Criminal Lines

At last ah am out on le Probation.
Le bond ees set;  eef ah do not turn up at le appointed tarm L’Uncle will ‘ave to forfeit le carrot for each minute ah am gone…
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‘Listeen up yer hairy leedle Tosser'; ah must ‘ave spoken aloud again for L’Uncle interrupt le chain of thought, ‘your bond is nothing of the sort and you know eet’.
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‘I think you will find, L’Uncle, that if you botheur to read le small print that is exactly what it say’.
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‘So, L’Uncle, you are either with me or you are against me, what will it be?’
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‘Oi have no idea what you are on about’ ‘e say, ‘you are raving on loike a drunken kangaroo at a cocktail party for lost crocodiles’.
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Actually, ah ‘ave no idea what ah am on about either, ah am just quoting lines out of le movie that Uzzeur Muzzeur ‘as told me about…
‘Ah ‘ave le very particular set of skills,’ ah say, ‘skills that make me la mare for ‘orzes lark you’.
Ah admit it, that did not come out quite as planned but L’Uncle do not seem to notice.
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Muzzeur is listening to what is going on.
Ah can tell she is embarrassed about mah be’aviour but ah do not care. Ah am enjoying mahself immensely.
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‘If you tell anyone where ah am, ah will find you and ah will bart you,’ ah continue.
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L’Uncle and ah continue to fart in le forest.
Muzzeur continue to pretend she is on la beach ‘aving le nice ride.
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‘LA LA LA LA LAAAAA’ she go.
‘Bleuh bleuh crockasheet bleuh’ go L’Uncle in Australian which no one understand.
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And everyone admit, ah am le most cleveur and ‘andsome ‘orze in le ”ole paddock.
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Well maybe not everyone.
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On le Run Again

Once again ah ‘ave foiled la prison guard and am on la run from le law.
eh eh eh. No need to run too fast.IMG_9477

Uzzeurr Muzzeurr see ah am out and come rushing across le paddock, ‘er arms flap about lark le cat in la washing machine.
”Ello Muzzeurr,’ ah say, ‘is something wrong?’
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‘Anyone would think someone break out of le prison again.’  ah say to Muzzeur, ‘eh eh eh’.
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”Ow did ah get out you ask?’
‘ZEPHYR!’ she grump , ‘you told me you were on probation’.
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‘Ah walk out’ ah say, ‘ow did you get in ‘ere?’.
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‘Thank you, ah am le smart ‘orze, by le way,
eet ees pronounced ‘orze, not arse’.
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‘And no ah do not know anything about this, do you?’.
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Take no Blame

Eet is day 7 of l’incarceration.
Eet is visiting ‘our and ‘oo should come to see me but Muzzeurr.
Ah am not doing anything so ah agree to see ‘er.IMG_9448

‘allo Muzzeurr’, I whisper, ‘please do not embarrass me.
‘Zephyr’ she say, ‘ what is this I hear about a prison riot? You have been a very naughty boy and you know it’.
This is embarrassing – ah ‘ope no one ‘ear ‘er. Ah am le Bad Boy and Bad Boys do not get told off by le Muzzeurr.
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‘It was not me Muzzeurr, ah ‘ave been wrongly incarcerated’
Of course, it was me all along, but ah am not so stupeed to admit that.
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‘Who started it then Zephyr? You can tell me you know, I am your Mother’.
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‘Ah can not tell anyone Muzzeurr, ah am sworn to top secret’ ah shout, and ah am looking around to see ‘oo ah can pin le blame on. Suddenly ah see ‘im –  ah whisper to ‘er…
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‘All ah can say is that ‘e is a known associate of  le Lambidos, but that did not come from moi’.
Muzzeurr gasp, she spot ‘im too, ‘e is watching us and just between you and me, ‘e look suspicious.
‘Surely not Gollamb?’
eh eh eh she believe me.
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‘I always thought you should never trust anyone with dreadlocks’ she say.
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‘Crikey’ say L’Uncle, ‘it’s enough to moik your hair stand on end’.
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This go even betteur than ah ‘ad ‘oped. eh eh eh
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