Today I waz in le middle of a deep sleep when ah ‘ear mah Muzzerr grumbling at moi from ‘alf way across le paddock.
Ah ‘ate it when she does zat, eet is embarrassing.
Ah realise ah better go and zee what ah ‘ave done wrong now.
Ah could not zink of anyzing zo bad ah had done in le last ‘alf ‘our.
Le Uncle came over to warn me about la Muzzerr’s mood.
‘Son’ ‘e zay, ‘I would not want to be in your hooves’.
‘You are in deep doo doos’ ‘e zay.
‘ah ‘ave done nothing’ ah zay, ‘she must ‘ave mistaken me for some uzzer little boy’.
But ah put mah apology face on and go and talk to mah Muzzerr.
‘Ah did not really zink you missed anyzing when you ‘oover’ah zay..
‘And when ah tell you your bottom iz zis wide ah did not mean to compare it wiz Le Uncle’s girlfriends next door’.
But ah can tell she iz not believing me.
‘Muzzerr’ ah zay, ‘Muzzerr, wait…’
‘It waz not me ‘oo bit your bottom, zat waz zum uzzerr naughty boy –
Ah would never do such a zing’.
‘And ah waz only trying to ‘elp you go faster when ah pushed you from be’ind’.
‘And when ah make faces at Le Uncle ah waz joking.
Your Bottom does not really smell zat bad…Muzzerr?’
But Muzzerr is pretty mad wiz me and she is not talking to le uncle again either.
‘Halp me explain, Uncle Persil’, ah zay, ‘Muzzerr iz not listening’.
‘You’re on your own there mate,’ ‘e zay ‘if you want to behave like a great Galah with tickets on yourself, that’s up to you, don’t bring me into it’.
‘E iz speaking Australian again and ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e iz on about.
‘Muzzerr,’ah zay, ‘Muzzerr zere iz anuzzer little boy ‘oo look just like me –
only not quite az ‘andsome’.
‘‘e run around like zis and do stupeed stuff’.
‘For cherists sake’ zay le Uncle, ‘remember what ah told you about stroppy mares’
And suddenly ah do remember, ah rush after Muzzerr to apply zis knowledge.
‘Muzzerr, Muzzerr, you stroppy mare, ah love you’ ah yell.
‘Muzzerr, you are la most beautiful ‘orze in le ‘ole wide world’ ah zay when ah ‘ear le Uncle shouting at me not to mention anyzing about stroppy mares.
Ah am stretching the limit of mah sincerity ‘ere but it zeem to be working.
She slows down and ah tell ‘er zat she smell like a big bag of chaff.
Zat stopped ‘er. Zuddenly she all over me like a bucket of warm mollases.
And when she finally goes off to do more le ‘oovering,
well ah don’t know what got into me, ah just can’t ‘elp mahself…