Today, Le Uncle Persil and ah got la chatting.
When mah Muzzerr looked over ah very cleverly pretend to ‘ave died but ah ‘ad to keep checking to zee if my Muzzerr realised. She never zeem to notice when ah die.

Uncle Persil told me zat ah should try to keep mah eyez closed.
Ee said she would know zat ah waz dead immediately zen.
So ah cloze mah eyez tight.

That’s it son, ee zaid, keep them closed.

Ah listen to Le Uncle telling tales for hourz and ah end up going to sleep,
when ah wake up…

Zere is le orrible zight zat await me.
My muzzerr appearz to ‘ave taken er teeths out!

Ah get zuch a fright ah ave to lean against ‘er and zen ‘ave a drink.

Zen ah talk to my Muzzer about it.
Muzzerr I zay, you need to put your teeths back in before you go to zleep.

Zen, a bit ztupidly, ah realize later, ah continue…

Uncle Persil sayz any stallion oo zeez you wiz no teeths get a terrible fright Muzzerr and would ave to ave counzelling for life.

Alzo ee zayz  you ave a big fat arze so le combination of zees zings, well, you know…

When Le Uncle Persil eard what ah waz telling ‘er, ee lost iz appetite…

Mah Muzzerr did not zay very much, but le next thing ah know she iz stomping down le paddock towards Le Uncle.
Zis cannot be a good sign ah zay to mahself, ah waz only trying to be ‘elpful.

Le Uncle looked worried.

Ah try to delay ‘er using le brilliant tactic of ‘ah ave a sore leg right ‘ere’
But it does not work.
Ah should ‘ave tried being dead again.

Le Uncle Persil is once again not allowed within 1 metre of me.

And ah am keeping mah big mouth le shut.

Today, zanks to me, zere was a brief breakthrough in paddock relations.
My Muzzerr waz too ‘ot to care for me zo she ‘anded me over to my Uncle zo ah pretended ah waz dead again.
Le Uncle, ‘e waz very concerned.

Maate, he said, are you OK?

Of course ah am not OK ah reply, can’t you see, ah am dead.

Maaate, are you sure? Ee said in zat ridiculouz Australian accent of ‘is, because if that’s the case, someone had better have a yarn to your Mother.

OK I said, I give up, ahm not really dead, but ah iz too ‘ot

It’s hot alright, he said, it’s as dry as a frogs left armpit.
Ah imagine a frogs left armpit and zis make me laugh out loud.

A frogs left armpit, ah sniggered, in a worldly zort of knowing way.
Ah did not admit to not ‘aving come across any direction froggy armpit before.

My Muzzerr, sayz it is az dry az a bag of chaff I zaid.

Ahh, said Le Uncle, well we won’t mention anything about a frogs armpit to her then.
Mum’s the word.
I wazn’t sure zen if ‘e waz talking about My Muzzer’s armpit  –  which in mah experience iz very ‘airy.

Tell you what Mate, ‘e said…and ah waz all earz…

Has anyone told you you look like Elvis?
Elvis oo? Ah zaid before ah could ‘alp muhself.

It’s this hairstyle you’ve got going, he said.

DON’T touch Le ‘air! I yelled but it waz too late.

My Muzzerr, she spend a lot of time on my ‘air and she waz furious.
Ah ‘ad to get up zen.

And zo zat waz zat, Le Uncle Persil is banned from mah company.

Today, mah Muzzerr is still grumpy.

Ah may ave tricked er wiz what le Uncle Persil calls ‘The Old Stone Trickaroo’.
‘E is Australian.

Muzzerr, Muzzerr! ah yelled, Look, mah tongue ‘as turned to stone.

Look it ‘az…

Between you and me, by zen it waz stuck to my teeths…

Once ah got rid of le stone ah looked for zomezing else to do…

Muzzerr, Muzzerr!, look ah ave a big fang…

Tusks, Muzzerr?

She ‘as been in a terrible bad mood lately – ah do not know why.

Muzzerr, Muzzerr, ah yell, you ‘ave got a big fat bottom.

Luckily mah Uncle Persil got le blame for zat one.

Ah make sure she get er exercise…

Zen all of a zudden ah am zent off to  spend time wiz my imaginary friend.
Luckily, ee is very nice.

Ah consult my imaginary friend…why is mah Muzzerr so grumpy already?
What ave ah done?

But zen we got talking about ‘ow ‘andzome ah am and we talked for ‘ourz on zis zubject…

And finally ah ‘ad to find la Milky Bar before ah starve to death.

But quelle orror, ah am not allowed a drink until ah apologize for being a bad boy.
Ah ad forgotten all about it but I found out zat Muzzerrs – zey ave a very long memory.