Every day ah wait and ah wait for mah Nom.
This morning for example, ah am waiting at le gate at 4.30am.
Uzzerr Muzzerr does not turn up until 7am.
By then ah am weak and famished.
Mah best friend Gollamb, ‘e notice ‘ow famished ah look.
‘You look like a famished horse to me,’ ‘e say when ah tell ‘im what to say.
‘Thank you Gollamb’, ah reply, ‘you look like a big Fatty Boombah to me’.
Ah talk to Le Uncle about eet.
At least ah intended to talk to Le Uncle about eet but then ah find mahself wondering eef ‘is teefs ‘ave fallen out yet.
‘Le Uncle,’ ah say, ‘open your mouf, ah need to make sure your teef ‘ave not fallen out’.
Le Uncle try to open ‘is mouf but eet seem to be stuck.
‘is lips roll up and ah can see le teefs are all still parked in le same place.
Ah go back to ‘oovering while Le Uncle still trying to open ‘is mouf.
‘alf an ‘our go by and Le Uncle ‘e ees still trying to open ‘is mouf.
‘Has he got it open yet?’ enquire Myrtle, ‘oo ees quite interested.
Suddenly Le Good Sheep Lollypop inform me, Nom is on its way.
Ah leave mine for later and go and ‘elp Le Uncle finish ‘is.
‘Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘as sent me to ‘elp you eat your Nom.’ ah insist.
‘Mate’, ‘e say, ‘You must be the world’s only living brain donor’.
Ah ‘ave to think about thees. Did someone donate mah brain?
Ah start to wail, ‘ah ave not got a brain any more’ ah sob.
‘Someone give eet away’.
‘No, Maaate,’ ‘e say, ‘you’ve got the wrong end of the yard stick, what oi meant was that you are about as useful as a one-legged horse in an arse kicking contest’
Of course ah cheer up immensely at that. We practise ‘aving le ‘arse kicking’ contest.
And then ah spot Le Uncle’s feed bouquet.
Eet need a good ‘oover and ah am ‘appy to oblige.
‘Hang on a minute mate,’ ‘e yell, and then ‘e go
on and on something about a snake’s armpit
and a speedy galah but ah am too busy wondering eef
ah ‘old mah ‘ead about ‘ere and suck ‘ard enough whether
ah can suck le nom right out of le bouquet.
Ah take a big breath een. Le Uncle ees still lecturing away een Australian.
Ah suck and ah suck.
And Le Uncle ‘as no idea what just ‘appen but le nom ‘as dissappeared.