Today Le Uncle asked if ah could ‘put in a good word wiz mah Muzzer’.

What word would you like me to use? ah ask.

Ah know lot’s of good words now, ah explain

‘No no Mate’, ‘e zaid, ‘you misunderstand me, ah want you to tell your Mother that I am a ‘Bonzer bloke’’.

Zat waz two words but ah did not point zat out; instead, ah tell ‘im ah will inform mah Muzzerr immediately.

Ah ‘ave no idea what a ‘Bonzer Bloke’ iz but ah ‘ave an idea it mean ‘e is like
la bonza tree.

No one is going to trim mah roots. Not even Le Uncle.

Don’t touch le ‘air ah zay.

You are not going to trim mah roots.

Later on, Le Uncle tell me ah should clean mah teeths more often.

Zo ah secretly polish zem on ‘is cheek right ‘ere

Zen ah go and look for mah Muzzerr to tell ‘er zat Le Uncle iz a Bonza Bloke.
On le way ah come across mah Fazzer and something awful appen.

I sniff mah Fazzer’s ‘ead zo ‘ard ah sniff al ‘iz mane off.

Muzzerr, ah wail, just in case she ‘az zeen what ‘appen, ah ‘ave done something terrible without even trying.

What iz it son? When ah realise she ‘as no idea what ‘appen, ah am too buzy wailing up a storm of sincerity to answer ‘er.

Zen ah notice Le Uncle glaring at me.
‘BONZA BLOKE,’ ‘e mouths.

Ah give a big loud insincere sniff.

‘Son’, mah Muzzer says, in la growly voice she uses when she is cross wiz me, ‘what have you done?’ she must ‘ave sensed la insincerity.
Right about zen ah ‘ad another brilliant idea.
‘Ah forgot to clean mah teeths’ ah zaid, and added,  ‘Le Uncle iz a Bonza Bloke and ‘e ‘elped me clean zem’.
Mah Muzzerr, iz now very impressed wiz Le Uncle, ah can play wiz ‘im any time ah want.

Today ah annoy mah Muzzerr zo much zat she finally agree to allow le Uncle to take me.

Just between you and me, ah did not zink ah ‘ad been all zat annoying.

‘I have had it up to here with that boy,’ mah muzzerr zaid when she dropped me off.

‘Crikey’ said Le Uncle, ‘keep your hair on Old Girl, I’ll sort him’.
And ‘e grabbed ‘old of me.

Oi! ah roared, ‘you can’t just grab me like zat, ah am  Lord Lubbaduck you know’.

‘Sshhhh mate’ zay Le Uncle ‘play along with me, this is for your Mother’s benefit’.

Well ah got it zen.
‘Muzzerr’, ah squeeked, ‘please don’t leave me wiz le Uncle’.
‘That’s it mate,’ whispered Le uncle.

Well zat is exactly what she did. I could not believe mah luck.
Le Uncle iz a very smart ‘orze and ah tell ‘im zo.

‘Yeah, steady on a bit mate’, he zay, ‘you just have to learn about sheilas’.
Ah ‘ave no idea what a Sheila iz but ah am not about to tell le Uncle.

Mah day iz getting brighter by le minute.
Le Uncle and ah play a game of ‘ad it up to ‘ere’ .

Zen ‘e takes me to le ‘ole in la ‘edge where we can spy on le girls next door.

Pretty soon ah get a bit bored wiz zat.
Come on Uncle’ ah zay, ‘ah ‘ave AD IT UP TO ‘ERE’

Le Uncle haz forgotten ah am ‘ere. Zo ah bite ‘im.

Maybe ah went a bit too far.

Le next zing ah know ‘e is giving me a big telling off!

And ‘e drags me back to la  Muzzerr!

And now ah ‘ave 2 boring old ‘orzes making sure ah not be annoying.

Today ah ‘eard a noise so terrible it curdle mah blood.
Islamb, ‘oo iz a sheeps, was wandering around by ‘erself, when she suddenly let out a noise zat sounded like a big fog ‘orn.
(I know it sounded like le fog ‘orn because Le Uncle Persil zaid zo).
PAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRP it went.

Muslamb, daughter of Islamb, ‘eard ‘er and zuddenly…

All Le Sheeps come running over to find out what iz going on.

What iz it? What is it? zey ask, iz it le revolution?
Look, said Islamb, zumzing is written on le salt lick!
Zey all ran over to have a look but by le time zey ‘ad all tried to decipher le ancient writings ‘alf le salt lick waz gone.

Ah could ‘ave told zem not to eat it before zey read it…

Of course, ah ‘ave learned to keep mah big mouth le shut
especially when Muzzerr iz right be’ind me, so ah keep quiet.

Az a French ‘orze, ah do not like Muslamb or Islamb but ah do get on well with Gollamb ‘oo iz le son of Islamb.
Ah zee ‘im and go over to talk to talk to ‘im.
‘e and ah ‘ave a good laugh about  what ‘iz Muzzerr zound like.

Le noise waz zo awful, it make le ‘air on le back of mah neck stand up, ah zay…

Ah start to run…

And zen, in le middle of le chat wiz Gollamb, zon of Islamb,
mah Muzzerr bellows at me.
Son!, she yell, zo loud all life forms come to a ‘alt and look at ‘er… Of course ah too instantly stop what ah am doing, ah waz zure she going to tell us le end of le world was coming.

‘Have you cleaned you teeth?’ she ask.

Of course ah ‘ave not, zo ah cleverly only give ‘er le side view.

Zen ah ask Persil if ‘e ‘as cleaned ‘is.
‘e gave me the sharp shift.

Zen we all wander around and pretend nuzzing ‘appen.

Zuddenly ah get le idea to run over to check if there is anyzing amazing written on our zalt lick.

And ah am pretty sure zere iz zumzing about me being le zon of God, which explains why mah fazzer never visit – ‘ee too busy;
and zumzing about being mad in China.