Mademoiselle Yourmasseuse Pays ‘er Respects

Ah ‘ave just built le nest for le nap, ah am rudely interrupted.
‘Zephyr’ UzzMuzz say, ‘Your Masseuse is here’.
As ah am now on le way to becoming le world’s greatest eventeur, race ‘orze and show jumpeur,  all sort of people want to congratulart me.
Ah realarse Mademoiselle Yourmasseuse must be ‘ere to congratulate me on something ah ‘ave done recently.

Ah must assess le situation – will this be worth getting up out of le bed for?
Ah do not get up for less than one bag of le carrot.
Ah am just about to go back to le sleep when…

To mah utteur astonishment, ah am hauled to le feet.
What l’ell?

There are no carrots.

Ah feel lark barting something so ah bart le rope.
Mademoiselle Yourmasseuse admire mah strong back.
‘Ooh’ she say, ‘what a strong and ‘andsome fellow you are’, or something lark that, I do not know ah was not listening.

Ah expect le carrot at any moment.
Ah do not lark to stand ‘ere for nothing.

She now admire mah botterm.
Most people do.

‘Yes’ she say, ‘now that is the backside of a true champion race horse’.
Ah know it is.

‘This has the strength of 40 horses, you must be able to run like the wind’.
Ah agree with ‘er, it is easier that way.

Just between you and me ah can fart lark le wind also.

UzzMuzz is looking at me.
‘Are you making stuff up in your head again Zephyr?’ she ask.
Ah do not know what she is talking about.

Ah give ‘er le look to wither ‘er mane.
‘Ah do not make sterf up UzzMuzz’.

‘Clearly Mademoiselle Yourmasseuse know a Champion ‘orze when she feel one’.


Ave you look at yourself lately?’

Ah did not think so’.
‘Ah ‘ave to tell you UzzMuzz that you ooh aarrr, that you…erf’

It is then that ah notice UzzMuzz laughing at me.
Ah fail to see what is so funny.

‘You could do with some plaits in your mane’ ah say ‘aughtily.

‘There is nothing funny about what is ‘appening ‘ere.’

Suddenly it is all oveur and ah need le snooze.

‘You must come and see me again soon’ ah explain, ‘olding back le yawn.
And ah kiss ‘er on le shouldeur.
Then ah must walk away.

Then ah notice Mademoiselle try to strangle George.
Muzzeur will be pleased.

Ah ‘ave things to do. Ah leave ‘er to strangle Monsieur George.


Le Boss is Back

Muzzeur is locked in Le Pen of Shame.
This is le chance to get things straight with Monsieur George.

‘Allo ‘allo Monsieur George’ ah say, full of le politeness, ‘It is narce to meet you, moi name is Zephyrr and ah am le boss of le ‘ole paddock.’

‘Go orn’, ‘e say, ‘you and whose army?’

Ah sigh and stare off into le distance, as if contemplating all le world’s problems.
Actually ah am wondering if there mart be carrots served up with le dinneur tonart.
Ah am also waiting for Muzzeur to be released before ah reply.

Monsieur George can not wait to ‘ear le wisdom. Ah ‘ave le lot of it.

Either that or ‘e is trying to see what Muzzeur is doing be’ind me.
She ‘as now been released on probation. eh eh eh.

Ah put le ‘ead down and casually eat some grass so that George can see that ah ‘ave l’ighest level of protection at mah back at all tarm.

One false move Monsieur George…

Ah do not need to say any more. eh eh eh. Le point is made.

Ah am le boss of everyone once again.
eh eh eh.

Hoover is farewelled and ‘George’ arrives

Listen very carefully ah shall say this only once…

L’embicile ‘as gone off to boot camp. eh eh eh. Finally.

We farewell ‘im yesterday afternoon. Of course, ah pretend ah am very sorry to see ‘im go…
‘Good Bye L’ooveur’ ah shout. “Au revoir and Bon Voyage!’

Muzzeur was impressed with le sincerity.
‘What a sincere little boy you are’ she say.
Yes she still call me ‘er ittle boy. Ah do not marnd.

eh eh eh.

ah feel as sincere as le wet ‘oof brush. Le one with le pine needles stuck on eet.
Sincerity leak out of me lark sweat from le frog.
“Do not come back you big ‘airy tosseur” ah think to mahself.

Then to mah great surprise and delart, along come Monsieur George…
‘e is ‘ere for rest and recreation. Ah can ‘elp ‘im with that.
‘e look lark le narce chap and best of all…

Muzzeur can not stand ‘im.
‘Get away from my son!” she scream.

Ah am so ‘appy ah do not where to put all mah legs.

Larf will be fun once more – Muzzeur will no longer be spending ‘er tarm flirting with le new ‘orze.

There is no chance of Muzzeur falling in love with this ‘orze.
She think ‘e le biggest pedophile l’earth ‘as eveur seen.

And ‘e take no chance with ‘er.
‘Bloody hell’ ‘e say, ‘steady on Old Girl’.

‘Ah would not be calling ‘er ‘Old Girl’ if ah were you ‘ah  whispeur, but ‘e do not ‘ear me.

‘Did he just call me OLD GIRL?’ Muzzeur ask.
“ah think ‘e say ‘You ‘ave lovely curls” ah say.
eh eh eh.