Being a french ‘orse, ah like to quaff le wine

Ah swirl eet round in mah mouths to get an idea of its nose. Muzzerr ‘as  a ‘airy nose.

This wine, for instance, ‘as a carroty nose blended with a ‘int of mud.

‘This is news to me’ said Muzzerr.

‘Imagine my surprise – my son – a celebrity wine connoisseur,’ she sighed happily.

Ah may ‘ave exaggerated to Muzzerr slightly, about mah celebrity status.

Ah mention to Le Uncle that thish wine ish a bit of a quaffer.

‘Crikey’ say Le Uncle, ‘should yoube onthepees at yourage?’

Of course, Le Uncle is Aushtralian and shtralians will shrink anything.

‘LUNCLE!’ ah shout, ‘ahm a shlebrity wine connosher’.

Eet was then that ah realised someone ‘as stolen mah tongue.

Le Uncle tell me mah Dad was ah Gun.
Ah ask Muzzerr about this – she still believe ah was a product of
immaculate contraption.

‘Muzzerr’, ah say, ‘ah know mah Dad was a Gun
so put your ‘ooves in le air and step away from mah wither’.

That stopped Muzzerr slobeuring on me.
Ah could feel ‘er thinking about this.
‘Where is this going Son?’ she ask.
‘Ah don’t know’ ah answer truthfully, ‘ah ‘ave to ask Le Uncle’.

‘Persil’ she growl and ‘er grooming begins to ‘urt me.
’I might have guessed’. Ah can not get away from ‘er fast enough, ah must gallop over and warn Le Uncle.

‘Le Uncle’ ah whisper, ah ‘ave to tell you you are een big trouble with Muzzerr’.

‘Crikey’’e say, ‘You Son of a Gun, what have oi done now mate?’

Ah realise ah can not tell ‘im that ah told Muzzerr
that ‘e told me ah was a Son of a Gun. Ah do not want to be in le’oly Crap.

Ah ‘ave to make something up fast.
So naturally, ah say le first thing that come to mah mind.
‘Muzzerr think you ‘ave been seeing your ex girlfriend again’ ah say, ‘you know le one – la Big BlondeTrolloppe”.

‘Holy Crap!’ shout le Uncle and ‘e gallop off to le opposite end
of le paddock from Muzzerr.

‘e stay down there all morning. Muzzerr ‘as forgotten what she ees mad
at ‘im about but still ‘e stay there with a worried look on ‘is face.

Ah spend le day ‘oping la big blonde trolloppe does not decide to turn up.
Ah do not think she would care that ah am le Son of a Gun.
Ah am a nervous Son of a Gun for le rest of le day.

Le wind blow so ‘ard today, mah lips nearly blow off mah face

Ah struggle to keep mah mouths closed.

Le wind, eet was blasting mah lips apart.

‘Ah cannot close mah mouths’ ah yell.

Of course, Muzzerr looks most concerned as ah continue.

‘Any minute now mah lips, they will blow right off mah face’.

Le wind lifted mah ‘ead up by la lip.

‘Muzzerr!’ ah shout, ‘ mah lips are about to take off any minute now’.

Then ah realise that la wind ‘as indeed caught me
by mah lips and ah cannot close them.

Suddenly there ees a break in la wind,
during which ah manage to snap mah mouth closed.

Ah open eet to say something and – Quelle ‘Orreur!
La wind blow mah tongue right out of mah mouths!

‘Le Uncle!’ ah shout, once ah get mah tongue back under control.

‘Ah now great Chinese war’ orze, Zephyr Fong’.

‘Look, Le Uncle,’ ah insist.
 

Le Uncle turns to Uzzerr Muzzerr. ‘Crikey’ ‘e say, ‘Seems to me there’s a whole bloody herd of kangaroos loose in the top paddock today’

Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e ees talking about. Ah do not see a single kangaroo anywhere.