Today, waz an exciting day...

My Muzzerr and Le Uncle and ah, ‘ad a picnic in a new paddock.
There were other ‘orzes ‘aving a picnic on the other zide of le fence, we could ‘ear all zere raucous be’aviour.

Zen Le Uncle made a big mistake.
‘E recognise an old girlfriend through le fence and ‘e call ‘er…

Of course my Muzzerr notice this and she stop eating.
Thiz iz never a good zign, even ah know zat.

Just between you and ah, My Muzzerr  waz beginning to be OK about Le Uncle until ‘e started to make le phone callz to ‘iz old girlfriend.

Next zing I know ah am being dragged away from Le Uncle again and my Muzzerr, she iz shouting ‘orrible stuff at la ‘tart’ next door.

I waz zo embarrassed…

Ah sneak back later and talk to ‘er through le trees.

She iz very nice. Ah tell ‘er zat zere iz nothing wrong with being  ‘an old slapper’.
Then she smile at me and it waz ‘anus orribilus’.

Le Uncle Persil zaid ah probably shouldn’t ‘ave said zat.

Zen along came La Muzzerr and Le Uncle Persil zuddenly very busy doing other stuff.

Later thiz day, My Muzzerr and Le Uncle get a manicure but everyone ignore me zo naturally ah pretend ah am dead.
Zis always getz attention ezpeically from Mah Zecond Muzzerr. She panic about everyzing. Zen ah actually fell asleep waiting for everyone to notice ah ‘ave died az usual and next zing ah know ah am getting a manicure while ah am asleep pretending to ‘ave died…

Ah am extremely clever and open mah eyez just a little bit to zee what iz going on zo le manicurist still believe ah am dead and ‘e carry on.
It feel zo nice I stay where ah am but zum’ow le manicurist notice ah am not dead and ah am rudely made to get up.

My Muzzerr and ah zen go and get a feed.

She iz still pizzed at Le Uncle about la ex-girlfriend next door, ‘oo iz a blonde eggshell Le Uncle zay.

LeUncle try to explain Madame Blonde Eggshell not a patch on my Muzzerr.
But My Muzzerr zay ‘e can get a dog.

Zo ‘e does.

Quelle ‘orreour! today la sun go on ‘oliday and somebody turn on a big sprinkler system.

At first, ah am not impressed and try to stay under la trees.
Ah do not want to be sprinkled and besides ah ‘ave to listen to mah Muzzerr grumping on a bout Le Uncle. On and on she go.

It is getting boring so ah decide to visit Le Uncle ‘oo is under la trees being not boring
but mah Muzzerr follow me.

So zen ah make a break for it.

Uncle, ah yell, Uncle, ah am coming to play wiz you.

But mah Muzzerr, she a very embarressing ‘orze at le best of timez,
she march me out of zere again.

Zen she bring me over to my ozzer Muzzerr ‘oo is standing around as usual doing nozzing much at all.

Here, she say, please do something with this young man, he is being a pain in the bum.
Ah cannot believe mah earz, ah am NOT a pain in Le Bum.

But ah am made to spend time with mah ozzer Muzzerr which is anus ‘orribilus
(Uncle Persil taught me zat one)
All my Uzzer Muzzer want to do is kizz me and ah am far too old for zat zort of carry on now.

After suffering through about 150 kizzes and cuddles which iz very embarrassing andcould damage my personality forever (Zo zay Le Uncle)
Ah zink ah deserve a drink.

Today, mah Muzzerr is very grumpy with me (again) for reasonz ah can not understand.

Ah suppose it could be zumthing to do with my mentioning that she look like a
large ‘airy shark.
OK ah could ‘ave been more polite.

Zen ah pretend to be a remora fish. Zey attach themselves to sharks.

But mah Muzzerr did not want to be attached to anyzing.

Ezpecially not me.
So ah get afraid she might eat me.

Zo ah decided to attach mahself to a outriggeour on le fence post.

It’s not quite le same az being attached to a large ‘airy shark –
ah miz le element of dangeur.

Zo zen ah ‘ave a brilliant idea.
Ah become a bluez muzician and ah play le ‘armonica.

Zere iz no better musician anywhere in le paddock.

Zank, you, zank you very much, you’re beautiful ah zay modestly after ah ‘ave finished mah riff.

Muzzerr ah zay after le concert, Muzzerr….

Muzzerr, ah know you are not really a large ‘airy shark ah zay.
You don’t ‘ave a dorzal fin.