Today was bit boring for a Lord like me so ah went to ‘ave a chat about eet wiz Le Uncle.

‘Le Uncle’, ah zay, ‘ah am a bit bored today’.

‘What shall we do?’

Le Uncle zinks for a bit. Ah give ‘im a nudge to ‘elp wiz ‘iz zinking.

‘Le Uncle,’ ah zay, ‘what iz this knob ‘ere?’

Of course ah know what le knob iz, eet where le brain look out.

‘LE UNCLE!’ ah yell, because ‘e ‘as gone to sleep.

‘Fair suck of the sav’ say Le Uncle, ‘You are being a total tossa’.

Ah ‘ave to zink a bit to translate zat.
Ah zink what ‘e mean iz, zat Fearzuck Ovlasav is a tidal tossa.
‘Oo iz Fearzuck Ovlasav and ‘oo tossed ‘im in le sea?’

Mah lips are sealed, ah do not want to confess ah know no such Tidal Tossa.

Zuddenly, Le Uncle ‘az a brilliant idea.

‘Son’, ‘e zay, ‘I’ve got a brilliant idea’.

Ah am all ears though quite frankly ‘e don’t look zat brilliant.

‘You’ve got thees poofta show coming up in a few days’, he said.

‘Ah ‘ave, yes; ah ‘ave no idea what a ‘Poofta’ Show iz but ah know ah ‘ave to go’.

‘Well,’ ‘e zay, ‘you would look a lot more ‘showy as it were,
if ya plastered a bit of colour on ya’.

‘Your Other Mother would be thrilled to bits to find you’d
changed into a pinto overnight, son’.

Ah thought about zis and zen decided it a very good idea.

Ah stood around inconspicuously waiting for Uzzerr Muzzer to come in and be overjoyed to find a new ‘orze waiting for ‘er.
‘e ‘e ‘eeee’ ah sniggered.

When she finally come into la paddock, she ‘ave a ‘eart attack.
She stomp up and down and roll ‘er eyes and foam at le mouth.
Ah may ‘ave exaggerated about le eyes rolling.

Ah ask Madame Possovitz what le problem iz, but zis cat zink she iz Ghengis Khan.
(We know all about Ghengis Khan because Uzzer Muzzerr iz reading abook all about ‘im)

She just zit and stare at me and ah ‘ave no idea what she iz zinking.

Or if she zinks at all. Ah suspect not.

Quite frankly zat cat look le same when she laugh az she does when she mad.

Here she iz laughing uproariously at zumzing…

And now she about to rip mah ‘ead off.

Anyway, apparently ah ‘ave zum explaining to do.
Ah check under Muzzerr’s tum for an exploding device le Uncle zay she keep there for situations just like zis one.

All ah zee iz Monsieur Mooster glaring at me.
‘It’s shampoo time for you Matey Boy’ he said.

Le Uncle zee Uzzerr Muzzerr coming back wiz a big bottle of ‘oly Crap.
‘OLY CRAP ‘e yell and ‘e dizappear az ‘e always does when zere iz any sign of le ‘oly crap, and ah am left to be shampooed in it.

Today Muzzerr and ah were rudely interrupted from our ‘oovering and told to march into le mouth of la monster.

Of course ah am not afraid to do zis, zo, after allowing Muzzerr to be eaten up first, ah follow.

Ah am still quite interested in le monsters tonsils which Le Uncle assures me are somewhere at le back of le throat ‘ere.

Ah can’t zee zem.  Per’aps ‘e ‘ad zem removed.

Ah go up for a closer look.

Zen le Monster closes ‘is jaws and we are trapped while ‘e gallomphs around le countryside.
When ‘e eventually decides to eject us, we are in a brand new place but it is OK because some’ow Uzzerr Muzzerr iz ‘ere too.
Ah decide to train La Uzzerr Muzzerr. ‘Ere’, ah zay, ‘step over zis. Zo she does.

‘Come on’ ah zay, ‘lift your knee ‘igh like zis’.

Zen ah take La Uzzerr Muzzerr for a walk.
‘Do not worry Muzzerr’, ah zay, ‘ah can ‘andle ‘er’.
Muzzerr iz still watching me, ah know it.

Zo ah ‘ave to be’ave mahzelf. Ah am in enough trouble az it iz from yesterday.

Bezides, when ah am a good boy, Uzzerr Muzzerr knows just ‘ow to scratch me.

Zen Uzzerr Muzzerr and ah find some challenges.
Ah bravely show Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘ow to tackle such zings.

Ah do not know why she iz zo pleased wiz ‘erself,
she would not even put ‘er ‘ooves on it.

Zere are uzzer ‘orzes ‘ere. Zis one iz very beautiful but she do not know ‘ow to walk over a bridge properly so…

Ah show ‘er.

‘Zere’ah zay, ‘now you do it’.

Next zing ah zee ‘er climbing up on top of a platform.
‘Do not do zis” ah shout, but it iz too late.
Ah ‘ave to talk ‘er down. Ah did not realise she would get zo depressed about being shown what to do by a foal prodigy.

Zen along come mah Dad and ‘e want me to train ‘im too.

‘Up ‘ere like zis, Dad’ ah zay, but ah do not really zink ‘e should do zis.

It iz a dangerous maneuvere zat should only be attempted by brave ‘orzes like mahself.

Zen ah demonstrate going le uzzerr way.

Of course no way iz mah Dad going to set ‘oof on zis bridge.

‘e too scared, but ah am not.

Finally, ah am back inside le mouth of la monster and we end up back at ‘ome.
Ah ave a lot to talk to Le Uncle about but first ah must ‘ave a nap.

Ah am in le big trouble again and Le Uncle won’t talk to me

Ah ask Le Uncle to teach me zumzing Australian to zay to zumone ‘oo annoy me.
Ah forgot to mention it waz Mah Muzzerr.
‘Son’ ‘e zay, ‘you about as useful as a one-legged horse in an arse kicking contest’.

Ah do not know what it means but ah remember it anyway.

Later when Muzzerr will not let me ‘ave a drink ah can not ‘elp mahzelf, ah ‘ave to zay it.

’Muzzerr’, ah zay, ‘Le Uncle zay you are about az yousefull as a one-lagged ‘orse in a nice keecking conteest’
And ah zay it in Australian because ah can.

Zen ah step back and wait for le reaction.

‘PERSIL!’ she says all quiet and scary, ‘PERSIL BEAUCOUP you come here and answer to this’.

Le Uncle look like ‘e ‘az seen le ‘oly Crap. Zen ‘e dissappear.

Muzzerr, az rolled up ‘er sleaves and stubbed out ‘er cigarrette.
(Ah may ‘ave exagerated about le cigarette).

Even La Dung Bird iz sensing a ‘Oly Crap and ‘e stop what ‘e iz doing.

‘e look all over for it.

Ah ‘elp’im look.
Muzzerr stands and wait for Le Uncle to return.

But ’e iz staying away and ah can’t find Le ‘Oly Crap.
‘Muzzerr’, ah zay, ‘Listen to me woman’…
and now ah am pretending to be ‘Umphrey Bogart

‘Where ‘ave you ‘idden le ‘oly crap?’

She sighs loudly and rolls ‘er eyes.

Ah pretend to be a big ‘airy shark.

Only ‘ah ‘ave to practise le big bite.

Le Pooches zink ah am a very funny chap.

Zey know brilliance when zey zee it.

Zuddenly Muzzerr stop le frowning and smile at me.

Everyone iz smiling.

Ah am laughing wiz la reliefs…

until Muzzerr remind me zat for zum unknown reason, ah am still in le big trouble.