It iz three months since ah waz rudely expelled from mah Muzzerr’s womb.

‘Muzzerr’, ah zay, ‘why waz ah expelled?’

But she ignore me zo ah pull ‘er tail… ‘Muzzerr?’

Zen ah ‘ear Le Uncle calling to me. ‘What?’ Ah zay, ‘ah can’t ‘ear you?’

‘e iz buzy trying to tell me zumzing silently zo Muzzerr won’t ‘ear.
Ah ‘ave no idea what it iz ‘e iz zaying.

Zo ah ignore ‘im and start to play bouncy wiz mah Muzzerr.
She ‘ates it when ah do zis.

Le Uncle rushes over and drags me off to one zide.
‘e iz always doing zis.

‘Maaate’, ‘e zays, ‘don’t hassle your Mother’..

‘But Le Uncle, zumbody ‘as to’ ah zay.

‘Listen here, you happy little vegemite’ ‘e zays, ‘Use the clodhoppers and give the better half a fair crack of the whip’.

Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e is talking about, ‘e ‘as gone all Australian on me.

Zo ah tell ‘im ah don’t speak English.
Ah may ‘ave mentioned zomething about ‘im being a big Aussie git.

And zen; ah can’t ‘elp mahself; ah ‘ave to bite ‘is bum.

Ah cleverly pretend it waz nothing to do with me

And zen, az an experiment, ah bite it again.

Luckily, just as le Uncle waz about to “Chuck a spaz and throw me over the Barbie”;

My Dad decided to go for a gallop around le paddock.

Zis iz weird, ah thought, iz zomezing chasing ‘im?

Ah look but ah can’t zee anyzing.

Zo ah catch up to ‘im and ask ‘im…
’Dad’, ah zay, ‘why are you galloping about like an idiot?’
But ‘e iz stupeed and ‘as no idea what ah am zaying.
Ah zink about breaking it down into zimple words but
Ah really can’t be arsed. If ‘e does not understand french, what problem of mine iz it?

Luckily by le time all zis ‘as ‘appened, Muzzerr ‘as forgotten to be mad at me and ah am ‘opeful for a drink.

And Le Uncle ‘as forgiven me for being a “Tinny short of a six pack”
‘Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e is on about.

Today I learn about a small matter of pronounciation.
Le Uncle too me aside to talk about ‘ow ah mistook what ‘e said to me yesterday.

‘Mate’, he said, ‘you’ve got some apologizing to do’.

Ah feel like ah am always apologizing for something so ah am not keen.

‘What do you mean ah ‘ave some apologizing to do’, ah zay.

‘e took me away from La Muzzerr and ‘e explain the difference between farting and fighting.

Zuddenly ah don’t feel zo smart.

‘Go orn now mate’, ‘e zay, ‘apologise to your Mother’.

And ‘e shoves me towards ‘er.

‘Muzzer,’ ah zay, ‘Muzzerr’ she doez not look ‘appy to be stopped from ‘er ‘oovering le paddock.

‘Muzzerr, ah need to talk to you about le difference between farting and fighting’.
Now she does not look pleased to see me at all.

Zo ah rush over to ‘er and ah burst out crying like Le Uncle zaid ah should.

‘Muzzerr,’ ah zob, ‘ah am zorry ah realize now  Le Uncle told me to FIGHT for freedom’.

‘ah ‘onestly thought ‘e zaid to FART for it’.

‘Did your Uncle put you up this too?’ she zaid.

‘Ow does mah Muzzerr know everyzing?’

Today, as Mah Muzzerr and ah share breakfast, ah ask ‘er,
‘ow come ah not run az fast az Le Uncle’?

We ‘ad been watching Le Uncle gallop laps around le paddock.

‘e go az fast az a rocket; a very fast one.

Even la Cat, Flossom MacFearsome waz impressed.
She can only imagines going zat fast.

Ah ask le pooch if ‘e know ‘ow to run zo fast, but ‘e is an idiot.

Zo ah decide to ask Le Uncle.
at first ‘e wasn’t very impressed az ah interrupt ‘iz num time, but zoon,
using flattery technique taught to me by ‘im, ah win ‘im over.

‘Le Uncle’, ahd zay, ‘you are a very fast (and ‘andzome) ‘orze,
ah want to be zat fast one day, what iz your secret?’
Zon, ‘e whisper in mah ear, it’s called hard yakka.
You’ve got to fart for it’.

Well of course now I can’t wait to try zis.
‘Fart?’ ah zay, and ah am very pleased az, ah come from a long line of family farters – it iz something ah am very good at.
‘Like zis’? you mean…

‘No, no’ zay le Uncle, ‘you’ll have to do better than that, mate, put some effort into it’.
Ah try again and all of a sudden…

Ah am off  like a rocket, speeding across le paddock before ah know what to do wiz mah legs.

As ah slow down ah let rip again and zis time ah am propelled up.

And off.

‘That’s it son’ zay Le Uncle.

Zere iz no one ‘oo can fart like me. Ah am a Freedom Farter. Ah am farting for mah independence.

But all of a zudden, Quelle ‘orror, I zeem to ‘ave run out of gas.

Ah am becalmed!

Next zing ah know, mah Muzzerr storms across le paddock,
shouting at me not to be such a silly little boy and Le Uncle iz banned from playing wiz me again and nobody iz allowed to fart again.