Ah am in le big trouble again and Le Uncle won’t talk to me

Ah ask Le Uncle to teach me zumzing Australian to zay to zumone ‘oo annoy me.
Ah forgot to mention it waz Mah Muzzerr.
‘Son’ ‘e zay, ‘you about as useful as a one-legged horse in an arse kicking contest’.

Ah do not know what it means but ah remember it anyway.

Later when Muzzerr will not let me ‘ave a drink ah can not ‘elp mahzelf, ah ‘ave to zay it.

’Muzzerr’, ah zay, ‘Le Uncle zay you are about az yousefull as a one-lagged ‘orse in a nice keecking conteest’
And ah zay it in Australian because ah can.

Zen ah step back and wait for le reaction.

‘PERSIL!’ she says all quiet and scary, ‘PERSIL BEAUCOUP you come here and answer to this’.

Le Uncle look like ‘e ‘az seen le ‘oly Crap. Zen ‘e dissappear.

Muzzerr, az rolled up ‘er sleaves and stubbed out ‘er cigarrette.
(Ah may ‘ave exagerated about le cigarette).

Even La Dung Bird iz sensing a ‘Oly Crap and ‘e stop what ‘e iz doing.

‘e look all over for it.

Ah ‘elp’im look.
Muzzerr stands and wait for Le Uncle to return.

But ’e iz staying away and ah can’t find Le ‘Oly Crap.
‘Muzzerr’, ah zay, ‘Listen to me woman’…
and now ah am pretending to be ‘Umphrey Bogart

‘Where ‘ave you ‘idden le ‘oly crap?’

She sighs loudly and rolls ‘er eyes.

Ah pretend to be a big ‘airy shark.

Only ‘ah ‘ave to practise le big bite.

Le Pooches zink ah am a very funny chap.

Zey know brilliance when zey zee it.

Zuddenly Muzzerr stop le frowning and smile at me.

Everyone iz smiling.

Ah am laughing wiz la reliefs…

until Muzzerr remind me zat for zum unknown reason, ah am still in le big trouble.