Professeur Emeritus

Today Andrew Le Vet award me Mah Veterinary de la Séance Degree with Distinction.
IMG_9487

‘E actually say ah so brilliant that ‘e make me Professeur Emeritus eh he he
Ah ‘ave no idea what that mean, but clearly eet astonishing ah achieve this, whateveur eet ees.
IMG_9483

‘Bloody hell’ say Le Uncle, ‘does he know you did not study Jack’.
Of course ah did not study Jack, there ees no ‘orze called Jack ‘ere – ah ‘esitate to point out le obvious.
IMG_9489

Suddenly Le Uncle start yelling at me in Australian. Ah ‘ave no idea why.
‘How come a hairy leedle Tossa like you gets to become a Professor all of a sudden,’ ‘e yell.
IMG_9506

‘We can not all be brilliant, and ‘andsome,’ ah am shouting back now.
IMG_9507

‘But come on, how much study did you actually do?’, Le Uncle is pleading with me now.
IMG_9517

‘ah ‘ave you know ah watch Andrew Le Vet very closely when ‘e  ‘ere’.
IMG_9518

Then ah put mah nose een le air to make le point.
IMG_9522

‘The only thing you are a professor of is Professor of Tossership’ ‘e say.
IMG_9523

‘Ah am l Professor Emeritus pass with le distinction in  Veterinary de la Séance Degree’ ah say.
IMG_9533

‘Yeah, well OK  then, let’s see how much you actually know then shall we?’ ‘e say.
IMG_9534

‘Eef oi was to get colic, for example,’ ‘e say, ‘what would you do?’
IMG_9538

Ah decide to answer ‘im in french.
‘Je suis perdu comment alley vous’ ah whisper, and then ah add ‘feray Jacque’.
This is a very cleveur move on mah part. Le Uncle can not speak french. Eh eh eh.
IMG_9539

‘Say that a bit louder’ ‘e say.
Ah know ‘e ees looking at Uzzeur Muzzeur ‘oping she will translate for ‘im.
IMG_9541

‘Listen very carefully, ah shall say thees only once,’ ah say,
and ah start ‘oiking and making guttural french sounding noises.
IMG_9542

‘Oh come on Mate, this is bullshit’ ‘e say as ah am ‘oiking up le storm.
IMG_9544

‘Now say that again in Australian so we can all understand,’ ‘e say.
‘Ah do not speak Australian’ ah reply.
IMG_9534

‘Of course you do yer hairy leedle tosser, everyone can speak Australian, eets not Rocket Science’.
IMG_9535

‘Now come on, Oi’ve got colic, you have your  Tossership in Veterinary Séance, who are you going to call up from the dead?’
Ah put mah nose up in le air to show ‘im ‘ow much more qualified than ‘im ah am.
IMG_9536

Suddenly, we both realise Les Girls are watching us.
We decide to stop arguing and look impressive instead.
IMG_9503

‘GIRLS!’
we both say at once. and they all look very impressed.
IMG_9477

An Electric Fencitar Recital

Today while Muzzeur was ‘aving a massage, ah decide to kindly contribute to le atmosphere by giving le Fencitar recital.
Ah ‘ave to think very ‘ard about what ah will play.IMG_9424

Finally ah decide, tonight, ah will play ‘Don’t Fence me In.’ ah announce.
Ah give mah fencitar a preliminary pluck to let everyone settle down so ah can start.
IMG_9426

Then ah clear mah throat and put on mah serious musician face.
‘Aerm rrrrrrrrm’ ah go.
IMG_9431

Plunk Plunk Plunk…’Oooh give me land, lots of land under starry sky above’… PLUNK PLUNK go mah fencitar,
IMG_9423

‘Don’t fence me in,’ plunkity plunk plerlunk
IMG_9429

‘Let me trot through the wide open country that ah love, hmmmm hmmmmm…’ Ploink plunky plunk
IMG_9435

