Today, zere waz a problem.
Ah decide zat if mah Muzzerr and Le Uncle are going to keep arguing over oo gets to be wiz me, ah shall lie down and pretend to be dead right in between zem both. So ah did.

When I checked to zee ow upset zey were…
(very craftily, keeping muh eyes closed of course because ah was meant to be dead)

Uncle Persil was examining is toenails – nobody told me ee was gay

And my Muzzer, she waz zo buzy pulling le faces at le Uncle she ad not even noticed ah was dead not even when ah zat up.

Quite frankly, ah was astonished.
Zis is muh astonished look.

Zen ah stopped being astonished –
it was getting boring and ah decided ah needed a drink.

Ze problem wiz drinking, iz zat it cannot be undertaken lying down, even by me.
One must sort ones legs out and get up.

As I was drinking it occurred to me just why my Muzzerr ‘ates Le Uncle.
Ee watches er while she breast feed. Naturally, she is embarrassed.

Even le sheeps watch.
Zis iz Madame Moulamb Rouge, she ‘az a french name but she iz not french –
she iz a sheeps.

Gollamb, ‘ee alzo watch but ‘e iz just a baby sheeps.

Zere is no need to be embarrassed I zaid to my Muzzerr. But she merely grimaced.

Australian males, she zaid, they get bored very quickly.
Apparently, according my Muzzerr, zey ave a short attention span and very bad mannerz.

Follow my lead she say; pretend to be asleep. Ah am a diligent zon.

Ha! she said, several hours later (at least it felt like several hours)
He has gone now, you can wake up, My Son, we outfoxed him.

Later on during an exhausting photo session, (Ah am a star you zee) Le Uncle Persil got mah Muzzerr back.
Eee photo-bombed our Muzzerr/Zon shoot.
It was going in Vague Magazine.

Today ah beg my Muzzerr, plez let me play wiz Le Uncle Persil

She said No, so ah ‘ad to bite err. Nobody tells me No!

And zen ah gallop away from er to play wiz my Uncle.
Ah do not need my Muzzer, ah am a big boy now.

Ah gallop so fast my Muzzer was left wondering what le blur in le paddock waz.

To tell you le truth, once ah got galloping about, ah forgots all about le Uncle Persil

Bezides, ah saw a uge cat stalking me  – it le zame one stole mah tail last time.

This time ‘e ‘ave no chance to get mah tail, ah am on to ‘im in a flash.

Get out! ah shouts bravely, zis iz Mah Place.

‘Owever, ah waz not expecting la cat to chase me back.

Luckily, ah waz able to swerve and avoid le fierce fat furry paws that came up at me.
Ah  could have been killed!

After deciding to change direction ah cantered nonchalently long le fence line to impress la sheeps. Ah ‘ave to show zem ah am not afraid.

To tell you le truth it does not take much to impress a sheeps.
Zey look impressed everytime ah ‘ave a pooh.

Zen, ah realised, le cat had brought back up cats, zuddenly zere were four of zem!

Ah ‘az to run so fast back to my Muzzer,  ah can not be zeen by le naked eye.
(Or a clothed one for zat matterrr)

Luckily mah Muzzerr’s backside is good for stoppage at igh speed.

Muzzer ah zaid, it was ‘orrible, ah could ave been eaten.

Ah did not really believe zat but ah waz able to get a drink out of ‘er.

Le Uncle Persil, ‘e roll ‘iz eyes at me.

Today, zomezing new ‘appen…

Le Uncle Persil came to live wiz uz.

My Muzzerr and ah watched with trepidation as ‘e check out ‘er ‘oovering…

Just between you and me ah have to zay zat my Muzzer is obsezzed wiz mah Uncle.

Don’t go near him she said, of course I said I would not do such a zing. He he eh.

At least zat is what I tell err.

She believe me too.

Zen, because ah cannot resizt, ah ask err – Muzzer, ah zaid, is ee my Fazzer?

Lord knows ee is andzome enough.

Good grief NO! she said, he certainly is not, I would never go out with the likes of him, he, she said, is Australian you know.

And she led me away.

Le Uncle Persil, ee is a cheeky orze, ee zen blew err a big lipsmacking kiss.

Ah ope ah can be just like im when ah grow up. Ptup ptup, note to zelf, find out from le Uncle Persil exactly ow to kiss – and should ah use my tongue or no?