The Peril of Jet Propulsion

Ah learn something today, so orribile, ah am still een shock.IMG_8163

Even Muzzeur ees worried.
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Ah ‘ad been practicing le Jet Propulsion.
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Ah release gas with a force that propel me up and le forward.
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Le more explosive le force, le faster ah go.
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Ah am super powered by le natural gas.
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Even Muzzeur try eet.
She sound lark le ‘arley Davidson.
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Some time all thees gas propel me forward when ah least expect eet.
Le Uncle does not expect eet either.
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Other time eet run out and ah come to le abrupt ‘alt.
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As ah expel le gas, ah am launched into space.
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Ah need to find a way to keep le supply going. Eet ees a little stop and start.
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Le stop can be somewhat, disconcerting.
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Ah ask Le Uncle eef ‘e know anything about Jet Propulsion.
‘Huh?’ ‘e say. And then all of le sudden, ‘e tell me le most ‘orribile thing.
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‘Son,’ ‘e say, ‘you should be very careful, Oi knew a horse once, who used to propel himself round by the power of gas. Unfortunately, one day the stop valve blew out and the horse in question, torpedoed in large zig zags through the sky roight across the billabong’.
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‘Quelle’orreur Le Uncle, that can not be true’ ah am very upset,
ah wave mah ‘ooves around to show ‘im ‘ow upset ah am.
‘Was ‘e OK?’ ah whisper.
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‘Well, that’s the terrible thing, Son’, Le Uncle continue, ‘this horse was a steeplechaser, he was a good 17.2hh but by the time we got to him, son, he was a fraction of his former size’.
‘e is looking pointedly at le ‘orzes next door.
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Ah follow ‘is gaze.
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‘You mean?’ Le Uncle nods and ah feel queezy.
Ah no longer use jet proplusion to propel mahself around.
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Pronunciation Problems Galore

Le Uncle ‘ave taken up Le Break Dancing but ‘e ees as ‘opeless at le Break Dancing as ‘e ees at Pronounciation.IMG_8138

‘Ready?’ ‘e ask, ‘start the music Son’.
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Eet ees embarressing, but ah do not know ‘ow to get out of eet.
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Down ‘e go, thrashing around while ah provide le drum and rhythm in le background.
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‘BERM CHACCA BERM CHACCA’ ah yell.
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Le Uncle spin around on le ground in time to mah Berm Chaccas.
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‘BERM BERM bermity BERM’ ah go.
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‘BUGGER!’ yell Le Uncle.
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‘I think you’ll find eet ees la BuggEUR Le Uncle,’
ah am un ‘elpful leetle boy when eet come to le grammeur,
besides ‘e ees Australian so ‘e ‘ave no idea.
‘eet ees la BUGGEEEUUUURRRRRR’ ah say again and ah roll mah tongue over le Rrrrs.
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‘BUGGER me,’ ‘e say again, stopping mid spin, ‘I think bleuh bleuh buggery back out’.
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‘ BUGGEUR, Le Uncle’ ah feel eet ees mah duty to correct ‘im.
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Le Uncle staggeur to ‘is feet.
‘Bleuh bleuh Nancy Boy Bleuh bleuh cheeky little Bugger’ ‘e say.
Most of eet ees lost on me as eet ees all in Australian but ah know le mispronunciation when ah ‘ear one.
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‘Le word ees le BUGGEUURRRR’ ah am hoiking in le back of mah throat to emphasise le RRR.
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‘Crikey, are you OK?,’ ask Le Uncle, ‘You sound like you’ve got a touch of the flu’.
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‘Le FLEUH’ ah say.
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‘Bless you’ say Le Uncle quite inexplicably.
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Sleeping In

Ah spend le night chatting with le ‘orze next door,
so naturally when Uzzeur Muzzeur come to take off mah jacquet, ah was not ready to get up.
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Ah lay back down to emphasize mah exhaustion.
‘Go away’, ah beg, ‘ah am ‘aving le sleep een’.
Le sun ees warm and ah am comfortable.
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Le Uncle ‘ear me. ‘Bleuh bleuh up ya lazy Gobshite’ ‘e say.
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But ah do not listen to ‘im. ‘e ees Australian and ‘e ees een le nude’.
‘oo do you theenk you are – ‘oof ‘efner? Ralph ‘arris?’
We ‘ear all sorts of news een le paddock. eh eh eh.
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‘Ah am exhausted Uzzeur Muzzeur,’ ah say. ‘Do not make me get up’.IMG_8027

Le Uncle look back at me. ‘There’s a word for horses like you.’
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‘Really Le Uncle? What word would that be?’.
Ah doubt ‘e ‘as just one word for a ‘orze lark me. Eh eh eh.
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‘Hairy leedle Pooftah springs to moind’ say Le Uncle.
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As usual, ‘e ‘as got eet all wrong.
The word you look for ees Poufteuh Le Uncle’.
Being Australian, ‘e ‘as no idea about le pronounciation, or ‘ow to count.
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Uzzeur Muzzeur ees fussing around me lark a one armed Morris Danceur. She ‘as managed to remove mah jacquet and make me comfortable. Ah go back to sleep.
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Suddenly ah am rudely awakened by le clomping of enormous ‘ooves. Sacre Bleuh! ees eet an earthquake? ah think.
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But no, eet ees Muzzeur and she ees stomping towards me.
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Ah am sensing le beeg trouble.
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‘Zephyr,’ she shriek, ‘it is high time you got up’.
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‘Euh Muzzeur,’ ah groan, ‘Please do not make me get up, ah think ah may ‘ave a touch of le flueh’.
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‘Don’t be such a silly little boy,’ she say, ‘Get up out of bed so your Other Mother can remove your jacket’.
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Ah wonder eef ah should continue to lie ‘ere, or get up and ‘ave a fart with Le Uncle.
I lark to fart, but ah also lark to lie een le sunshine.
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‘Go on, Get Up Out of Bed!’
Muzzeur ‘ave ‘er ”ah mean business’ look about ‘er now.
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Ah ‘eave mahself to mah feets.
Uzzeur Muzzeur ees waving ‘er arms and legs around doing le ‘ighland Fling.
She look even more stupeed than normal.
eh eh eh.
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