Pronunciation problems…

Le Uncle and ah over ‘ear Muzzerr talking to Uzzerr Muzzerr.
‘My Son this and My Son that’ she say, ‘Bleuh bleuh bleuh’
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As usual ah am in big trouble with Muzzerr.
Apparently, ah am spending far too much time farting with Le Uncle.
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Muzzerr say le farting ‘as got to stop.
Le Uncle say ‘e teach me valuable farting skills.
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Of course, ‘e teach me nothing. Tis ah ‘oo teach ‘im.
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Ah ‘ave been come so expertise in le Spinach Walk,
ah am sought after all over le paddock in ordeur to teach it.
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Le Uncle tell me ah am le best ‘e ‘as eveur seen.
At least ah assume that is what ‘e say.
Eet was all in Australian which, of course ah do not understand.
Nobody understand Australian.
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For being such an ‘onest ‘orze,  ah decide to anoint ‘im with Slobbeur.
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‘ere you go Le Uncle’, ah say, as ah am working up a gobfull
of Le Slobbeur to anoint ‘im with.
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”ang on Le Uncle’, ah mumble as ah try to get close enough to dab eet on ‘im.
‘e does not seem all that keen so ah wondeur eef ah should spit eet on ‘im instead.
Le Dalai Llama next door lark to spit all oveur everyone.
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ah decide to trot after ‘im and dab slobbeur all over ‘is backside.
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Ah cannot understand why ‘e will not stand still while ah bestow this blessing upon ‘im.
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‘Wait, Le Uncle’ ah say and ah try to stop ‘im.
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But ‘e ees off.
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Faster and faster ‘e go. ‘E ees quite a fast ‘orze for a ‘orze ‘oo ees about 100 years old.
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Ah gallop after ‘im and Muzzerr gallop after me.
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Le Uncle and ah go around een a big circle. Muzzerr ees left be’ind.
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Suddenly Le Uncle turn and face me.
‘e tell me ah am a total Tosser so naturally, ah correct ‘im.
‘Ah am la Tosseur Le Uncle’ ah say.
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‘that’s what oi said’ ‘e insist, ‘a hairy leedle tosser’.
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‘Tosseur’! ah shout.
‘I’m no tosser’ ‘e yell back and ‘e jump up and down so ah jump up and down
and we are bouncing up and down ‘igher and ‘igher.
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Pretty soon, there was nothing left to do but ‘ave a beeg fart.
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The Uzzerr Muzzerr walk into le paddock so we all stand around and
play ‘Doing Nuzzing’.IMG_7325

 

Someone is Full of Crêpes

Le Uncle and ah ‘ad le important discussion about Crêpes today.
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‘HOLY CRAP!’ yell Le Uncle when ah bounce out of le trees and surprise ‘im.
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‘Fair suck of the sav, you shouldn’t do that’, ‘e say.
‘Ow can ‘e mistake me for that ‘orze ah wonder,
‘e ees clearly full of Crêpes ah think to mahself.
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‘Mah name ees not Fair Suckovasav Le Uncle,
you must be thinking of le Russian ‘orze down le road’.
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‘Crikey’ say Le Uncle, ‘what are on about now’.
But ah am thinking only about being mistaken for Fair Sukovasav .
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‘Comeorn ya leedle Tossa’ yell Le Uncle, ‘eets justan expression’.
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‘Do not call me Fair Suckovasav ,’ ah yell.
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Le Uncle try to soothe me but eet ees too late.
Ah am, to put eet een Uzzerr Muzzrerr’s words, le ‘very upset young man’.
‘Le Russian ‘orze, Fair Suckovasav, ‘e ees le fat ugly ‘orze,’ ah sob.
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‘Maaaate,’ say Le Uncle, bu ‘e ees speaking in Australian and ah,
being french, of course, ah do not understand a word of what ‘e say.
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‘ow could you mistake ‘im for me’ ah sniff.
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Le Uncle start yapping on in Australian about not knowing any Fair Suckovasav
but ah know crepes when ah ‘ear eet so ah tell ‘im.
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‘You are full of le crepes, Le Uncle’, ah say.
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‘On and on you go,  crêpesing on een le Australian about all sorts of stupeed Crêpes’,
ah continue.
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‘Mate’, say Le Uncle,
‘You might want to learn the difference between a Crêpes and a crap‘.
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‘Do you even know the difference’? he say.
There is la difference? ah think but
ah keep mah lips sealed.
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Shadow Puppets and Lectures

Today ah try to put on a shadow puppet show but Le Uncle will not stay still.IMG_6882

Ah decide to pretend ah am ‘im. Ah do mah ‘Old Man’ Impression.
Ah do this be’ind ‘im so ‘e can not see me of course.
Ah mince along with mah ‘Old Man Face’.
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Some’ow Le Uncle notice me and  ‘e give me a bollocking.
Then Muzzerr look up and tell me to ‘Pull Mah ‘ead in’.
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So ah do.
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But ah still ‘ave to apologise.
Ah am sorry Le Uncle’ ah say but mah ‘ooves are crossed.
Ah am not really sorry. Eh eh eh.
Le Uncle decide to punish me with a lecture.
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On and on ‘e go in Australian.
Something about ‘airy Leedle Tossas and firing up les barbeques.
Ah am almost asleep with boredom.
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Suddenly, ah wake with a start and realise ‘e ‘as been lecturing me for about 2 weeks.
Ah still ‘ave no idea what ‘e ees on about.
Ah do not understand Australian, ah do not think anyone does.
‘Ave you finished yet Le Uncle?’ ah whisper,’ah am starving’.
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Then, Quelle ‘orreur, ‘e bite me!
‘You did not hear a word I said deed ya?’ ‘e yell.
‘ow did ‘e know?
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‘Ah am sorry Le Uncle, ah listen to everything and ah  learn a ‘uge amount all about Australia’.
Ah am making eet up as ah go but ‘e believe me and suddenly ‘e agree to play a game of ”Ad eet up to ‘ere’
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As usual, Muzzerr does not approve but she ‘as mud on ‘er face so we do not care what she think.
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‘MUZZERR,’ ah am shouting now, ‘AS ‘AD EET UP TO ‘ERE!’
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Then we ‘ave a race around le paddock. Of course Le Uncle ees le Old Man
so ah ‘ave to slow mahself right down so ‘e can catch up.
Le Uncle, ‘e go about le speed of la Roosting Pullet.
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When we stop, Le Uncle starts quaffing on about what ‘e did when ‘e was a colt.
Ah wonder why Uzzerr Muzzerr does not ‘av ‘er ‘ooves trimmed when we do.
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