It a ‘ot day and we all stand around waiting for the Uzzerr Muzzerr to come out and kiss us. When at last she come we all so excited we call out to her (except my Muzzerr- she too hot)

Nek minute, Le Uncle Persil bite mah bum.

Why did you do zat Le Uncle ah zay.
Mate, he said, you squeal like a little girl and that’s just not right.
Maaate, he say, you should be ROARING like a LION.

For le record, ah do NOT squeel like a little girl.

Muzzerr, ah zay, Muzzerr, Le Unckle zay ah squeal like a little girl.
Tell ‘im ah do not.

Muzzerr? What is a LION?

But she too ‘ot to care.

Muzzerr? Ah zay, and ah make big zilly kissy noises to test ‘er ‘earing.

She still ignoring me zo zen ah ‘ave to roar at ‘er. MUZZERR!!! Ah bellow.

MUZZERR!!!
ah roar; like le lion.

What is it she say, what is so important that you need to shout in my ear?

Le Uncle Persil bite mah bum ah whisper.

I’m sure he didn’t mean to, she said.

Ah thought about zat for a bit and ah am zinking,
‘ow can you not mean to bite someone on le bum?

Today ah lost mah legs all of a zudden.
Muzzerr, Muzzerr, I call, look, ah ‘ave no legs any more.

Le Uncle Persil looked worried, No legs mate? He say, don’t worry mate, you’ll float well when it rains.
I ‘ave no idea what ‘e means. ‘E iz always saying stupid zings.

Muzzerr told me not to be such a silly boy. She always saying stupid stuff too.

Ah am not a zilly boy, but ah did find mah legs again –
zey were underneath me all along.

Muzzerr, ah zaid, Muzzerr…

No need to worry muzzerr, look, ah found mah legs.

She take no notice of me, Ah zink she grumpy again zo ah decide to be quiet and do what she does.

Le only trouble waz, ah zuddenly notice Le Uncle’s Bottom
and ah ‘ave to take a closer look.

Zat gets mah Muzzerr going again. ‘STOP IT’ she yell, ‘back away from his behind’.

‘Crikey’, zaid le Uncle, ‘oo iz still Australian,
‘I wasn’t aware that my arse was so dangerous’.

And zat iz when ah got le idea to pretend to die of exposure to Le Uncle’s ‘arse’ gas.

And once again Le Uncle is banned from ‘aving anyzing to do wiz me.
I wazn’t even really dead.

Last night ah snuck out of le paddock to meet zum of mah new invisible friends
Zey politely invite me to join zem to party in le paddock next door…
’ow could ah refuse?

Ah fuel up and zen ah wait til Le Uncle and my Muzzerr were alseep and …

Ah let mahself out of le paddock uzing a top secret technique zat ah can not tell you about or else (according to Le Uncle ‘oo knows about such zings)
ah’ would ‘ave to kill you.

By la time mah Muzzerr stop stuffing ‘er face and realise ah ‘ad gone it waz too late

Ah was stealthily creeping along le next door paddock fence line looking for mah invisible friends

Being invisible, means they are ‘ard to find so ah stopped and chatted to le sheeps

But ah can not understand a word zey zay.

Pretty zoon it morning and ah still ‘ave not found mah friends –
zey are invisible you zee.
Zen along comes my Uzzer Muzzerr and she does not look too ‘appy to see me out and about exploring.
I wander over to ‘er and demand a massage since she zere and zen she escorts me back through the gate to my Muzzerr ‘oo waz very relieved to zee me

My Son! She zay and she startz zlobbering all over me. It get very embarrassing.

Zen le rest of le day she does not let me out of ‘er sight

Ah can’t go anywhere wizout ‘er zo ah spend zum time looking at ‘er armpits – she ‘ates it when ah do zis.

Stop it she zay, get out of there you hairy little boy.

Ah am not a ‘airy little boy, bezides ah am going to break out again tonight zo ah practise dying’  oping zen she will go away.

But every time ah look up to check…

She there, right be’ind me.

And what is worse, she now ‘as le Uncle guarding me from la front…