Eet ees ‘ugely exciting here today.
Les Girls ‘ave arrived next door.

Of course, Muzzerr and ah ‘urry over to say ‘allo.

Ah am very keen to meet Les Girls now that ah am no longer a ‘airy little boy.
Ah was just a baby ‘orze when ah last saw them.
Muzzerr ees ‘urrying over to try to make sure ah do not spend too much time getting to know ‘the likes of them’.

Muzzerr is not ‘appy as La Fat Blonde Trolloppe (according to Muzzerr) ees Le Uncle’s old girlfriend.
‘She will eat you up’ say Muzzerr.

We all watch Les Girls arrival.
Ah see La ‘Fat Blonde Trollope’ and I am not too worried, she look like she already eaten some uzzerr little boy.

They are very glamorous and they dance le Cancan and ah am terribly impressed. ‘Are they Show Girls Le Uncle?’ ah ask.

‘Crikey’ say Le Uncle, ‘You’d have to ask them that’.
‘e can barely talk ‘e so excited.

And that ees when all le trouble started.
‘My boy is having NOTHING to do with those Trolloppes’ shrieked Muzzerr
so you two old Perverts can stop encouraging him!’.
And she stamp ‘er ‘ooves. Ah ‘ad no idea Le Uncle and Monsieur Danny Boy were Perverts. Ah ‘ave no idea what perverts are. Ah decide ah would like to be one when ah grow up.

We all ignore Muzzerr, besides Les Girls are kicking their ‘ooves up and tossing their manes about.
Le Uncle say they are part of a Muzzerr and Daughter dance troupe.
Le Fat BlondeTrolloppe’s Muzzerr ees very old and grumpy ‘e say.
She do not look old and grumpy to me.
Muzzerr on le other ‘and…

Le more Les Girls kick their ‘ooves up, le more grumpy Muzzerr ees getting.

Then Monsieur Danny Boy start dancing around showing off.

‘Ow can ah impress Les Girls ah think.
Ah disengage mah ‘indquarters.
That should do eet ah think. Uzzerr Muzzerr gets very excited when ah do that.

Le Uncle ‘ee ees depressed that La Fat Blonde Trolloppe
ees accompanied by ‘er Muzzerr  ‘oo ‘ates ‘little Ausie Blighters’ like ‘im.

Fortunately, ah am FRENCH.
Ah rush over to introduce to myself to ‘er ‘oo ‘ates Australian blokes.

Monsieur Danny Boy, ‘e parading round ‘like a Pimp on a mission’ Muzzerr say.
‘e does ‘ave le big white ‘airy coat and an attitude.IMG_6844

Of course eet ees difficult for me to get near Les Girls with Muzzerr’s big bottom in le way all le time.
She so mad ah suspect she about to release some chemical weapon anytime now. We try to get away from ‘er rear end.

Ah try to warn Le Uncle, Ah tell ‘im to ‘buggeur off’.
That ees French for ‘please be so kind as to go away’.
Monsieur Danny ‘as ‘is ‘ead stuck in le fence watching Les Girls.

Ah can see why.

Finally they stop dancing and start ‘oovering le paddock.
Ah simply cannot believe that dancing girls like them spend any time at all ‘oovering.
Ah strongly suspect la release of le chemical weapon.
Ah shall ‘ave to inspect Muzzerr’s undercarriage later.

A convenient TENS Unit

Monsieur Danny ‘as taught me  about new type of therapy which use small electric pulses to ease le pain of arthritis. Of course, ah ‘ave no pain of arthritis but eet does feel good.
Eet involves using a unit ah call a TENS machine and miles of electric tape,
all of which Uzzerr Muzzerr kindly supplied.

Le Uncle, ‘e ees le skeptical ‘orze.
‘Yeah but,’ ‘e say, ‘You will eventually get a beeg shock, mate’.

What would ‘e know. Ah can not be shocked by anyzing.
‘e ees full of Yeah Buts. Ah do not listen to ‘im any more.

La petit electric pulses feel good all over mah back.

‘B’jaysus’ say Monsieur Danny, ‘da boy is good’.
Monsieur Danny was le ‘orze ‘oo was kind enough to teach me all about le TENS therapy’. Learning about le pulses ees also useful for getting out of le paddock and going visiting.

Ah see Uzzerr Muzzerr approaching and she does not look ‘appy for some reason.
Ah am sensing a bollocking for some reason only she know.

‘Crikey’ say Le Uncle, ‘I wouldn’t do that eef I was you’.

Ah do not listen to ‘im. Instead ah turn around and apply le TENS tape to mah rump.

Uzzerr Muzzerr ees getting closer now.
She ees jumping up and down and shouting at me.
Ah ‘ave no idea what she ees on about.
‘Huh? Muzzerr, what ees this you say?’

Ah wonder eef ah should show ‘er ‘ow to use mah TENS unit.
Eet ees good also for stress apparently.

Ah decide to show ‘er ‘ow strong ah ‘ave become.
Ah know ‘ow impressed she will be with me when she see me lift
le fence pole right up out of le ground and stride out of le tape yard.
After mah TENS therapy ah am feeling amazingly full of vim and vigour.

Le Uncle, ee ees well impressed.

Monsieur Danny Boy ees worried about Uzzerr Muzzerr for some reason.
‘Come on lads,’ ‘e say, ’tis time for Elevenses so it is’.

We ‘ave done TENS and now we are about t do ELEVENses now!
Ah am very excited to learn about this.
So we all gallop off and leave Uzzerr Muzzerr and
Muzzerr wondering what ees going on.

We are le paddock bad boys and ah am enjoying mahself immensely.

An Astonishingly Handsome & Intelligent little Boy

Ah am ah astonishingly intelligent and ‘andsome little boy.

‘Look at that astonishingly intelligent, and ‘andsome little boy’ say Uzzerr Muzzerr when she come to see us at last.
‘Ah wonder ‘oo ‘e ees’ she say.
Of course, eet ees me, but ah do not like to brag.

Not everyone can look this astonishingly intelligent and ‘andsome
with a mouthful of noms.

Monsieur  Danny Boy ‘ave other talent – for instance,  ‘e ees astonishingly ‘airy.

Ah am not so ‘airy.
Muzzerr, she ees not ‘airy at all but she does ‘ave le enormous bottom.

Ah sit down to think about Muzzerr’s bottom some more.

Uzzerr Muzzerr come over for a cuddle so naturally,  ah give ‘er mah intelligent look.
Ah find, eef ah ‘alf close one eye and look just so, everybody know ah am astonishingly intelligent.
Especially Uzzerr Muzzerr.

‘Just look at that astonishingly intelligent, and ‘andsome little boy’ she say again.
But ah am busy thinking about ‘ow Muzzerr’s enormous bottom
follow ‘er everywhere she go.