Today, zere waz a problem.
Ah decide zat if mah Muzzerr and Le Uncle are going to keep arguing over oo gets to be wiz me, ah shall lie down and pretend to be dead right in between zem both. So ah did.

When I checked to zee ow upset zey were…
(very craftily, keeping muh eyes closed of course because ah was meant to be dead)

Uncle Persil was examining is toenails – nobody told me ee was gay

And my Muzzer, she waz zo buzy pulling le faces at le Uncle she ad not even noticed ah was dead not even when ah zat up.

Quite frankly, ah was astonished.
Zis is muh astonished look.

Zen ah stopped being astonished –
it was getting boring and ah decided ah needed a drink.

Ze problem wiz drinking, iz zat it cannot be undertaken lying down, even by me.
One must sort ones legs out and get up.

As I was drinking it occurred to me just why my Muzzerr ‘ates Le Uncle.
Ee watches er while she breast feed. Naturally, she is embarrassed.

Even le sheeps watch.
Zis iz Madame Moulamb Rouge, she ‘az a french name but she iz not french –
she iz a sheeps.

Gollamb, ‘ee alzo watch but ‘e iz just a baby sheeps.

Zere is no need to be embarrassed I zaid to my Muzzerr. But she merely grimaced.

Australian males, she zaid, they get bored very quickly.
Apparently, according my Muzzerr, zey ave a short attention span and very bad mannerz.

Follow my lead she say; pretend to be asleep. Ah am a diligent zon.

Ha! she said, several hours later (at least it felt like several hours)
He has gone now, you can wake up, My Son, we outfoxed him.

Later on during an exhausting photo session, (Ah am a star you zee) Le Uncle Persil got mah Muzzerr back.
Eee photo-bombed our Muzzerr/Zon shoot.
It was going in Vague Magazine.