Today Gollamb and ah decide to trick Le Uncle and Muzzerr ‘oo’ave been very boring lately. It was Gollamb’s idea. Except for le clever bits which were, of course,  my ideas.

Ah make sure Le Uncle eez busy doing somezing else.

‘Muzzerr’, ah zay, ‘Muzzerr…’

‘Yes Son, what is it now?’

‘Well,’ ah zay, ‘Le uncle attached a very small sheep to your undercarriage today’.
Of course Le Uncle did no such zing.

Of course at first she does not believe me.
‘Don’t be such a silly hairy little boy she say.
I wish she would stop calling me a ‘airy little boy’.

Myrtle is watching too and she eez giving me ‘er alarmed look.

“ah waz not believing ‘im too’ ah said, ‘but when
ah ‘ad a drink zere eez a very small sheeps ‘itching a ride’.

Well zat did le trick. Muzzerr check ‘er undercarriage for a small sheeps.

‘Goodness’ she said, ‘it’s not there, perhaps it fell off’.

Zen she did a strange zing. She zat down.

‘You zat on ‘im Muzzerr’ ah yelled.
Of course ah know she ‘as not but now she eez panicking.
She think she ‘az squashed le small sheeps.

Myrtle was ‘orrified.

And ah could not stop laughing.

‘eh eh eh, she thought she zat on a sheeps.

Of course nek minute Gollamb blabs and Muzzerr eez furious
wiz me and now ah am under stable arrest.

Eet eez raining and Le Uncle and Bedlamb and ah
ah shooting le breeze and telling jokes.

Ah tell le first joke.
‘A human walks into a smart stable.
The horse says: “Wait you can’t come in here without a carrot.”
‘Yeah, go on’ say Le Uncle.

Ah continue.
‘The human goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a bag of carrots.
He goes back in and says to the horse: “This alright?”
‘Crikey’ say Le Uncle, ‘A whole bag, that’s a fair suck of the sav’.

‘Zat eez not le joke part’, ah zay.
‘You’re right Son’, zay Le Uncle,
‘There is nothing funny about a bag of carrots, Carry on’.

But eet eez too late, ah ‘ave lost mah Mojo’
Besides, le sun ‘as come out and Uzzerr Muzzerr comes in to undress us.
She leave a ‘alter on le fence zo ah get eet for ‘er.
Ah am a ‘elpful sort of ‘orze.

‘‘Ere’, Uzzerr Muzzerr ah zay, ‘

And zen ah realise ah should probably not be so ‘elpful,
she will expect eet all le time.

Ah do not know what to do. Le rope eez in mah mouths already.

Zuddenly ah ‘ave a brilliant idea.
Ah am a brilliant ‘orze.

Ah swing le rope, ‘igher and ‘igher, ah am going to
rope le sun so eet will not go away ever again.

But instead, le rope attack me an ‘it me in le nose.
Ah drop le rope and ah need a cuddle.

‘You zee,’ yell mah Muzzerr, ‘What did I tell you about playing with ropes?
You are a naughty, hairy little boy’.

But ah am upset, ah ‘ave been attacked by a big rope through no fault of mah own

In future, ah will make sure zat mah Muzzerr’s big bottom eez
between me and any rope.

It was raining all day today zo I decided to surprise Uzzerr Muzzerr when she came to visit.

Ah ‘ave taken up le pipe smoking which ah feel gives me an air of Bourgeoisies more in fitting wiz a Lord of mah stature.
Besides, what eez a smoking jacket without someone inside eet ‘oo eez smoking?

‘Aha’, ah said, chewing the pipe wiz what ah felt waz an air of gentility.
‘Ow nice of you to pay a visit’.
Le Uzzerr ‘orses are taking me far more seriously now zat a smoke also.
Except for Muzzerr and Le Uncle.

‘What eez zat Uzzer Muzzerr, you do not like zis pipe?’
Uzzerr Muzzerr looked az though she about to collapse on le ground.

Zo naturally, ah put zat pipe away.
‘Do not paneec’, ah zaid, ‘all eez not lost Uzzerr Muzzerr’.

Uzzerr Muzzerr eez flapping ‘er arms around
like a windmill and texting someone on ‘er cell phone.
Ah sense ah am big trouble for some reason.

‘Calm down Uzzerr Muzzer’ ah zay, ‘zo you do not like zat pipe zat eez OK’.

‘For ah ‘ave another one – ‘ow does theez look?’

Mah Muzzerr marches over and tells me not to be such a Clown.

‘But ah am not being a Clown – zis eez being a Clown, Muzzerr,’ ah zay.

Ah am getting in to pulling le Clown faces.

All of a sudden Uzzerr Muzzerr shows mah Muzzerr le text message she ‘as written to le ‘orse expert Jenny Paterson…

Dear Jenny Paterson,

Imagine my surprise to find that Zephyr has taken up smoking –

I know it may be my fault in that I was responsible for buying him a smoking jacket but I did not think he’d take that seriously.

How can I stop him before he becomes a problem smoker?
He informs me that it makes him appear bourgeois and that other horses take him far more seriously now that he smokes.

Worried
Cathy

Ah realise now what le panic eez, she zink ah ‘ave developed a ‘abit.
‘What a ridiculous notion’, ah zay, ‘what a ridiculous notion.
Ah can stop whenever ah like’.
And ah give ‘er mah ‘You are a stupeed ‘uman’,  look.