Waiting for Mah Noms – A singing session

Ah am a very groovy ‘orze.
Ah often sing  song ah make up lark thees one…
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‘Wild Thing, ah make mah heart sing…’
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‘hmmmm mmmm something about ‘andsome groovy little ‘orze, ah are mah only thing….’.
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Ah also quite lark Wild ‘orzes and Waiting for mah Noms…’
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‘Ah’m, waiting for mah Nom,
Got 26 plaits in mah  mane
Up to warp speed 125
feelin’ slick and (ah little bit – not too much as ah am french) dirty
for about 5 ‘ours
uh, I’m waiting for my Nom…hmmmm mmmmm
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Yeah yeah, ah’m waiting for mah NOM…
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‘ey old chestnut ‘orze, what you doin’ in mah field
Hey old chestnut ‘orze, you chasin’ les girls aroundIMG_1113

Pardon me Monsieur, it’s furthest from mah mind
I’m just waitin’ for mah feed on time
I’m waiting for mah Nom, come on..yeah yeah….
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‘ere she come, she all dressed in black
Uzzer Muzzer een a big straw ‘at
She’s never early, she always late
first thing ah learn is that ah always gotta wait
I’m waiting for my nom….
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Sometime ah really impress mahself.
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Nom Time

Every day ah wait and ah wait for mah Nom.
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This morning for example, ah am waiting at le gate at 4.30am.
Uzzerr Muzzerr does not turn up until 7am.
By then ah am weak and famished.
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Mah best friend Gollamb, ‘e notice ‘ow famished ah look.
‘You look like a famished horse to me,’ ‘e say when ah tell ‘im what to say.
‘Thank you Gollamb’, ah reply, ‘you look like a big Fatty Boombah to me’.
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Ah talk to Le Uncle about eet.
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At least ah intended to talk to Le Uncle about eet but then ah find mahself wondering eef ‘is teefs ‘ave fallen out yet.
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‘Le Uncle,’ ah say, ‘open your mouf, ah need to make sure your teef ‘ave not fallen out’.
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Le Uncle try to open ‘is mouf but eet seem to be stuck.
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‘is lips roll up and ah can see le teefs are all still parked in le same place.
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Ah go back to ‘oovering while Le Uncle still trying to open ‘is mouf.
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‘alf an ‘our go by and Le Uncle ‘e ees still trying to open ‘is mouf.
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‘Has he got it open yet?’ enquire Myrtle, ‘oo ees quite interested.
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Suddenly Le Good Sheep Lollypop inform me, Nom is on its way.
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Ah leave mine for later and go and ‘elp Le Uncle finish ‘is.
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‘Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘as sent me to ‘elp you eat your Nom.’ ah insist.
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‘Mate’, ‘e say, ‘You must be the world’s only living brain donor’.
Ah ‘ave to think about thees. Did someone donate mah brain?
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Ah start to wail, ‘ah ave not got a brain any more’ ah sob.
‘Someone give eet away’.
‘No, Maaate,’ ‘e say, ‘you’ve got the wrong end of the yard stick, what oi meant was  that you are about as useful as a one-legged horse in an arse kicking contest’
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Of course ah cheer up immensely at that. We practise ‘aving le ‘arse kicking’ contest.
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And then ah spot Le Uncle’s feed bouquet.
Eet need a good ‘oover and ah am ‘appy to oblige.
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‘Hang on a minute mate,’ ‘e yell, and then ‘e go
on and on something about a snake’s armpit
and a speedy galah but ah am too busy wondering eef
ah ‘old mah ‘ead about ‘ere and suck ‘ard enough whether
ah can suck le nom right out of le bouquet.
Ah take a big breath een. Le Uncle ees still lecturing away een Australian.
Ah suck and ah suck.
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And Le Uncle ‘as no idea what just ‘appen but le nom ‘as dissappeared.IMG_0874 IMG_0875

Le Leaking Sky

Today eet was cold and le sky leaked all over me.
Eet did not leak on Le Uncle because ‘e was dressed for eet.
Uzzerr Muzzerr rushed out just before le sky leakage, een a big panic and made ‘im wear ‘is rain coat.
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Of course ah am a big boy now ‘oo need no rain coat. Rain Coats are for le ‘orzes ‘oo are beeg ‘Pooftas’. Le Uncle told me that – before ‘e ‘ad to wear ‘is.
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Naturally,  thees ah point out to ‘im.
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And suddenly, through no fault of mah own, ah am een beeg trouble.
‘COME’ERE AND SAY THAT you Hairy Leetle Tossa’ Le Uncle roar.
Ah was about to point out that ah was just there but suddenly,  Le Uncle try to bite mah berm’.
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Le only thing ah can do ees run. Ah run as fast as ah can.
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Finally ah am out of le forest and into le open. Le Uncle will never catch me ‘ere.
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Next thing ah know, Le Uncle ees right een front of me, so naturally, ah decide to crash into ‘im to test le air bags een ‘is rain coat.
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But Quelle ‘orreur, there are no air bags and eet ‘urt!
Ah am really mad now.
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Le Uncle and ah fart eet out.
‘Where are your air bags Le Uncle?’ ah yell.
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‘E try to get away on me but ah ‘ang on to ‘is collar.
‘Show me your air bag’ ah yell.
We are ‘aving a big fart over le missing air bags.
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Suddenly ‘e stop and face me.
‘What tha bloody hell are you on about air bags son?’ ‘e ask.
‘Le Air Bags for when you ‘ave a crash’ ah say ‘Uzzer Muzzerr tell me all ‘elderlies’ should ‘ave them’.
Well that does eet, now ah am een for le big lecture.
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Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e ees trying to say because ‘e ees Australian and can not talk properly. So ah put on mah listening face but ah am thinking about why ‘e ‘ave big whiskers growing out of ‘is nose.
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On and on ‘e go.  ‘e probably giving me a lecture all about Drop Bears and Kangaroos. Ah ‘ave no idea but ‘e does ‘ave long whiskers.
Ah wonder eef ah should pull them out for ‘im.
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Suddenly Uzzer Muzzer come over and we decide to ask ‘er about le missing air bags.
All she want to know ees why we are farting so much.
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Apparently there ‘as been some kind of mistake.
Le Uncle does not wear air bags.
Ah wonder eef there are any Drop Bears ‘ere.
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