World Problems

Ah ‘ave been busy lately.
Le usual stuff, being le ‘elpful boy as usual.
Ah also turn le two year old last month.
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‘Ah am le 2 year old L’Uncle’ ah say, ‘now ah am ready to take oveur your role as le ‘Paddock Boss’.
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Ah simply can not believe mah ears when ‘e tell me to ‘pees orf’.
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Of course, ‘e say it in Australian so ah may not ‘ave ‘eard that quite right.
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So ah decide to sleep on it.
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Ah ‘ave le brilliant ideas when ah am asleep.
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Uzzeur Muzzeur, she come and crouch down beside me, she smile at me so ah smile back.
Ah am le polite young man.
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She is still there when ah open mah eye.
Ah keep smiling but ah am ‘oping she will go away and leave me alone.
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Ah turn oveur and think about all le world’s great problems.
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Le most worrying one is le world wide carrot shortage.
Clearly there is one for ah ‘ave not seen le carrot in about a week.
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Mmmmmmmmmm carrots.
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Zephyr has an opinion on everything

Being Le Proffesser Emeritus ‘as its advantages.
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Clearly, with such qualification,
everyone realise that ah know what ah am talking about.
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Actually, ah usually ‘aven’t le clue, ah did not study all that ‘ard,
‘oweveur, ah do not let that get in le way of sharing mah sought afteur opinion on everything.
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‘What do ah think of  le farting in Iraq?’ ah am asked.
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‘Ahh’ ah say, and ah clear mah throat with much french sounding ‘oicking –
actually, ah am stalling because ah did not know anyone fart in Iraq.
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Ah shall ‘ave to make something up.
‘Ah yes, le farting in Iraq,’ ah say, ‘well, clearly a lot of people lark to fart’.
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Ah can tell they are waiting for me to say more about farting.
So ah carry on. Ah am warming to mah subject matteur now.
‘For example, take Le Uncle and mahself,’ ah say,
‘we love to faaarrrrt, in fact we FAAARRRRRT for ‘ours every day’.
Ah am putting le french in le fart for l’emphasis.IMG_1117

‘It is our right to FAAARRRRT, as it is yours – go ahead FFFAAARRRRT alongside me,’ ah offeur kindly.
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Le Uncle is looking at me.
‘Crikey’ ‘e say, ‘You are about as learned as a screamer in Didjabringyagrogalong’.
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‘Huh?’ ah say. Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e just said.
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‘Oi said,’ ‘e repeat, ‘you have about as bleuh bleuh qualifications bleuh titsonabull bleuh’.
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Where is Titsonabull? ah think to mahself.
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It must be one of those places in Australia, Le Uncle is always on about.
Ah nod knowledgeably.
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And ah wonder to mahself,  if there is much farting going on in Titsonabull.
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Ah may look lark ah am not doing much but even when ah am still, ah am doing stuff. For instance, ‘ere ah am flexing le muscles.IMG_0761

Ah stand le other way while casually inspecting le muscular chest.
It does ‘ave a lot of muscle on it.IMG_0737

Then ah trot off to find more stuff to do.
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Muzzeur and L’Uncle stand around doing Stuff All. They are very le boring.
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So naturally, ah decide to start le stampede.
‘LOOK OUT!’ ah yell, ‘Le end of le world is ‘appening’, and ah gallop flat out towards Muzzeur and Le Uncle’.
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We all gallop about in la big panic and ah am  enjoying le end of le world immensely.
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Le Uncle and Muzzeur ‘ave no idea it is not really le end of le world.
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Ah run beside Le Uncle making motorbark noises with mah lips. (‘e ‘ate le motorbark)
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‘Rrrrrrrrrrrp RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRp’ ah go.
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Le Uncle bolt off. ‘e is worried. Motorbark AND le end of le world!
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Suddenly, ‘e realise, it is me pretending to be le motorbark.
Now, through no fault of mah own,  ah am in le big trouble.
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Ah am going to ‘ave to fart for mah rights.
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Ah was ‘oping Muzzeur mart defend me, ‘er only son.
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But Muzzeurr, she is too busy standing around doing Stuff All again.
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‘Muzzeurr’ ah say ‘opefully, ‘MUZZEURRR! you ‘ave to ‘elp me,  Le Uncle is trying to bart me for no reason at all’
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Unfortunately, that encourage Muzzeurr to start waffling on about ‘ow ah need to grow up, bleuh bleuh and ‘ow when she was mah age bleuh bleuh bleuh…
Sacre Bleuh! She was never mah age.
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Le Uncle and ah think this is hilarious.
We stop farting and walk around ‘er, ‘Bleuh bleuh bleuh’ ah say.
‘Gab gab gab,’ say Le Uncle in Australian language.
‘Your mother ees like a kookaburra een parliament,’ ‘e say, ‘she has a lot to say but none of eet makes any sense’.
Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e mean but ah laugh nervously anyway.
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Uzzeur muzzeur ‘as come to take Muzzeur out for some exercise and ah am sensing le big trouble for LeUncle and ah when she get back.
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