Interviewing techniques

Muzzeur ‘as been getting all sorts of attention from all sorts of media lately.
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‘Ah will ‘andle this, Muzzeur’ ah whisper. Ah know ‘ow to get rid of l’imposteur.
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‘Muzzeur does not want to give any interviews today'; ah shout loudly so L’imbecile will understand.
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Then ah remove le recording devices.
‘Excuse moi Madame’ ah say, ‘but ah will take this’.
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To mah astonishment, l’imbecile point le finger at me and tell me ah am a naughty boy!
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‘Ah think you meant that ah am le most ‘andsome young man you ‘ave eveur met,’ ah reply.
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Clearly she agree and soon we are exchanging le kisses.
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She is not such an imbecile after all.
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Ah offeur to give ‘er some of mah learned advice.
She ees pointing le microphone at Muzzeur’s shoulder, ‘er interviewing technique ‘as a lot to be desired.
‘That is Muzzeur’s shouldeur’ ah say ‘elpfully, ‘you need to point that at Muzzeur’s mouthpiece’.
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Then it is mah turn to be interveiwed.
She ‘as no idea  ‘ow to do this.
She does not even ask me any questions. No matteur, ah ‘ave all  l’answers.
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She is waving le microphone all oveur le place, it is no matteur, ah realise she is l’imbicile after all and it is up to me to keep talking and follow it.
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‘As ah was saying,’ ah say, ‘ah receive mah Proffeseurship in le veterinary science last year. Le youngest (and most ‘andsome) ‘orze eveur to do such a thing’.
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Of course L’imbecile does not understand le word ah say.
Clearly, she is not educated.
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Then she start warbling at me. Ah ‘ave no idea what she is going on about.
Ah put on mah ‘quite interested’ look. Ah am not at all interested.
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All ah can do is wait for ‘er to finish what she ‘as to say.
Ah am le polite young man.
On and on she go.
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Finally she finish and ah can tell ‘er more about me.
‘ah gain le Masteurs in  veterinarian science, le science of teefs and physiotherapy’ .
For some reason, she find this very amusing. Ah do not feel very amused.
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‘Ah am not amused’ ah tell ‘er.
This make ‘er laugh even more.
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Ah give up. Ah decide to ‘ave le snooze on Muzzeur’ big botterm.
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Suddenly ah open mah eyes and there is Uzzeur Muzzeur. She is smiling at me.
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So ah smile right back at ‘er.
‘Ah love you Uzzeur Muzzeur’ ah sigh.
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Zephyr is a Helpful Little Boy

Ah am le very depressed little ‘orze.
Ah try mah ‘ardest to be le world’s most ‘elpful ‘orze.
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For example, ah ‘elp Muzzeur with le dishes.
‘Le me do this for you Muzzeur’ ah say ‘elpfully.
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Muzzeur is most impressed with mah diligence and attention to detail.
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Togetheur, we polish le bowl.
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Ah would prefer it if she would go away but Muzzeur being Muzzeur, she is never very far away from ‘er bowl.
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Ah stand aside to allow Muzzeur to do la full bowl inspection afteur ah ‘ave cleaned it.
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Go a’ead Muzzeur’ ah say, ‘you will not find anything other than squeeks from being clean, eh eh eh’.
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Next ah approach L’Uncle. There is a lot of sterf that need to cleaned out in ‘is bowl!
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‘L’Uncle’ ah murmeur, ‘if you would lark, ah do your dishes for you’.
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‘E does not seem as impressed as ‘e should be so ah try again…
‘L’Uncle, ah ‘ave all le suction power of le nor’west gale in these lips of mine…
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Ah can apply them to any cleaning surface and lift those stains right off; let me demonstrate’.
‘Peesorf yahairy leedlepoofta’ ‘e say.
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Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e means as ah still do not understand Australian,
so ah practice mah suction technique. ‘Phhhrrrrrrrrrrrp, phrrrrrrrrrrrrp’ ah go.
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Ah suck up some cold air. Ah should not ‘ave done that.
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When ah can finally open mah eyes again, ah discoveur to mah ‘orreur L’Uncle ‘as cleaned and polished ‘is bowl all by ‘imself!
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‘Thereyago moiSon’ ‘e say, ‘Wrapyer laughing gear around that’.
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Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e ees on about and there is nothing for me to do except admire mah ‘andsome reflection in le bowl. Ah do not feel lark laughing.
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Zephyr does Dressage

I ‘ave le feeling Uzzeur Muzzeur is starting ‘er preparations for our entrance onto le Prix St-Georges Dressage circuit.
Ah decide ah will surprise ‘er and get some practice in with le ‘elp of L’Uncle.IMG_3407

L’Uncle ‘as watched a few dressage tests, ‘e tell me what to do.
‘at Oi, Enter in collected canter’ e say.
Ah can do this…
When ‘e yell OI again ah gallop in.
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‘At Boi Halt – immobility,’ ‘e say.
Ah throw mahself on le ground and ah give ‘im immobility at Boi.
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‘Proceed at collected trot’ ‘e yell
‘Lark this?’ ah say, waving mah legs around in la collection.
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‘e do not seem to ‘ear me so ah go on.
‘Collected trot ecstasy’ ‘e say.
Eet feel good to me so ah continue in full collection.
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‘Shoulder in left’ ‘e shout.
Ah ‘eave mahself up and give Muzzeur le shoulder in.
Of course, ah keep mah nose out. Ah am not stupeed.
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‘Volte left’.
‘e did not need to tell me to this. Muzzeur is coming at me and she is not ‘appy.
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‘Half pass left’ yell L’Uncle
Ah take le ‘alf pass very seriously.
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‘Extended trot HXF’
Ah  give ‘im mah extended trot.
Muzzeur keep getting in le way.
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‘Half pirouette to the left’ ‘e yell.
‘Ah ‘ave been waiting to demonstrate this one.
Ah give mahself 12 out of 10.
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‘Extended trot to the roight’
Ah take a good look at le excavateur while ah am at eet.
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‘Flying change of legs at M’.
Uzzeur Muzzeur will be most impressed
the day she finally ride me in le test and find ah actually know it all already.
Ah do le most expressive flying change.
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‘Now,’ yell L’Uncle, give me foive flying changes of every leg’.
Ah start the first one, but it is such ‘ard work…
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Ah throw mahself on le ground to complete le flying changes in le ‘upside down position.
‘One, two, three’ ah am panting, this is hard work you know and ah am not too fit.
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‘four, five’ ah gasp.
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‘Down the center line at Oi in collected trot’
Ah can do this.
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‘Now halt, immobility and salute’ ‘e say.
Ah look for le good place to ‘alt and salute.
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Ah finally find le right spot right be’ind L’Uncle.
Ah give le flying salute accompanied by a resounding fart before galloping away.
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Clearly ah am going to be le brilliant dressage ‘orze.
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