Ah may look lark ah am not doing much but even when ah am still, ah am doing stuff. For instance, ‘ere ah am flexing le muscles.

Ah stand le other way while casually inspecting le muscular chest.
It does ‘ave a lot of muscle on it.

Then ah trot off to find more stuff to do.

Muzzeur and L’Uncle stand around doing Stuff All. They are very le boring.

So naturally, ah decide to start le stampede.
‘LOOK OUT!’ ah yell, ‘Le end of le world is ‘appening’, and ah gallop flat out towards Muzzeur and Le Uncle’.

We all gallop about in la big panic and ah am  enjoying le end of le world immensely.

Le Uncle and Muzzeur ‘ave no idea it is not really le end of le world.

Ah run beside Le Uncle making motorbark noises with mah lips. (‘e ‘ate le motorbark)

‘Rrrrrrrrrrrp RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRp’ ah go.

Le Uncle bolt off. ‘e is worried. Motorbark AND le end of le world!

Suddenly, ‘e realise, it is me pretending to be le motorbark.
Now, through no fault of mah own,  ah am in le big trouble.

Ah am going to ‘ave to fart for mah rights.

Ah was ‘oping Muzzeur mart defend me, ‘er only son.

But Muzzeurr, she is too busy standing around doing Stuff All again.

‘Muzzeurr’ ah say ‘opefully, ‘MUZZEURRR! you ‘ave to ‘elp me,  Le Uncle is trying to bart me for no reason at all’

Unfortunately, that encourage Muzzeurr to start waffling on about ‘ow ah need to grow up, bleuh bleuh and ‘ow when she was mah age bleuh bleuh bleuh…
Sacre Bleuh! She was never mah age.

Le Uncle and ah think this is hilarious.
We stop farting and walk around ‘er, ‘Bleuh bleuh bleuh’ ah say.
‘Gab gab gab,’ say Le Uncle in Australian language.
‘Your mother ees like a kookaburra een parliament,’ ‘e say, ‘she has a lot to say but none of eet makes any sense’.
Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e mean but ah laugh nervously anyway.

Uzzeur muzzeur ‘as come to take Muzzeur out for some exercise and ah am sensing le big trouble for LeUncle and ah when she get back.

Muzzeur is ‘aving le visit from la Massuese today.
Luckily ah am on ‘and with le benefit of mah minutes of training.
‘Do not worry Muzzeur’ ah assure ‘er, ‘ah will show this person what to do’.
Muzzeur does not seem as ‘appy as se should be to ‘ave ,e at ‘er side.

Zis Masseuse get to work on Muzzeur.
‘Excusey moi,’ ah say, ‘you will want to learn all about anatomy’.

She ignore me but ah do not mind.
‘Zis ‘ere, eet ees Muzzeurs’ Back’ ah say knowledgeably.

As she continue to ignore me, clearly, she ‘as le deafness problem so
ah say eet louder – ‘BAAAAACK’ ah shout
‘and now you are working on Muzzeurs Arse’

‘ARRRRSE,’ ah emphasize it.
This ah learn in mah anatomy class.
Eet is true ah did not listen very carefully, anatomy is le very boring subject,
‘oweveur, ah do know l’arse when ah see one.

Clearly this imbecile ‘as no understanding of what arses are for so ah show ‘er.
‘Look, Imbecile’, ah say, ‘you can rest your ‘ead and sleep on Muzzeur’s big arse’.
Ah nuzzle around to find le softest spot.

‘Ahhhhhhh’ ah sigh, and am almost asleep when….

Quelle ‘orreur,  ah notice she carry on without mah guidance.
‘Listen very carefully’, ah say, ‘ah shall say this only once’.

But Uzzeur Muzzeur is distracting me and ah ‘ave forgotten what it is ah was about to say.
La Masseuse wait expectantly for me to shower ‘er with mah wisdom.
Ah am thinking so ‘ard it ‘urt.

For once ah am at a loss for words, so ah bestow on ‘er le kiss of knowledge.

‘Did you see that Le Uncle, you may ‘ave shot le Sherrif but ah kiss la Masseuse’.

‘Ah kiss la Masseuse,’ ah repeat, guffawing loudly so everyone will realise ‘ow funny ah am.

Then, in a stroke of genius, ah add, ‘But ah did not kiss le Veterinary’.

We all laugh so ‘ard at that one, le Masseuse almost fall over.

Ah am on le roll. Ah am le most ‘ysterical ‘orze in le ‘ole paddock.

Then ah notice Uzzeur Muzzeur, she is glaring at me.
It is then that ah remember, ah am ‘ere to give advice, not to tell le jokes.
It is ‘ard to keep a straight face.

Ah put on mah serious face.

But this is no laughing matter, ah ‘ave to pull mahself togetheur and save Muzzeur’s arse.
Ah guide le ‘and of la Masseuse and together, we save Muzzeur.
There will be no laughing ‘er arse off while ah am ‘ere, making sure it is firmly attached to ‘er back.

Being le Professeur Emeritus of le Veterinary de la Séance Degree with Distinction is le serious job.

We ‘ear of le bird ‘oo ‘as fallen out of la tree.
As ah am le one ‘oo know what to do, ah race to resuscitate ‘im.
Le Uncle come with me because ‘e is Australian.
Australians know everything.

Eet ees ‘ard work but le most tricky thing of all, is to find ‘im.

We all gallop around looking for le bird ‘oo ‘as fallen out of le tree.

Muzzeur try to get there on two legs.
‘Wrong two legs Muzzeur’ ah say ‘elpfully.
Clearly ‘er big botterm weigh ‘er down.

Soon we forget about le bird and Le Uncle decide to teach me more of ‘is farting moves.
This ‘ere, it is called Le Livard, because it make le opponent le Livard.

Le Uncle teach me if another ‘orze approach me lark this,
it is because, ‘e want to kiss me and ah must fart mah way out of it.
‘Go orn, Gizakiss,’ ‘e say. Ah am scared.

Ah am very good at le farting – and galloping too. Especially when there is a kiss coming mah way.

Le Uncle show me ‘ow to fend off all manneur of le kisses.

Then ‘e got me. ‘e planted le big Australian kiss on mah neck.
Naturally, ah was ‘orrified.
Ah try to fart ‘im off.

Ah even ‘ide be’ind Muzzeur. No one can see me ‘ere if ah stay still and close mah eyes.

But it is no good. Le Uncle find me.
‘There there moi son’ ‘e say, ‘you look loike a one armed kookaburra’.
Ah ‘ave to think about this. Could ‘e be talking about le bird ‘oo fall out of le nest?

While ah am thinking about this, Le Uncle and ah practice walking backwards.
We walk 5 laps of le paddock backwards.

Then Muzzeur join in and we all do another lap backwards. No one is allowed to look be’ind, not even once.
Ah try to get Muzzeur to break le rule.
‘Muzzeur,’ ah say, ‘there ees a big bird on your botterm right ‘ere, look at it’.
As usual, all she does ees be grumpy at me.

Later that day ah try to make it up to Muzzeur.
‘Come on Muzzeur,’ ah say, ”ow many Professeur Emeritus’s ‘ave big fat grumpy Muzzeurs?’

But clearly Muzzeur is Grass Affected.
Ah mean look at ‘er.