It is good to be ‘ome, UzzMuzz can not stop kissing me every chance she get.
Ah do not mind.
Ah understand that ah am l’extremely kissable young man.
Ah stand by le fence and wait for ‘er to rush out with le kiss.

This moaning, we get up early and go for le ‘ike with le good friend Bennoir.
Ah ‘ave to get L’impet organised because UzzMuzz ‘as no idea ‘ow to do it.

Finally, afteur much farting about, we are ready to gallop off.

We  ‘ike round le roadside and Benoir bounce about le bit but ah stay le cool and calm.
Attack birds, le tractor, le group of ‘orses, le barky dogs, le reindeer and le bull with le big ‘orns do not scare me.
When we get back, UzzMuzz exclaim – ‘He has not even broken a sweat!’
Respect.
Benoir and moi inspect le grass for l’azzards and while we are looking, we stuff le faces.

When we get back ah discoveur L’imbicile ‘as taken up L’opera song.
Muzzeur ‘as ‘ad enough.
“It is all in Italian, she moan, I have no idea what he is singing about”
Ah do not care, ah inspect l’ay bag to make sure ‘e ‘as not eaten it all.

“Do not worry Muzzeur,” ah say when ah ‘ave finished l’ay bag,
“ah am le world’s most ‘elpful little boy so ah will translart”.
We settle down to listen to L’ooveur. This will be le most boring afteurnoon eveur, ah am glad ah ‘ave all l’excitement this moaning.

Besard, ‘ow ‘ard can it be, everybody know Italian is English – backwards.
L’imbicile clear ‘is throat and begin …
“Bella siccome un angelo
in terra pellegrino.”
Quelle ‘orreur, this is awful.

“What is he saying whispeur Muzzeur?
Of course, ah ‘ave no idea so ah make it up.
“ah am l’imbicile with very little brain” ah say  – ah cannot ‘elp le smile as ah realise, Muzzeur, believe me.

‘e continue, as ‘e stare into Muzzeur’s eye with le sickening intensity.
Ah ‘ate ‘im…

“Fresca siccome il giglio
che s’apre in sul mattino.
Occhio che parla e ride,
sguardo che i cor conquide.
Chioma che vince l’ebano
sorriso incantator.
Sorriso incantator”.

“Of course what ‘e mean ‘ere”, ah explain,  “is
ah lark to fart and ah can canteur too.
‘e repeat le bit about le canteuring and farting several tarm”

Ah can gallope and fart ah think but ah am too polite to mention it.

“Alma innocente e candida,
che sé medesma ignora;
modestia impareggiabile,
dolcezza che innamora
ai miseri pietosa”

This is le most boring opera ah ‘ave eveur ‘eard.
Come to think of it, it is l’only opera ah ‘ave eveur ‘eard, ‘oweveur, in Muzzeur’s best interest ah continue to translart despart nearly dying of le boredom.
“‘e is now saying that ‘e lark to  tippy toe around in le show ring  so ‘e can showoff to all la girls – e sing about ‘ow much ‘e especially love la beige tart and ‘ow much she love ‘im” ah add, looking at ‘er from le corneur of le eye.
Ah can sense Muzzeur getting more and more le cross. eh eh eh.

“gentil, buona, amorosa.
Il ciel l’ha fatta nascere
per far beato un cor.
per far beato un cor.
Il ciel l’ha fatta nascere
per far beato un cor.”

Finally ‘e finish. Ah thought it would neveur end.
“What was that last bit about Son?”
“erm, something about ‘is present girlfriend ‘aving become fat and something about ‘er l’uge backsard.” ah sigh as if ah am sorry about this.
eh eh eh.

It is now tarm to tippy toe backward away from Muzzeurr before she explode all oveur le place.
eh eh eh.

It is le moaning of le graduation.
Of course ah pass with le flying coleurs.
Ah take UzzMuzz  out for le trek before we come ‘ome.
Ah am top of le class in every subject. Ah ‘ave certificates coming out l’ear’oles.

Ah pass le certificate of le Bravery on Le Beach with UzzMuzz no problem.

Now ah am home. It good to be back although as le most popular ‘orse in school, ah will miss all le friends and le parties.
”ALLO ‘ALLO’ ah yell, ’tis ah, Zephyr, back from le University’.

Muzzeur is besard ‘erself – ‘My Son’ she sniffle, ‘all grown up’.

‘Muzzeur’ ah say, ‘ah pass everything flying coleours’.
Then ah notice L’imbicile is still ‘ere. Quelle ‘oruor, Le day is ruined.

‘Aye ZEPHERRO’ ‘e shout. ‘How’s it going?’

