Zephyr has an opinion on everything

Being Le Proffesser Emeritus ‘as its advantages.
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Clearly, with such qualification,
everyone realise that ah know what ah am talking about.
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Actually, ah usually ‘aven’t le clue, ah did not study all that ‘ard,
‘oweveur, ah do not let that get in le way of sharing mah sought afteur opinion on everything.
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‘What do ah think of  le farting in Iraq?’ ah am asked.
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‘Ahh’ ah say, and ah clear mah throat with much french sounding ‘oicking -
actually, ah am stalling because ah did not know anyone fart in Iraq.
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Ah shall ‘ave to make something up.
‘Ah yes, le farting in Iraq,’ ah say, ‘well, clearly a lot of people lark to fart’.
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Ah can tell they are waiting for me to say more about farting.
So ah carry on. Ah am warming to mah subject matteur now.
‘For example, take Le Uncle and mahself,’ ah say,
‘we love to faaarrrrt, in fact we FAAARRRRRT for ‘ours every day’.
Ah am putting le french in le fart for l’emphasis.IMG_1117

‘It is our right to FAAARRRRT, as it is yours – go ahead FFFAAARRRRT alongside me,’ ah offeur kindly.
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Le Uncle is looking at me.
‘Crikey’ ‘e say, ‘You are about as learned as a screamer in Didjabringyagrogalong’.
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‘Huh?’ ah say. Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e just said.
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‘Oi said,’ ‘e repeat, ‘you have about as bleuh bleuh qualifications bleuh titsonabull bleuh’.
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Where is Titsonabull? ah think to mahself.
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It must be one of those places in Australia, Le Uncle is always on about.
Ah nod knowledgeably.
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And ah wonder to mahself,  if there is much farting going on in Titsonabull.
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Ah may look lark ah am not doing much but even when ah am still, ah am doing stuff. For instance, ‘ere ah am flexing le muscles.IMG_0761

Ah stand le other way while casually inspecting le muscular chest.
It does ‘ave a lot of muscle on it.IMG_0737

Then ah trot off to find more stuff to do.
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Muzzeur and L’Uncle stand around doing Stuff All. They are very le boring.
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So naturally, ah decide to start le stampede.
‘LOOK OUT!’ ah yell, ‘Le end of le world is ‘appening’, and ah gallop flat out towards Muzzeur and Le Uncle’.
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We all gallop about in la big panic and ah am  enjoying le end of le world immensely.
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Le Uncle and Muzzeur ‘ave no idea it is not really le end of le world.
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Ah run beside Le Uncle making motorbark noises with mah lips. (‘e ‘ate le motorbark)
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‘Rrrrrrrrrrrp RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRp’ ah go.
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Le Uncle bolt off. ‘e is worried. Motorbark AND le end of le world!
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Suddenly, ‘e realise, it is me pretending to be le motorbark.
Now, through no fault of mah own,  ah am in le big trouble.
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Ah am going to ‘ave to fart for mah rights.
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Ah was ‘oping Muzzeur mart defend me, ‘er only son.
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But Muzzeurr, she is too busy standing around doing Stuff All again.
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‘Muzzeurr’ ah say ‘opefully, ‘MUZZEURRR! you ‘ave to ‘elp me,  Le Uncle is trying to bart me for no reason at all’
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Unfortunately, that encourage Muzzeurr to start waffling on about ‘ow ah need to grow up, bleuh bleuh and ‘ow when she was mah age bleuh bleuh bleuh…
Sacre Bleuh! She was never mah age.
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Le Uncle and ah think this is hilarious.
We stop farting and walk around ‘er, ‘Bleuh bleuh bleuh’ ah say.
‘Gab gab gab,’ say Le Uncle in Australian language.
‘Your mother ees like a kookaburra een parliament,’ ‘e say, ‘she has a lot to say but none of eet makes any sense’.
Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e mean but ah laugh nervously anyway.
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Uzzeur muzzeur ‘as come to take Muzzeur out for some exercise and ah am sensing le big trouble for LeUncle and ah when she get back.
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LMAO – or not.

Muzzeur is ‘aving le visit from la Massuese today.
Luckily ah am on ‘and with le benefit of mah minutes of training.
‘Do not worry Muzzeur’ ah assure ‘er, ‘ah will show this person what to do’.
Muzzeur does not seem as ‘appy as se should be to ‘ave ,e at ‘er side.
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Zis Masseuse get to work on Muzzeur.
‘Excusey moi,’ ah say, ‘you will want to learn all about anatomy’.
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She ignore me but ah do not mind.
‘Zis ‘ere, eet ees Muzzeurs’ Back’ ah say knowledgeably.
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As she continue to ignore me, clearly, she ‘as le deafness problem so
ah say eet louder – ‘BAAAAACK’ ah shout
‘and now you are working on Muzzeurs Arse’
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‘ARRRRSE,’ ah emphasize it.
This ah learn in mah anatomy class.
Eet is true ah did not listen very carefully, anatomy is le very boring subject,
‘oweveur, ah do know l’arse when ah see one.
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Clearly this imbecile ‘as no understanding of what arses are for so ah show ‘er.
‘Look, Imbecile’, ah say, ‘you can rest your ‘ead and sleep on Muzzeur’s big arse’.
Ah nuzzle around to find le softest spot.
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‘Ahhhhhhh’ ah sigh, and am almost asleep when….
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Quelle ‘orreur,  ah notice she carry on without mah guidance.
‘Listen very carefully’, ah say, ‘ah shall say this only once’.
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But Uzzeur Muzzeur is distracting me and ah ‘ave forgotten what it is ah was about to say.
La Masseuse wait expectantly for me to shower ‘er with mah wisdom.
Ah am thinking so ‘ard it ‘urt.
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For once ah am at a loss for words, so ah bestow on ‘er le kiss of knowledge.
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‘Did you see that Le Uncle, you may ‘ave shot le Sherrif but ah kiss la Masseuse’.
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‘Ah kiss la Masseuse,’ ah repeat, guffawing loudly so everyone will realise ‘ow funny ah am.
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Then, in a stroke of genius, ah add, ‘But ah did not kiss le Veterinary’.
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We all laugh so ‘ard at that one, le Masseuse almost fall over.
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Ah am on le roll. Ah am le most ‘ysterical ‘orze in le ‘ole paddock.IMG_0543

Then ah notice Uzzeur Muzzeur, she is glaring at me.
It is then that ah remember, ah am ‘ere to give advice, not to tell le jokes.
It is ‘ard to keep a straight face.IMG_0545

Ah put on mah serious face.
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But this is no laughing matter, ah ‘ave to pull mahself togetheur and save Muzzeur’s arse.
Ah guide le ‘and of la Masseuse and together, we save Muzzeur.
There will be no laughing ‘er arse off while ah am ‘ere, making sure it is firmly attached to ‘er back.
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