Ah am a Champion ‘orze. A decorated War ‘ero.
Ah am decorated wiz awards for mah bravery
and mah dedication in the farce of all odds.

Zo ah tell Gollamb when we got home
And Gollamb iz terribly impressed.

For a start ah won an award for Le Battle of Wounded Knee –
Bravery under Wire.

Gollamb and Myrtle can not believe their ears – they now know a decorated War ‘ero.

Mah Uzzerr Muzzerr and ah paraded togezzer.
Unfortunately mah Muzzerr insisted on following us.

Muzzerr iz zo embarrassing ah ‘ad to pretend she waz not there.
“‘Oo iz zat rude ‘orze be’ind me all le time,” ah zay.

Well you were, Muzzerr, screaming at me “’ad ah cleaned mah teeths?”
in le middle of la parade.

‘ow many decorated War ‘eros ‘ave their Muzzerrs asking awkward questions
in front of everyone like zat?

Even Gollamb was Gobsmacked when ah told ‘im about zat.

‘is Muzzerr iz embarrassing enough but even she would not do zat.

Next ah won le Ribbon for Distinguished Flying ‘orse –
ah flew across le parade grounds faster zan a speeding pullet and more distinguished zan Lambo Gini.

What are you look at me like zat for Muslamb? Ah AM telling le truths.

Anyway, to continue, ah won le Ribbon for Conspicuous Gollambtree
in allowing Uzzerr Muzzer to accompany me.

Yes Gollamb, CONSPICUOUS GOLLAMBTREE.
Gollamb iz very impressed to hear zat. Ah can tell.

And finally ah won Le Order of Le Bath for enduring one yesterday.

Islamb, Muslamb and even Gollamb’s Aunty GoodSheep did a double take at zat.

‘Come on then son’, zaid Bedlamb, ‘Show us your Awards then’.
‘e did not believe me.

‘e gets zis look in ‘is eye when ‘e does not believe zumzing ah zay.

Zo ah put zem all on and wander about and zat shut ‘im up.
‘‘ere,’ ah zay, ‘oo iz le War ‘ero now?’

Zen muzzerr she ‘ave to put ‘er big nose in.
‘For goodness sake, tell the truth, Zephyr’ she zay.

‘Come on Son,the truth now’ zay Le Uncle,
‘Let’s have it – Your Mother surely did not embarrass herself like that – did she?’.

‘But ah am telling le truths’ ah zay, ‘and ah ‘ad cleaned mah teeths’ ah am still showing off mah awards.

Zen ah put mah ‘ead down and ‘elp Muzzerr wiz la
‘oovering in case she ‘ave anyzing else to zay, but ‘er gob iz filled wiz ‘ay.

Just between you and me, ah ‘ave no idea what all mah awards are for.

Quelle ‘orreour! Annus ‘orribilis and every other ‘orribilis.
Today our game of ‘‘ad it up to ‘ere’ was rudely interrupted.

And ah was dragged off and subjected to Water Torture.

Just between you and me, ah would ‘ave told Uzzerr Muzzerr
everyzing she needed to know wizout ‘aving to be tortured in zis ‘orrific fashion.

Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘osed mah legs first but she got no information out of zem.

Zen, as she reached into a bucket for anuzzer instrument of torture,
ah thought to mahself…shall ah bite ‘er enormous bottom and make good mah escape?

But she was too quick, she spun around before ah could do anyzing.

And she applied Le Damp Sponge.

And zat iz when ah told ‘er everyzing ah know.

‘Le Uncle iz still seeing la girls next door’ ah zaid.

And zat bit of information earned me a big cuddle and ah kiss. Why did ah not make zumzing up earlier?

Ah am told zat tomorrow Muzzerr and ah are going in a beauty pageant.
No war ‘orze ever ‘ad to endure such a zing! and ah am to be on mah best be’aviour,
Ah don’t ZINK zo.

Le Uncle ‘as a new name for me.
It iz Yahairy Liddlebumbita.

I think it must be an old Jewish Italian name. ‘e call me this every time ah go near ‘im.

‘Peesoff Yahairy Liddlebumbita’ ‘e zay.

You ‘ave clearly mistaken me for some great Jewish/Italian War ‘orze ah zay

Mah name iz not ‘Yahairy Liddlebumbita’ Le Uncle.
‘e z getting old, old ‘orzes like ‘im forget stuff all le time.

‘OH really?’ ‘e zay, breathing ‘iz old ‘orze breath all over me.
‘You could have fooled me son’

I remind ‘im zat ah did fool ‘im.

‘It iz ah, Lord LubbaDuck’ ah zay. Ah get mistaken for a war ‘orze all le time.

Zen we play a quick game of ‘Ad it up to ‘ere’.

And zen le Uncle teaches me ‘ow to swear in Australian
Ah will impress Gollamb later. We like to compare swear words.

Le Uncle teach me ‘ow to zay ’youseful asanarzhol onanelbow’.

‘Son’, ‘e zay, ‘you can say that to any of the sheep because it’s true’.
Zen ‘e add, ‘don’t ever say it to your Mother, son, never ever say that to your Mother’.

‘What else’, Le Uncle ah zay, ah am now a diligent student of ‘igher learning.

‘Well’, he say, ‘you could tell Moulamb Rouge she has a face like a cats arse’

‘Aficeloike acat sarse’ ah zay and ah wonder what it means.

Ah decide to ask Le Uncle about a Sarse, ‘‘as Madame Possovitz got one?’ ah ask.

‘You might want to ask her to show it to you one day son’ ‘e reply.

‘What about aficeloike” ah ask but ‘e ‘as gone all quiet’.

Zo ah sneak round…

And ah pull ‘is tail.  ‘e ‘ates it when do siz.

Zuddenly it iz all on. We are practicing to be war ‘orzes .

Ah am going to join le Italian ‘army.

‘Ah am Yahairy Liddlebumbita ah yell.

There is no stopping Yahairy Liddlebumbita.

Ah ‘ide be’ind a tree and wait for Le Uncle to come past and zen ah ambush ‘im.

Faster zan a speeding pullet ah fly up behind ‘im…

‘Crikey’ zay Le Uncle, ‘You are more fierce than a bag of chaff’