr Muzzeurr – ‘Lucky ah already know l’okey Tokey Muzzeurr’ ah say L’Australian can not teach me anything ah do not already know.

Then Uzzeurr Muzzeurr and l’Australian ‘ave a chat and ah spot le paparazzi.
‘Ow did they know ah would be ‘ere ah wondeur.

Of course ah must meet and greet le paparazzi so ah am off.

Ah pose ah little bit and smile and everybody oohs and arrs oveurr me but ah am used to it.
Ah suck mah tummy in a little.

Then all of le sudden, le clinic is oveurr. Le paparazzi swarm all oveurr le place to get le shot of me with le fans.
Ah ‘ave taught everyone everything ah know. Ah think they all learned a thing or two.
L’Uncle will be pleased with me.

*Ah was not really thinking about solving le world’s problems or le starving ‘orzes in Africa.
Ah do not give le toss about such things. Ah would lark le carrot bag though.
Ah think ah deserve le carrot bag and ah am le starving ‘orze.