The Poultarse

Muzzeurr is lame and everybody blame me except Muzzeurr.

‘You are a very naughty young man, but I place the blame firmly on your Uncle’ Muzzeurr say.

‘Bleuh bleuh, on and on she go, L’Uncle nod and ah pretend we listen to ‘er.

Of course, we are not, ‘oweveurr, we watch ‘er in case she release ‘er ‘Muzzeur’s wrath’.

‘Fair dinkum, oi was joking when oi said you should give her a kickupthearse’.

‘Ow was ah supposed to know this joke?
‘It was bloody funny though mate’ ‘e whisper.

Muzzeurr ‘ave too much attention.
She ‘as  massage twice le day and now she wear la poultarse.
Ah would lark to wear la poultarse, why can not ah ‘ave one?

‘It is a Poultice’.

‘That is what ah say Muzzeurr, you ‘ave le poultarse’.

‘POUL-TICE’ she yell, ‘at least pronounce it properly Son’.

Even L’Uncle is grumpy about all le attention Muzzeurr get.
‘She is prancing around here wearing that poultarse like a kookaburra in a ball gown’ ‘e grump.

‘POUL-TICE it is a POUL-TICE’ she say, ‘and I HAVE to have it applied because somebody tried to KICK MY ARSE’.

‘This is getting embarrassing. Muzzeurr  is on le drug for le swollen butt cheek.
She can not ‘andle ‘er drug. Ah should take it for ‘er.
Once again, because of Muzzeurr, ah am mortified.
‘ANNUS ‘ORRIBILIS’ ah sigh loudly.

Muzzeur suddenly start le giggling.

She can not stop. She ‘eave great gaffaw afteur gaffaw.

Now she snort ‘er mirth.
‘ERMERGRED Zephyr,’ she bray, ‘I can NOT believe you just said that’.

Ah ‘ave no idea what she is on about. L’Uncle and ah ‘ave ‘ad enough of ‘er and ‘er stupidity.

Finally she gasp – ‘You should not talk about your Uncle’s bottom like that’ she say, ‘though it is true’.

Talk Like a Pirate Day



Today is International Talk Lark le Pirate Day.
Ah ‘ave been looking forward to this day.
Naturally if ah am going to talk like le pirate ah must look lark one too.
Ah put on le pirate costume.

Ah am quite pleased with it.
Ah check in le water trough and ah see ah look even more ‘andsome than usual

L’Uncle is le first mate.
‘e insist on wearing le ‘at only le filly would wear.
Or an Australian.

Ah, on le uzzeur ‘oof, wear le ‘at to put le fear of Dog into anyone ‘oo see me.
Ah even ‘ave le eye patch eh eh eh.
Fear thee not, it is only me.

L’Uncle and ah are now le Pirates of le Cloveurpatch.
Ah am le Capitan Dreadarse Pugwash and L’Uncle is le first mate – Peg Leg Rattleme Bonaparte

L’Uncle and ah practice le pirate talk
‘Arrrrrrrrr would ye lark to fart with me, me ‘earty’ ah say in le big growly pirate voice.

‘Arrrrrrrrrr’ say L’Uncle, followed by a lot of stuff about le barnacles and la parrots.
‘e ‘as stripped off ‘is coat ready to fart to le death.

‘Ah challenge you to le battle of le ‘igh sea ye big bulge rat’ ah say, le big fart will do l’old man some good.

Ah lay down le ‘at, le coat and le eye patch ready to fart for le larf.
Being french, it would not do to dirty le costume.
It is a pity really as ah ‘ave grown quite fond of le ‘at and le coat.

As usual, Muzzeurr is grumping away to ‘erself.
We will make ‘er walk lark le plankton lateur.

Le battle begin.
‘Look loively ye big landlubbing groper’ yell Le First Mate.
Ah am trying to think of le suitable piratey reply.

‘Ahoy me ‘earty’ ah yell, ‘Shiveur me timbres ye big barnacle clad bowl of le sloop’
eh eh eh. Ah am feeling very l’impressed with le command of le pirate language which ah only just learn this week.

‘Look sharp you son of a biscuit eating bilge rat –  RRRRRRrrrrrrrrr’ shout L’Uncle.

Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e mean so ah shout ‘MMMMMmmmmmNNNnnnnnn’ back at ‘im.
Ah know le alphabet when ah ‘ear it.

‘What the hey?’ L’Uncle  say.
‘Ohhhhh?’ ah try, ‘Peeeeeee?’

L’Uncle turn to Uzzeurr Muzzeurr.
‘What the hell?’ he ask, ‘What pirate shouts out letters of the bloody alphabet?’

‘Pirates of le Alphabet Sloop?’ ah suggest.

It was just le suggestion.

Super Powers

L’Uncle and ah practise l’okey Pokey every day.
‘Put yer left hoof een, put yer left hoof out, put yer left hoof een and shake eet all about’ we sing togetheur.

‘Do the Hokey Pokey and swing around, cause that’s WHAT EET’S ALL ABOUT’.
Ah am ‘aving so much fun ah desard to…

go le solo.
‘Put your botterm in, put your botterm out, put your botterm in and shake it all about’ ah sing.

‘Hang on a minute Son,’ L’Uncle is chasing me, ‘that’s not how eet goes’.
Ah close l’eyes and keep running. ‘e can not see me when ah do this –
ah ‘ave le Super Power of Invisibility. eh eh eh.

Finally, because ah feel bad about using le Super Power on ‘im, ah turn and face ‘im, with le eyes open.
‘e can see me again’.
‘Sorry L’Uncle’, ah apologise, ‘ah did not mean to use le awesome power of invisibility, I do not know what got in to me’.
‘Son,’ ‘e say, and ah know ah am in for le lecture.

‘Yes L’Uncle’ ah sigh, ‘what is it now?’

‘You know oi can still see you when you close your eyes don’t you’.
Huh? This is news to me.

Ah close le eyes and concentrate, ‘be in awe of mah Super Power’ ah say.
‘You don’t have a Super Power, ya great beeg hairy tossa’ ‘e yell.

‘Well ‘ave you got le Super Power l’Uncle?’ ah am bellowing, ‘because ah do not see one’.

Then ah desard to use l’airdressing Super Power .
‘You do not think ah ‘ave any Super Power ‘uh, L’Uncle, well let us see ‘ow you lark this’.
Ah give ‘im le Moullet.

‘e is suitably ‘orrified.
‘Take THAT’ ah shout.

‘What the bloody hell?’ ‘e rear back from L’airdressing Super Power before ‘im.
‘Yes’, ah say, ‘you now ‘ave Le Moullet, you are le BOGAN ‘orze’.

‘And do not tell me ah do not ‘ave le power of invisibility’ ah say and ah take le deep breathe and close le eye and put le right ‘oof up and wave it at ‘im.
‘There’ ah say triumphantly, ‘ow many ‘ooves am ah ‘olding up? What is that? You do not know?’

‘e is silent. Ah know now ‘e cannot see me so  ah shake it all about at ‘im.
‘That is because ah am invisible L’Uncle, ah ‘ave le power eh eh eh’.
Ah am shaking it. Ah poke le tongue out at ‘im while ah do it and flap le ‘ooves about. Because ‘e can not see me, ah do not care ‘ow silly ah may look. It do not matteur, ah  am invisible.

Ah am pretty certain ah am still invisible.

Now ah am not so certain.

Suddenly, ah am pretty certain ah ‘ear Muzzeurr calling me.
Ah gallop away to ‘er sard.