It iz three months since ah waz rudely expelled from mah Muzzerr’s womb.

‘Muzzerr’, ah zay, ‘why waz ah expelled?’

But she ignore me zo ah pull ‘er tail… ‘Muzzerr?’

Zen ah ‘ear Le Uncle calling to me. ‘What?’ Ah zay, ‘ah can’t ‘ear you?’

‘e iz buzy trying to tell me zumzing silently zo Muzzerr won’t ‘ear.
Ah ‘ave no idea what it iz ‘e iz zaying.

Zo ah ignore ‘im and start to play bouncy wiz mah Muzzerr.
She ‘ates it when ah do zis.

Le Uncle rushes over and drags me off to one zide.
‘e iz always doing zis.

‘Maaate’, ‘e zays, ‘don’t hassle your Mother’..

‘But Le Uncle, zumbody ‘as to’ ah zay.

‘Listen here, you happy little vegemite’ ‘e zays, ‘Use the clodhoppers and give the better half a fair crack of the whip’.

Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e is talking about, ‘e ‘as gone all Australian on me.

Zo ah tell ‘im ah don’t speak English.
Ah may ‘ave mentioned zomething about ‘im being a big Aussie git.

And zen; ah can’t ‘elp mahself; ah ‘ave to bite ‘is bum.

Ah cleverly pretend it waz nothing to do with me

And zen, az an experiment, ah bite it again.

Luckily, just as le Uncle waz about to “Chuck a spaz and throw me over the Barbie”;

My Dad decided to go for a gallop around le paddock.

Zis iz weird, ah thought, iz zomezing chasing ‘im?

Ah look but ah can’t zee anyzing.

Zo ah catch up to ‘im and ask ‘im…
’Dad’, ah zay, ‘why are you galloping about like an idiot?’
But ‘e iz stupeed and ‘as no idea what ah am zaying.
Ah zink about breaking it down into zimple words but
Ah really can’t be arsed. If ‘e does not understand french, what problem of mine iz it?

Luckily by le time all zis ‘as ‘appened, Muzzerr ‘as forgotten to be mad at me and ah am ‘opeful for a drink.

And Le Uncle ‘as forgiven me for being a “Tinny short of a six pack”
‘Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e is on about.