As usual Le Uncle iz in big trouble wiz Muzzerr.

Muzzerr and Le Uncle were playing le ‘Doing Nuzzing’ game.

It got boring so ah suggest we do zumzing.

‘Anyzing’ ah zay, ‘ah do not care’

Ah point out zat Le Uncle’s ex girlfriend next door likes to do stuff wiz
Le Uncle all le time.

Muzzerr does not appear to be az impressed az ah thought she would be.

Ah catch Le Uncle’s eye –  ‘e look like ‘e ‘az just ‘ad a mouthful of worming paste.
‘e ‘az not even anyzing to zay in Australian for once.

Zo ah zaid it for ‘im.
Cri Key’ ah zaid, ‘ You big woombart, if you arse me, you are up sitcreak wizout a saddle’.  ‘Ah do not know what it mean but it le first zing Australian
zat come to mah mind.

‘WHAT’ roar Muzzerr? ‘Up Shit Creek? – did YOU teach my boy to say this?
‘er eyes are all wide and googley and she iz snorting up a storm.

Now Le Uncle iz in zerious trouble.

Ah am interested to zee if she breath fire all over ‘im,
but ah pretend ah am not interested at all.
Ah practice opening le gate.

‘I cannot believe you would teach him to say that’, yell mah Muzzerr.

‘Ow waz ah supposed to know zat speaking Australian iz a ‘uge crime?’

Today Le Sheeps are worried and az usual, Muzzerr, blames me.

La Good Sheep Lollypop heard zat Le Daily Llama was coming to visit and she ‘ave nuzzing to wear.
Madame Lollypop ‘asn’t got a lot of wool so naturally she iz panicking.
‘Holy Crap, what should I wear?’ she zaid, clearly looking at Muzzerr.
Iz mah Muzzerr la ‘oly Crap?

Ah ask Gollamb, ‘e usually know everyzing.

‘Eh Gollamb?’ ah ask, ‘Iz mah Muzzerr La ‘Oly Crap?’

In fact, come to zink of it ah am certain it waz you ‘oo spread zis rumour.
Wasn’t it, Gollamb.

‘Ow many ‘orzes will be making le trek to our place to worship La ‘Oly Crap ah wonder.

Ah do not want to share mah Muzzerr wiz anyone.

‘GOLLAMB!, will everyone be wanting to worship at le ‘ooves of la ‘oly Crap?

Gollamb cannot confirm anyzing az ‘is Aunt is right be’ind ‘im.

Zo, ah go off n search of Le Uncle. ‘e iz standing around doing nuzzing in le forest.

‘Allo Le Uncle’ ah zay, ‘remember me?’
Ah always introduce mahzelf first az Le Uncle iz an old ‘orze and ‘iz memory iz not zo good.

‘Le Uncle?’ Ah zay. Le Uncle ‘as been crabby lately as ‘e ‘as ‘ad a sore leg.

Ah know all about le sore legs, ‘aving injured mine  when ah got bitten by ah shark.
Zo ah check ‘iz sore leg out. It look OK to me.

‘Le Uncle,’ ah zay, ‘Iz mah Muzzerr La ‘oly Crap?’

Huh? …. Huh?

Zuddenly it iz all on. ‘Where did you get THAT from?’, zay Le Uncle
az ah skillfully dodge ‘iz ‘airy Australian lips.

Muzzerrr is watching us zo ah yell, ‘You are being watched by La ‘oly Crap’

Zen ah explain to Le Uncle what le game plan iz.

‘La ‘oly Crap iz watching’, ah zay, ‘zo ah ‘ave to be telling you off for zumzing you ‘ave not done’…

Le Uncle agree. Muzzerr iz always telling ‘im off for stuff ‘e ‘as not done.

‘MATE’, he yell “What have I done wrong this time?”
Ah ‘ave to think for a bit.

‘Huh?’ say Le Uncle, ‘Huh?’

Suddenly it occur to me.
‘You ‘ave got to stop contacting la old girlfriend next door’ ah zay.

Judging from le look on ‘iz face, ah probably should not ‘ave mentioned ‘iz ex girlfriend. She iz zumzing ‘e did do for once.

‘Crikey, Son,’ zay Le Uncle, ‘Did you have to mention her in front of your Mother’.

‘She’ll go bananas’.

‘Are you calling La ‘oly Crap a banana?’ ah yell.
Ah am on a roll now.

“Son’, ‘e zay, ‘don’t be a smart arse with me’.

But ‘e iz waffling on in Asutralian zo ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e iz talking about az usual zo ah carry on.

Ah am in a fart to le deaths – ah am farting for la ‘onour of le ‘oly Crap

Suprisingly La ‘oly Crap iz taking no notice zo ah try le fire breathing
like a dragon, but no fire will come out no matter ‘ow ‘ard ah puff.

Zo zen ah ‘ave to pull le Uncle’s tail.

Zen ah notice Le ‘ouse God is watching.

Le ‘ouse God iz a loud-mouthed Siamese with too much to zay for ‘imself.
Ah am tempted to practice mah fire-breathing on ‘im.

But Le Uncle rushes over to warn me about getting on le wrong side of Le ‘ouse God. It turn out Le ‘Ouse God iz a ‘oly Crap too.

‘Should we notify Le Daily Llama?’ ah ask.

‘Never trust a Siamese’ zaid Le Uncle.

‘What iz ‘e going to do,’ ah zay, ‘Fart me?’

‘Son’ zaid LeUncle, and ah just know ah am in for a big lecture all in Australian.
‘When a Siamese cat farts they can clear an entire forest in two seconds’.

Now finally ah understand le meaning of la ‘oly crap.

It has been 4 months since ah was rudely ejected from mah Muzzerr’s womb.

Having ejected me in such an abrubt fashion,
ah find it somewhat spooky zat she now insist on following me everywhere.

Mah Uzzerr Muzzerr come over to take some photographs
of me for some magazine or uzzerr.

Such is  mah fame.

Le Uncle watched as le paparazzi flap about
but ah remain where ah am.

Such is le adoration people ‘ave for me, zey cue up to collect mah toenail clippings.
One such fan arrive today.

Ah cannot be bothered to get up.

Le Uncle was a bit concerned. ‘Crikey’ he zay, ‘they could remove your whole hoof’.

“Come on Son,’ he zay, ‘You need to get up’.
But ah am warm and comfortable,
‘Peel me a grape’ ah zay sleepily, although ah ‘ave no idea what a grape iz.

‘What have you done to him?” zay Le Uncle to mah adoring fan.
‘Nothing’, she said, ‘he won’t get up’.

Why should ah? Ah do not need to get up.

Finally ah am made to get up. Uzzerr Muzzerr zay ah ‘ave to
and there iz no argueing wiz ‘er.
Ah ‘ave tried..

Ah cannot see le point but ah do az ah am told.
Ah also manage to almost unbuckle le belt on le adoring fan’s trouseurs.

Zen le fan holds up mah back foot for me. It iz nice of ‘er to take le weight off for me.
Uzzerr Muzzerr wants to get a photo of zis but iz worried
zat there iz no one to ‘old on to me…pfffft.

‘Ah will ‘old onto mahzelf’ ah zay ‘elpfully.

People can be zo stupeed zumtimes.