L’Uncle spend Christmas day waffling on about when ‘e last visit Australia.

On and on ‘e go boring le sock off all of us.

‘So,’ say Muzzeur to L’Uncle, ‘Could you explain that one more time?’
I can not believe she ask ‘im that, now we will neveur ‘ear le end of it.

‘Muzzeur,’ ah reply, ‘you do not want to ‘ear anything about L’Uncle’s trip to Australia, do not encourage ‘im,  if you do, we will all ‘ave to sit through all ‘is boring stories’.

Unfortunately, ah did not realise L’Uncle ‘eard me.
‘So you theenk oi am boring?’ ‘e roar.

‘Oil give you boring moi son,’ ‘e yell.

Ah am bored already. It does not take much to bore me because ah am french.

‘Ya beeg beige Tossa,’ ‘e continue.

‘Are you referring to me?’ ah ask.

‘Because if you are…’

‘Oi don’t see any other beeg hairy Tossas about moi son, do you?’.

‘The word is TOSSEUR’ ah point out to ‘im once again.

‘Do you even know what a Tossa ees?’ ‘e sneer.

Ah ‘ave to admit ah do not, ‘oweveur, given that it seem to apply to me ah am guessing it must be referring to le Illuminati so ah tell ‘im ah know exactly what it mean.

‘Oi don’t theenk ya do moi son, oi don’t theenk you’ve got a clue’ ‘e whisper in mah ear. Mah ear is ringing from so much Australian at point blanc range.

‘Illuminati’ ah whisper back to ‘im.

‘e stop and think about that for le bit.

Then we notice Muzzeur is once again posing for le camera.

So naturally, ah decide to pull stupeed le face in le background.

L’Uncle can not resist ruining Muzzeur’s photo shoots, ‘e egg me on’.
She must be posing for le Vague magazine.

Ah need no encouragement to make beeg fart noises with mah tongue.

L’Uncle join in and we see ‘oo can make le loudest fart noises.

Finally Muzzeur start to get cross. Soon we will be in le big trouble.

Luckily, L’Uncle ‘as a cunning plan.
We both turn and look le other way so when Muzzeur turn around she will think le noise come from Le Motorbikes far away.
It is an exceptionally cunning plan even if ah did not think of it mahself.

Ah ‘ave been busy lately.
Le usual stuff, being le ‘elpful boy as usual.
Ah also turn le two year old last month.

‘Ah am le 2 year old L’Uncle’ ah say, ‘now ah am ready to take oveur your role as le ‘Paddock Boss’.

Ah simply can not believe mah ears when ‘e tell me to ‘pees orf’.

Of course, ‘e say it in Australian so ah may not ‘ave ‘eard that quite right.

So ah decide to sleep on it.

Ah ‘ave le brilliant ideas when ah am asleep.

Uzzeur Muzzeur, she come and crouch down beside me, she smile at me so ah smile back.
Ah am le polite young man.

She is still there when ah open mah eye.
Ah keep smiling but ah am ‘oping she will go away and leave me alone.

Ah turn oveur and think about all le world’s great problems.

Le most worrying one is le world wide carrot shortage.
Clearly there is one for ah ‘ave not seen le carrot in about a week.

Mmmmmmmmmm carrots.