Ah ignore ‘im. Ah ‘ave more important things to do than talk to ‘im.

‘So what did you learno?’ ‘e ask when ‘e finally catch up to me.
‘Nothing’ ah say.
‘But you were away for weeks’.
‘Ah party every nart and sleep most of le day’
Ah can tell ‘e is most impressed.
‘Ah ‘ave been kicked out for le bad be’aviour’ and then ah add; ‘le worst’.
Muzzeur turn to UzzMuzz ‘oo shrug and shake ‘er ‘ead..

‘What kind of bad behaviour are we talking about? say L’imbicile.

‘You name it’ ah say as ah stuff le mouth with l’ay, ‘ah did it’.

L’imbicile puff ‘imself up and take le deep breath;
‘There is only room for one bad boy in this paddock and as a member of a long established Grime Family that would be me’.

‘Whateveur’ ah say.

‘You have a problemo with that?’

‘Do this farce look botheured?’ ah mutteur into le ‘ay bag.
Ah ‘ave learned much about ‘andling uncouth L’imbicle lark ‘im while ah am away.

‘Good, I’m glad we got that settled’, ‘e say.

‘Talk to le ‘ay bag’ ah whispeur.
Le most popular boy is back.

It is Moanday Morning and ah am ‘ungoveur.
UzzMuzz arrives early and ah ‘ave to get out of bed.
‘God Moaning UzzMuzz’ ah croak.
Ah am not looking le best.

Mah yard ‘as become ‘Party Central’, everyone come ‘ere because of mah celebrity status.
Ah am le ‘orze to know. We ‘ave ‘orse Parties. ‘ZEPHYR IS IN DA ‘ORSE’ ah yell and le party begin.
Le new best friend ‘Derp’ is most impressed. This is ‘im, being impressed.

Le neighbour Neddy is le nosey parkeur and quite frankly eat too much cloveur and make le dicke of ‘imself.
“Are we partaying tonight? Are we? Are we?’ ‘e constantly at me.
Neitheur of them botheur to ‘elp me clean up after le party.

Ah did not botheur eitheur. It will give UzzMuzz something to do.
This is le ‘Not Botheured’ look.

It so packed in da ‘orse, noone notice when le Daily Llama turn up uninvited with la girls next door. Le Daily Llama is l’uge know-it-all.

‘Who the ‘ell invite le Daily Llama to le party?’ ah inquire ‘What le ‘ell.’
At least ‘e bring girls.

We party lark it narnteen narnty four, we ‘ave ‘orse music pumping and we all get so wasted on le cloveur and lucerne ‘ay nobody can remember what they did or what they said.
For some reason this moaning ah notice la girls next door are no longeur talking to me.
Ah blame  le Daily Llama.
‘Excuse moi Girls,’ ah murmeur as ah walk out with Monsieur RoarEee le next day, ‘ah am le working ‘orze now, ah work ‘ard and ah play ‘ard; to quote le Daily Llama,  ”your prime purpose is to wait in larn”.
Ah am pretty sure this what ‘e say.

Then, on le way to work,  ah notice le Daily Llama Quelle ‘orreur! ‘e look terrible.
Ah ‘ope ‘e does not notice me. Ah tippy toe past ‘im. Ah do not need any more of ‘is advarce.

UzzMuzz is still lecturing me as le Monsieur adjust le new limpet on mah back.
‘You are bleuh bleuh naughty boy bleuh party big mess bleuh’ she say. Or something lark that, ah do not listen, ah am wondering ‘ow many oats in le bag of chaff’.
Monsieur Roar Eee ‘elp le new Limpet  on to mah back. Ah must ‘ave worn out l’old Limpet.

Ah do not lark this Limpet. All l’air stand on end.

‘e is quickly wrestled to le ground and more experienced Limpet is ‘elped on to mah back.

This is more lark it

Le Daily Llama is being le big nosey parkeur so ah give ‘im something to watch.

‘e ‘as neveur seen anything lark it. Ah am defy gravity as well as UzzMuzz.

Then ah try out some new moves.
‘Quote this Daily Llama’ ah whoop.
Monsieur Roar Eee can not believe ‘is eyes, “watch and learn Monsieur’ ah yell.

Then ah remembeur something ah meant to ask le Daily Llama…
Ah stop what ah am doing immediately.

Ah ‘ave to ask ‘im, it will not wait. Everybody say ‘e know everything about everything.
‘Daily Llama’ ah say, ‘When you find le bag of oats and it ‘ave note that say ‘OPEN HERE’, what happen if you open it somewhere else?’