Le Uncle Persil told me ah should present Uzzerr Muzzerr wiz a gift.

‘Ere’, ah said, ‘you ‘ave zis, it taste ‘orrible’.

Ah could not believe she did not want  ‘er gift.
‘Oo does not lark a gift?’

Ah went back to ‘ave ah talk to Le Uncle about zis. ‘Oi’, ah said,
‘you told me to give ‘er a gift but she do not lark eet’.

‘Crikey mart’ ‘e replied, ‘no need ta chucka wobb lee’

‘Ya don’t hear me whinjinon about eet dooya?’ ‘e say.

On and on went Le Uncle, of course ah ‘ave no idea what
‘e eez saying ah do not understand Australian but ah know
a good game of ‘ad it up to ‘ere when ah see one.

‘e stops talking so ah give ‘im a kiss. ‘E so surprised ‘is ‘air stand on end.

‘e must be getting soft een ‘is old age because ‘e do nuzzing.

Zo ah kiss ‘im again. ‘e look a bit embarrassed.

‘Marrrt’ ‘e say, ‘you blah blah stop thees keesing lark’.
Because ‘e look so serious ah put on mah serious look too.
Ah still ‘ave no idea what ‘e just said.

Zen ‘e nudges me and pretty soon we are playing  a serious game of ‘ad it up to ‘ere.

‘MUZZERR’ ah yell, ‘as ‘ad eet up to ERE!’

“Where?” shout Le Uncle.

“Has she had it up to here?”

“or here?”

“what about here?”

‘Bonza’ ‘e roar, ‘You luddle rippa’

So ah am a Luddlerippa now, ah thought ah ‘ad become a Gulding.
Ah was zinking about this when Le Uncle made la last move and won le game.

And zen, all of a sudden; quelle ‘orreur; ‘e, kiss me!

It ‘as been a week now since ah ‘ad to witness a man walking bout een
‘orrible blue overalls, ah watch as life goes on all around me.

Ah stick close to Uzzerr Muzzer when she come to le paddock.

Ah try to be a ‘elpful boy.

Ah do what ah can though mah wounds are
far from ‘ealed and ah could die at any minute.

Uzzerr Muzzerr tell me not to worry – ‘Bugger off’ she say,
‘she will take care of eet’ she say.

But ah cannot bare to see ‘er work all alone.

So ah get on le end of le rake and move eet around a bit.

Soon ‘owever ah find mahself tiring. Mah injuries ‘ave not yet ‘ealed
and if ah am too ‘elpful ‘oo know what might ‘appen.
Besides le rake does not taste so good.

Muzzerr eez worried about me, ah can tell.

Ah ‘elp ‘er with le ‘oovering.

Suddenly Le Uncle yell at me to come and watch ‘im rap.
‘E eez a ‘Clip Clop’ artist.

Ah ‘ave to admit ‘e eez very good. Eet takes mah mind off le pain.

Zen ‘e does sumzing called Le Planking. ‘E stays lark zis for a long time.
Hours go by and still Le Uncle remain in position.
Then ‘e start snoring.

‘Oo knew Le Uncle, ‘oo eez elderly, could be so ‘ip.

Yesterday was ‘annus ‘orribilus.

Ah waz attacked by a man een a blue overall
– a ‘orrible sight een eetself.

Ah should not ‘ave to zee someone dressed like zis.

Just between you and me, if someone wants to attack me,
zey should do eet wiz some style.

Ooh eet waz a terrible ordeal. Ah was given drugs
to ‘elp me cope wiz le fashion impediment.

Ah do not know eef ah can carry on. Excuse me a moment.

Ah feel quite ill just zinking about eet.

Ah zink ah am going to die. Ah am een all sorts of pain.
‘Oo know what ah got up to een mah drugged out state of mind?

Ah am dead now. Mourn for me.

What? Are you still ‘ere? Le Carrot you zay?

On be’alf of ‘orzes everywhere ah may be able to manage one small carrot…

A BAG of carrots you zay?

Eet eez a struggle but ah make eet to mah feets.
Ah bravely squeeze down a carrot or two.

Le Uncle ‘az ‘is concerned look on. “Crikey” ‘e zay,
‘You look about as useful as an ashtray on a racehorse’.
Being  Australian, ‘e know nuzzing about being useful.

Muzzerr eez ‘ere to support me which eez more zan she was yesterday.
Ah ‘ave anuzzer carrot.

Yesterday she took one look at le blue overall and run away.
Le carrot make me feel a bit better now.

She left me wiz le man wearing blue overalls – what kind of Muzzerr does zis ah ask?
‘One’oo need anuzzer carrot,’ ah zay.

Muzzerr ‘as ‘er ‘Quite Interested’ look on ‘er face.
‘Son,’ she whisper, ‘you should not have taken those drugs’.

Le carrot supply look like eet eez getting dangerously low.
Ah am een desperate need of anuzzer carrot, ah could perish any minute.

‘Ah waz forced to take le drug,’ ah sigh as ah eat mah carrot.

‘Yeah right,’ zay Le Uncle, ‘Just like someone is forcing you take those carrots’.

‘Not quite’ ah reply, ‘ah always remember what ‘as ‘appened after ah eat a carrot’.

Suddenly Muzzerr notice zumzing.

‘Son,’ she snort, ‘Something is missing’.

Well of course ah know what eez missing.

A ‘ole bag of carrots, and zere eez only one ‘orze to blame.