A Decorated War ‘ero

Ah am a Champion ‘orze. A decorated War ‘ero.
Ah am decorated wiz awards for mah bravery
and mah dedication in the farce of all odds.
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Zo ah tell Gollamb when we got home
And Gollamb iz terribly impressed.
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For a start ah won an award for Le Battle of Wounded Knee –
Bravery under Wire.
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Gollamb and Myrtle can not believe their ears – they now know a decorated War ‘ero.
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Mah Uzzerr Muzzerr and ah paraded togezzer.
Unfortunately mah Muzzerr insisted on following us.
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Muzzerr iz zo embarrassing ah ‘ad to pretend she waz not there.
“‘Oo iz zat rude ‘orze be’ind me all le time,” ah zay.
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Well you were, Muzzerr, screaming at me “’ad ah cleaned mah teeths?”
in le middle of la parade.
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‘ow many decorated War ‘eros ‘ave their Muzzerrs asking awkward questions
in front of everyone like zat?
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Even Gollamb was Gobsmacked when ah told ‘im about zat.
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‘is Muzzerr iz embarrassing enough but even she would not do zat.
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Next ah won le Ribbon for Distinguished Flying ‘orse –
ah flew across le parade grounds faster zan a speeding pullet and more distinguished zan Lambo Gini.
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What are you look at me like zat for Muslamb? Ah AM telling le truths.
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Anyway, to continue, ah won le Ribbon for Conspicuous Gollambtree
in allowing Uzzerr Muzzer to accompany me.
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Yes Gollamb, CONSPICUOUS GOLLAMBTREE.
Gollamb iz very impressed to hear zat. Ah can tell.
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And finally ah won Le Order of Le Bath for enduring one yesterday.
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Islamb, Muslamb and even Gollamb’s Aunty GoodSheep did a double take at zat.
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‘Come on then son’, zaid Bedlamb, ‘Show us your Awards then’.
‘e did not believe me.
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‘e gets zis look in ‘is eye when ‘e does not believe zumzing ah zay.
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Zo ah put zem all on and wander about and zat shut ‘im up.
‘‘ere,’ ah zay, ‘oo iz le War ‘ero now?’
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Zen muzzerr she ‘ave to put ‘er big nose in.
‘For goodness sake, tell the truth, Zephyr’ she zay.
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‘Come on Son,the truth now’ zay Le Uncle,
‘Let’s have it – Your Mother surely did not embarrass herself like that – did she?’.
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‘But ah am telling le truths’ ah zay, ‘and ah ‘ad cleaned mah teeths’ ah am still showing off mah awards.
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Zen ah put mah ‘ead down and ‘elp Muzzerr wiz la
‘oovering in case she ‘ave anyzing else to zay, but ‘er gob iz filled wiz ‘ay.
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Just between you and me, ah ‘ave no idea what all mah awards are for.
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Water Torture!

Quelle ‘orreour! Annus ‘orribilis and every other ‘orribilis.
Today our game of ‘‘ad it up to ‘ere’ was rudely interrupted.
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And ah was dragged off and subjected to Water Torture.
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Just between you and me, ah would ‘ave told Uzzerr Muzzerr
everyzing she needed to know wizout ‘aving to be tortured in zis ‘orrific fashion.
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Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘osed mah legs first but she got no information out of zem.
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Zen, as she reached into a bucket for anuzzer instrument of torture,
ah thought to mahself…shall ah bite ‘er enormous bottom and make good mah escape?
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But she was too quick, she spun around before ah could do anyzing.
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And she applied Le Damp Sponge.
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And zat iz when ah told ‘er everyzing ah know.
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‘Le Uncle iz still seeing la girls next door’ ah zaid.
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And zat bit of information earned me a big cuddle and ah kiss. Why did ah not make zumzing up earlier?
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Ah am told zat tomorrow Muzzerr and ah are going in a beauty pageant.
No war ‘orze ever ‘ad to endure such a zing! and ah am to be on mah best be’aviour,
Ah don’t ZINK zo.
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A Hairy little Bum Biter

Le Uncle ‘as a new name for me.
It iz Yahairy Liddlebumbita.
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I think it must be an old Jewish Italian name. ‘e call me this every time ah go near ‘im.
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‘Peesoff Yahairy Liddlebumbita’ ‘e zay.
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You ‘ave clearly mistaken me for some great Jewish/Italian War ‘orze ah zay
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Mah name iz not ‘Yahairy Liddlebumbita’ Le Uncle.
‘e z getting old, old ‘orzes like ‘im forget stuff all le time.
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‘OH really?’ ‘e zay, breathing ‘iz old ‘orze breath all over me.
‘You could have fooled me son’
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I remind ‘im zat ah did fool ‘im.IMG_9331

‘It iz ah, Lord LubbaDuck’ ah zay. Ah get mistaken for a war ‘orze all le time.
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Zen we play a quick game of ‘Ad it up to ‘ere’.
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And zen le Uncle teaches me ‘ow to swear in Australian
Ah will impress Gollamb later. We like to compare swear words.
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Le Uncle teach me ‘ow to zay ’youseful asanarzhol onanelbow’.
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‘Son’, ‘e zay, ‘you can say that to any of the sheep because it’s true’.
Zen ‘e add, ‘don’t ever say it to your Mother, son, never ever say that to your Mother’.
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‘What else’, Le Uncle ah zay, ah am now a diligent student of ‘igher learning.
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‘Well’, he say, ‘you could tell Moulamb Rouge she has a face like a cats arse’
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‘Aficeloike acat sarse’ ah zay and ah wonder what it means.
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Ah decide to ask Le Uncle about a Sarse, ‘‘as Madame Possovitz got one?’ ah ask.
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‘You might want to ask her to show it to you one day son’ ‘e reply.
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‘What about aficeloike” ah ask but ‘e ‘as gone all quiet’.
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Zo ah sneak round…
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And ah pull ‘is tail.  ‘e ‘ates it when do siz.
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Zuddenly it iz all on. We are practicing to be war ‘orzes .
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Ah am going to join le Italian ‘army.
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‘Ah am Yahairy Liddlebumbita ah yell.
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There is no stopping Yahairy Liddlebumbita.
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Ah ‘ide be’ind a tree and wait for Le Uncle to come past and zen ah ambush ‘im.
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Faster zan a speeding pullet ah fly up behind ‘im…
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‘Crikey’ zay Le Uncle, ‘You are more fierce than a bag of chaff’
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