Ah ‘ave been promoted to position of Paddock Customs Inspecteur.
Uzzerr Muzzerr congratulate me for being such a clever boy.

She found a branch and wave eet at me. Ah assume she about to make me Branch Manager also. Of course ah a’ve to turn this down as ah am too busy already.

Then we ‘ad a little talk.
Ah ‘ave no idea what she on about, something about a
‘clever and ‘andsome little boy’ blah blah but as usual she go on and on and on.

Then she kiss me

So naturally, being french,  ah kiss ‘er back.

And le next thing ah know she ‘ugging me and kissing me and ah am quite embarrassed.
Ah am far too old now to be kissed and ‘ugged by Uzzerr Muzzerr.

Then eet ees time for me to go to work.
Ah spy le first suspect trying to cross into le paddock border, so ah rush to stop ‘im.

‘Excusez-moi Monsieur’ ah say, ‘old out your ‘and that ah may inspect eet’.

Of course, ‘e does as ‘e ees told and ah am able to discern
that there ‘as been a carrot een this ‘and up to ‘alf an hour before now.

‘Ah am sorry Monsieur’ ah say, but ah can not let you pass
without a complete and thorough inspection.

Ah continue.
”Eet ‘as come to mah attention that you may be trying to
enter le paddock with le carrots on your person, where are they now?’
‘e deny all knowledge of such thing as ah knew ‘e would.

All of a sudden, ah spot le contraband.
‘AHA!’ ah yell triumphantly.

‘Monsieur, what ees this?’

‘E ees a shifty character.
‘What, this?’ ‘e say, ‘it is nothing’.

And ‘e rustle eet about but ah am ready for le carrots to drop out at any moment.

Ah quickly and efficiently confiscate all 5 carrots.
‘Let that be a lesson to you’ ah say. ‘Do not try to ‘ide your carrots from me’.

Of course Uzzerr Muzzerr saw eet all unfold.

She commend me for mah bravery.

But ah am a modest ‘orze. Ah do not mind posing for le picture
even eef Uzzerr Muzzerr ees doing le Photo Bomb.

When Uzzerr Muzzerr and mah Dad finally got to le paddock with noms
this morning, ah ‘ad ‘oped they would settle an argument that ‘as
been raging all through le night.

Ah explain to Uzzerr Muzzerr about Le Uncle and Monsieur Patterson
‘oo are een love with Les Girls next door.

Even le old ‘airy Les girl make (as Muzzerr say) ‘le boys be’ave
lark a sack full of rabbits’.

‘Ahhhh’ sigh Monsieur Patterson. ‘Dose Golden Goils’.

‘They’re not golden’ yell Muzzerr.

‘I think you’ll find they are’ say Le Uncle.

Muzzerr look over at les girls.
‘They are no more golden than your crap’ she say.

‘Come on now Merl,’ say Le Uncle, ‘no need to get a bit cranky over it’.
She ‘ate eet when ‘e call ‘er Merl.

‘I’m just saying’ Muzzerr is shouting now,
‘those girls are not golden’.

‘Well what would you call them?’ Le Uncle ask.

‘BEIGE’ sneer Muzzerr. ‘They are BEIGE’.

That made Le Uncle take a second look. ‘Beige you reckon?’ ‘e say.

‘Yes’ smirk Muzzerr, ‘Plain BEIGE’.

‘Well,’ say Le Uncle, ‘I don’t think there is a BEIGE class at the local A & P show’.

‘Exactly’ say Muzzerr, ‘Beige is not a colour that should be allowed out anywhere’.

‘I dunno, Merl’, say Le Uncle, ‘what about Palomino?’

‘PALOMINO MY ARSE,’ Muzzerr is really getting wound up now.

‘Those TROLLOPS are B.E.I.G.E.‘

‘Well then,’ said Le Uncle finally, ‘what’s that make Zephyr then?’

Muzzerr turn and stare at me for a long moment.

Then she look back at Les Girls.
Mah Dad ees trying to make me laugh. I refuse. Eet ees not funny.

Les Girls are waiting expectantly.

Then Muzzerr realise, Le Uncle ‘as won again.

Stuff ‘appen ‘ere but luckily ah am on and to ‘elp out.

Le trees were rocking about making a lot of noise and le sky grumble about eet a lot.

They make so much noise none of us can sleep.

When le sky finish with le grumbling, someone turn on le lights,
and turn them off again and then on again.

Le next day, when ah ask Monsieur Paterson about all this noise,
‘e tell me le trees were up all night ‘on da plonk’.

And sure enough we see a bunch of trees ‘ave decided
they ‘ad enough – they all lie down for a nap.
‘Dey is plastered’ say Monsieur Paterson ‘oo know about such things.

Most of them stay like that le next day too.

‘Aye’ said Monsieur Paterson, ‘dose trees partied hard, got bolloxed and now would you look at dem.’
Then ‘e add, ‘Let dat be a lesson to yer son’.

Ah make le mistake of telling Muzzerr about mah lesson le next day, over le drink.

‘Muzzerr,’ ah say, ‘do not drink too much or you will get bolloxed and need a lie down ‘

‘What are you on about Son?’ she say,
‘that sounds like something Danny Boy Paterson would make up’.
Muzzerr does not look ‘appy about thees so ah regret mentioning eet.

Then she go on and on about Monsieur Paterson and ‘ow ‘e tell stories and drink too much.
But ah ‘ave lost interest in what she say and ah discover that eef ah pull
le trough with mah teefs le water slosh everywhere.

Then, ah see Uzzerr Muzzerr approach at speed so ah ‘ide be’ind Muzzerr.
Noone can see me ‘ere.

Only because Uzzerr muzzerr ees not too bright, ah do not stay ‘idden
for too long in case she panic and theenk ah a’ve gone on le plonk with le trees.
”ere ah am Uzzerr Muzzerr’ ah say, popping out from be’ind Muzzerr’s big bottom.
She look so ‘appy to see me, ah assume eet ees because ah am not bolloxed.

So ah take ‘er for a walk to look at all le bolloxed trees.