This morning, as ah sat contemplating Quantum Psychics
and le meaning of larf.
Uzzerr Muzzerr waddle over and tell me something
exciting ees about to ‘appen.

Naturally, mah first thought ees of carrots.
‘as another box of carrots been sent to me?

‘You may bring le carrots to me’ ah say ‘opefully.

All of a sudden, ‘oo should enter le field but Muzzerr!
Le Uncle look worried now. ‘Shoite,’ ‘e whisper, ‘Your Mother is here’.

Ah go over to check. ah would recognise ‘er big bottom amywhere.
Eet ees ‘er! ‘Eet ees Muzzerr!’ ah yell.

Ah rest mah ‘ead on ‘er big comfy bottom.
Muzzerr does not seem pleased to see me.

So ah suggest we find Le Uncle ‘oo ees ‘iding from ‘er.

Le Uncle rushes out of le forest and give ‘er a beeg fright.
Ah know what ‘e ees doing. Les Girls are next door ‘e does not want Muzzerr to know about that .

Muzzerr just wants to stick with me, ‘er only son. ‘oo can blame ‘er.

We are all galloping around, of course ah am le fastest ‘orze in le field.
Ah am still le most ‘andsome ‘orze in le field also.

Uzzerr Muzzerr say ah am outstanding in mah field.
Thees ees because ah am.
Unless ah am sitting.

Later, when Le Uncle goes to visit ‘is girlfriend, ah ‘ave a chance to be alone with Muzzerr.
‘Muzzerr‘, ah say, ‘Muzzerr‘.
She ees too busy watching Le Uncle.

She watch ‘im lark a ‘awk, but ah am bored.
‘MUZZERR‘ ah ell, ‘MUZZERR!!!’

‘Muuuuzzzeerrr, Muuuuzzzzzerrrrrr,’
ah go.

Finally she answer me. ‘Yes Son,’ she say, ‘what is it?’
Ah ‘ave forgotten what ah was going to ask ‘er so ah
‘ave to make something up een a ‘urry.

‘Muzzerr, why don’t all le clouds fall down from le sky?’
Ah don’t really want to know about such stuff but Muzzerr
will pay attention to me eef she think ah am interested in what she ‘as to say.

‘Son,’ she say, ‘for the same reason your Uncle
likes those trollops next door – no one knows’.
This ees news to me, ah thought everyone know why Le Uncle love Les Girls.

‘Ah know’, ah say, ‘Ah know why Le Uncle love Les Girls next door’.
‘Shut up,’ say Muzzerr but ah do not.
‘Eet ees because they are BLONDE,’ ah crow.

‘Beige,’ sigh Muzzerr, ‘they are BEIGE’.

‘Huh? Huh? Muzzerr?’

Le Uncle, ‘e ees refusing to talk to me again. ‘e say ah never listen to ‘im. ‘e ees right but ah did not think ‘e notice.

‘Pleeeeease Le Uncle, ah will listen to everything you ‘ave to say,’ ah beg, ah cannot stand eet when ‘e does not talk to me even though ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e ees talking about.

Ah will learn Australian Le Uncle’, ah am pleading now.
Ah know ah am winning when ‘e give a big sigh, but ah lie ‘ere looking cute and cuddly a bit more. Ah know eet melt ‘is ‘eart when ah do this.

Eet all started when a spot F. MacFearsome (Macka), ‘oo ees a seriously fat and grumpy cat, sunning ‘erself on le deck.

‘Le Uncle,’ ah yell, ‘According to Islamb, we must face ‘Macka’ and pray for a ‘ole bag of dignity’.
Islamb ‘as said no such thing but Le Uncle ‘e do not know this.

F. MacFearsome stop washing ‘er backside and look seriously impressed.
This is le sort of encouragement ah lark.

‘Ah worship le ground you lie around on’ ah say.
Of course that ees a load of bollocks, ah am down ‘ere eating le clover.

Then ah bounce up and start dancing around lark a lunatic.

Ah am ‘aving so much fun ah forget about Le Uncle.

Ah am being a War ‘orze .

Ah stop to check out mah reflection in le trough and ah am pleased to report ah am still just as ‘andsome as ah was last time ah look.

Eet was then, that ah  notice Le Uncle’s ‘ock and ah give eet an experimental bite.
‘e ees rumbling on at me in Australian but ah take no notice.

And then ah bite ‘is neck; ah am le feared Great Cream Paddock Shark.
‘e ees yelling at me now, something about ‘pizorf ya heery leedle tossa’.
Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e ees on about.

‘e try to get away but ah am too fast and stealthy for le likes of ‘im.

And le next thing ah know Le Uncle ees refusing to ‘ave anything more to do with me and ah ‘ave no idea why but ah am sure eet will not last. Noone can resist le awesome power of Le Great Cream Paddock Shark.

Le Uncle and ah ‘ave a new game. Eet ees called ‘Grullos in le Mist’.

Le Uncle tell me all about Grullos one morning as we stand around doing nuzzing.

‘Son,’ ‘e say, ‘you just be thankful you are horse’.
‘What else could ah be?’ ah ask, ‘oping ‘e will tell me ah could be a sporty car.

‘Well Son,’ ‘e say, and then ‘e say a ‘ole lot of stuff een Australian about sandwiches missing out on a picnics but ah don’t get interested again until ‘e start talking about  Grullo Freedom Farters.

Suddenly ah am quite interested, ah lark to ‘ear about farting.
‘Farters?’ ah say, ‘tell me more Uncle’.

‘e tell me all about le freedom farters.
Eet ees beginning to get a bit boring until Le Uncle show me ‘is farting moves.

Then quelle ‘orreur!  ‘e breathe ‘is old man breath over me and eet ees lark ah ‘ave been gassed.

Ah try to get away from this noxious fog of Old Man’s Breath but ah cannot.

‘E ees breathing all over me and ah feel faint.

‘Stop eet’ ah plead. But ‘e will  not stop breathing on me.

Ah start to feel sleepy and ah know le end ees about to ‘appen very soon for me.
‘eet ees no good fogging a dead ‘orze’ ah sigh.

‘Moite?’ Le Uncle say, ‘Do you surrender?’

Ah admit, ah was just about to when we both spot Uzzerr Muzzerr coming towards us.

Ah seize le moment and bite Le Uncle ‘ard on le chops.

Then, because ah am a Grullo in le Mist ah trot off intending to
disappear into le depths of le forest where no one can find me.

Then ah get a fright when a pullet fly out of nowhere so ah start to gallop – faster and faster ah go. Le pullets are flying everywhere but no speeding pullet can catch me.

Pretty soon, ah ‘ave forgotten all about Grullo Warfare and ah decide to look for that bag of Dignity Muzzerr ees always on about.