Farting as though your larf depend on it.

Ah cannot stand L’imbicile.

Every tarm la Papparazzi appear, ‘e rush oveur to strike le pose.
This is ‘im trying to look intelligent.
It does not work.

‘e fartoberm every farto shoot.

Ah take no notice of ‘im, ah keep l’ead down and le berm up.
This is me taking no notice of anyone.
Ah do not feel lark being fartographed.

Finally ah ‘ave ‘ad enough grass.
Ah wait until Muzzeur is nowhere to be seen and then ah surprise l’imbicile when ah bust out of le tree le spoiling for ler fart.
‘e was not expecting that eh eh eh.

We go ‘ead to ‘ead.

‘Ah must protest most strongly about your fartoberming’ ah say.

La Papparazzi is ‘ere to fartograph me, not you.

‘ ah am le famous one in this paddock, not you’.

‘Le blog is not called ‘L’imbicile of Eyrewell” ah am shouting now.

Being l’Italian imbicile, ‘e do not understand french, so ah feel ah can insult ‘im at no personal risk to le self.
We do some bouncing up and le down.
Ah am enjoying mahself more than I thought ah would

Ah am aware that ‘is lip is le flapping and ‘e no doubt insultme in l’Italian which ah refuse to understand.
“Bleuh bleuh made horse, bleuh bleuh clip clop” ‘e say – that is what it sound lark to me.

As ah take no notice of what ‘e ‘as to say, ‘e yell at me now…


‘e ‘uff l’Italian insults in mah general direction as ‘e continue to bounce up and down.
Ah am not impressed with ‘is Italian insult so ah desard then to throw in l’Australian insult ah learn  long tarm ago from L’Uncle.
Ah know ‘ow to insult someone.

‘TOSSEURR’ ah yell, ‘You giant TOSSEURR do not talk back to me lark le RAW PRAWN’.
Ah a’ve no idea what le ‘raw prawn’ is but l’Uncle always use that one and  certainly, L’Imbicile look suitably insulted.

Then ‘e let me ‘ave it, le torrent of Italian insult fly out of ‘is gob to strike me in l’ear’ole.

Now we fart as though our larf depend on it.

Back and forth we go ‘urling l’insults at each otheur with all le mart.
This is le fart to le death – only le strongest, le most ‘andsome and intelligent ‘orse can win this one. There can only be one winneur ‘ere…

and ‘ere ‘e is…



Inwhich Zephyr has a serious Talk with the Hoover

Today ah desard to ‘ave le serious whispeur in l’ear to l’imbicile about ‘ow le Papparazzi lark to fartograph me, not ‘im.

‘Monsieur ‘ooveur’ ah whispeur full of le politeness, ‘ah wish to ‘ave le talk with you’.

‘Ah am le most famous and ‘andsome ‘orse in le world’.

‘e seem to be listening so ah continue…

‘It is not easy being le most famous and ‘andsome ‘orse in le ‘ole ward world’ ah explain.

‘and you ‘ave to understand that ah take le responsibility very seriously’.
‘e is taking this betteur than ah thought ‘e would.

‘e seem to be taking l’ecture so well in farct, that ah keep going.
‘You need to realarse that ah ‘ave le Papparazzi follow me everywhere and all this fartoberming ‘as to stop’.

Suddenly ah notice ‘e try to speak. It sound lark ‘e choke on something.

‘Are you OK Monsieur?’ ah inquire, although ah am pretty sure it is just ‘is Italian speech impediment.

Ah do not understand Italian even though it is just English backwards.
‘baitomahbermo’ he gasp.
Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e is saying but ah ‘ave concern ‘e may ‘ave le case of le colic.
Muzzeur would kill me if ah give ‘im le colic.

‘aving explained le position ah tippy toe away from ‘im before Muzzeur realarse ah may ‘ave just killed ‘er boyfriend inwhich case this could be awkward.
‘e stand on le spot silently watch me go.



Ah am sitting in le sun wondering what to do next.

Le Paparazzi is about and ah look as ‘andsome as eveur.

This time, ‘oweveur, ah see they ‘ave sent le intervieweur.
eh eh eh, ah am le world’s most interesting ‘orse.

‘So how are you Zephyr?’ ‘e say.
What karnd of le question is that to ask le world’s most ‘andsome, brave and interesting  ‘orse.
Ah refuse to answer it.

‘e sit there, no doubt trying to think up another inane question to ask moi.
It take ‘im ‘alf an hour before ‘e finally say
‘What are you doing Zephyr?’
Good grief.
What does it look lark ah am doing, calculating le wave length of electromagnetic radiation?.
‘Ah am in le coma’ ah sigh.

and ah lie down with le groan to emphasise le point.
‘Are you a tired boy?’ ‘e say!

Clearly this imbecile ‘ave no idea what le comatose ‘orse look lark so ah show ‘im.
‘ooh errrr’ ah gasp, ‘ah am unconscious, your questions ‘ave put moi in le coma’.

ah thought ‘e would now go away and leave me to die in peace but instead, ‘e stay there staring at me. Ah ‘ave to now stay exactly as ah am because ah ‘ave told ‘im ah am in le coma.
This is awkward.