‘Don’t fence me in’ Pluckity plunk plunk.
IMG_9436

‘Feed me carrots, feed me oats and that meusli that ah love,’ ah am free wheeling eet now,
mostly because ah can not remember le actual lyrics…
‘Don’t fence me in… oh ah will bust down this fence and give your friend a shove…’
IMG_9432

Suddenly ah notice Uzzeur Muzzeur ees glaring at me.
She start to stride towards me.
Ah feel eet time to finish mah set
‘Thank you, you’re beautiful’ ah say hurriedly before spinning around
and galloping off the down the paddock before all mah fans ‘ave time to congratulate me.
IMG_9433

 

Fat Slappers & Electric Fencitar

Ah ‘ave taken up le Electric Fencitar.
You can play all sort of tunes by plucking le wire with le nose.
‘Bada bung bing bing bong bing biong bing….’
Le Uncle, ‘e ees most impressed.
IMG_9298

As le added bonus, eet drive Muzzeur  crazy.
IMG_9309

‘Stop it Zephyr, that’s not music, it is nothing but NOISE’.
IMG_9310

But ah ignore ‘er, she ees not le boss of me.
‘Bada bung bung bung bada berm’ ah go, ah am on a roll.
Uzzeur Muzzeur ees glaring at me but she ees not le boss of me either.
IMG_9320

Le Uncle ees muttering something about ‘aving respect for Muzzeur
but eet ees all een Australian so ah do not ‘ave to listen..
Besides, ah ‘ave come to le end of mah set.
Ah finish with le resounding ‘BONKITY BOING!’
IMG_9300

Ah give an exaggerated bow.
‘Merci Beaucoup everyone,’ ah say as eef they give me a stand up ovation.
While ah am down ‘ere ah discover le patch of uneaten cloveur.
Ah may be een this position for le while.
IMG_9369

Later, because ah am bored and Muzzeur pay me no heed ah pretend ah ‘ave died.
This will make ‘er notice me ah think.
IMG_9379

Ah roll oveur to see eef she notice yet.
Sacre Bleuh!
She too busy applying ‘er lippystick.
IMG_9380

‘How does this look?’ she ask me.
HOW DOES THIS LOOK???
IMG_9311

Ah can not believe Muzzeur think applying ‘er lippystick more important than ‘er dying son.
IMG_9376

Eet really ees very depressing.
IMG_9386

Ah sink lower and lower into a state of deep depression.
Ah suck on le grass stalks and contemplate mah future.
IMG_9387

Le Uncle ees watching me.
‘Get upya big Galah’, ‘e say.
Ah do not ‘ave to listen to ‘im.
‘You are not le boss of me’ ah mutter.
IMG_9391

All ‘e do ees chat up Les Girls. All day.
IMG_9398

Ah can not believe they so interested een wombats, galahs and crocodiles.
Stazi Paterson, ‘oo according to Muzzeur, ees a Fat Slapper, think ‘e ees ‘illarious.
She ‘ang around ‘im all day.
‘e do not ‘ave time for me any more.
Muzzeur ees a Quarter Horse.
IMG_9400

Muzzeur and ah watch een disgust.
‘Just LOOK at that Fat Brown Slapper’, shriek Muzzeur.
Ah am looking.
IMG_9359

‘She is a Fat Brown Slapper,’ snort Muzzeur.
Eet ees getting embarrassing now,
ah ‘ave to ‘ide be’ind ‘er.
IMG_9361

This ees about as much fun as le visit from le ‘oof trimmeur.
IMG_9362

‘I don’t know what Persil sees in these Slappers’ sigh Muzzeur.
IMG_9364

Ah feel eet ees time to put mah soothing influence into play and ah know just what to say -
‘Muzzeur,’ ah say soothingly, ‘you may not be a Fat Brown Slapper but Le Uncle do say you are a Fat Slapper’
IMG_9341

IMG_9312