Just as ah think ah mart die of le boredom, today ah ave le visiteurs.
‘My Little Boy,’ cry Uzzeur Muzzeur.
Ah run oveur to ‘er and ‘old ‘er tart.
Ah can not ‘elp mahself, it ‘as been two day since ah last saw ‘er.
ah am not even mad at ‘er for calling me ‘er Little Boy’

Then ah notice le Dud. ”ave you got mah carrot?’ ah demand.
‘e is looking at la girls oveur le fence.

‘Zephyr,’ ‘e say, ‘you know you are not allowed carrots’.
Sadly, ah do.

‘Uzzeurr Muzzeurr,’ ah say, ‘Dud said ah could now ‘ave les carrot’
It was worth ler try.

Uzzeurr Muzzeurr will not let me go, she  slobbeur all oveur me lark ah some big arse cream. There is still no sign of le carrot.

Ah am guessing that instead of les carrots, she ‘as brought me clean fresh ironed underpants, named for each day of le week.
She probably ‘as mah clean pair of pyjamas and ‘opefully, le picnic lunch.
Ah try to kiss ‘er ah am so ‘appy to see ‘er. Ah aim for ‘er farce and close l’eye.

‘Did you bring mah lunch?’ ah ask ler Dud when ah finally get bored with kissing Uzzeur Muzzeur

‘Next time Son’ ‘e say, ‘if you be a good boy I’ll bring you a whole bag of carrots next time we visit, it will be our little secret’.
Ah am now sworn to secrecy at le ‘ighest level. Ah can not wait to tell la girls.

Ah check ler Dud’s sleave just incase ‘e ‘as ‘idden le spare carrot up there.
‘e ‘as not. ‘You can go now’ ah say. Ah ‘ave ‘ad enough of le visiteurs, besard,  la girls oveur le fence are busting to talk with me.

Ah shall tell them about l’oliday in April in l’uge field with Muzzeurr and ‘er imbicile boyfriend.
Ah can not even bring mahself to say ‘is name…

It is day 4 of le Boot Camp.
Ah ‘ave been sent ‘ere as ler punishment for complaining about Muzzeur’s ‘orrible imbecile of le boyfriend.
‘ere you see me with le prison guard and ‘torturer’ Monsieur Roar Eee. ‘e does not roar.
Just between you and me, ah quite lark ‘im. Do not tell la Muzzeurrs, they think ah am being punished.

As Muzzeurr ‘as kindly come to watch le ‘torture’ today – ah will pretend ah do not lark it.

‘Ooh arrr,’ ah groan, and ah put on le most pained expression while ah am being stroked with le flag.Next  l’impet is thrown on top of me once again – ‘e ‘ug me to le warm and fluffy limpet breast.
Ah ‘suffeur’ through this. ‘Look Muzzeurr’, ah moan, ‘ah am suffeuring’.

Suddenly ah notice la new girlfriends (ah ‘ave many admirers ‘ere) are all watching me through le fence.
Ah show them le burst of lartening speed. ‘ang on tart L’impet’ ah instruct.

Monsieur Roar Eee (‘oo does not roar) once again ‘e try to wrestle le ‘airy  l’impet from mah back. L’impet will not let go.
Ah do not care, ah am becoming quite attached to L’impet.

Then – Quel génie! Le genius Monsieur Roar Eee come up with le plan to sit on le Limpet.

Tarm stand still. No one dare to move.

Except me of course.
Enough of this ah say, you do what you want, ah see la girls through le fence admiring mon bravery and ah forgot all about le Monsieur Roar Eee and Le Limpet on mah back.

Suddenly, ah am asked to remember; ah ‘ave to turn around. Ah can do this.
Ah now see it mah job to make sure l’imbecile on mah back  do not fall off. Ah am careful.

It is tricky sterf to balance un l’imbicile along with un limpet but ah do it, la girls are depending on it.

Ah am suddenly aware of Uzzeur Muzzeur ‘oo sit up ‘igh above, making ridiculous oohing and ahhing noises.

‘Good little Boy’ she shout. This is getting embarrassing. Ah am not a little boy any more.

Once again ah spot la girls through le fence. ‘Bonjour Madames’ ah say. They love l’accent.
‘Do not listen to Uzzeur Muzzeur ‘igh above’ ah whisper, ‘she talk about Monsieur Roar Eee ‘ere on mah back; ‘e is le good little boy’.

Monsieur Roar Eee ‘oo still does not roar ask me to go a little faster. Seeing as ‘e is so polite, ah do – but not too fast – ah do not want ‘im to fall off.

Ah am concentrating ‘ard. This is mah concentrating ‘ard look. Ah am also ‘oping, la girls through le fence are watching.

All of le sudden, we ‘ave finished, ah was not even tortured. Actually ah am enjoying mahself. Ah do not want to finish yet, ah ‘ave moves ah ‘ave not yuet shown la girls, but it is oveur. Now ah will ‘ave to suffeur Muzzeurs ‘ugs and kisses.
Ah will report some more when ah get tarm, it is difficult to find le tarm to balance mah job with la girls and then ‘ave to report to you.

Eet ‘as been le year since ah last wrote le blog yet ah do not apologise.

Uzzeurr Muzzeurr is at fault ‘ere, she ‘as been resisting mah attempts to get ‘er to take le dictation. Much ‘as ‘appen since ah last wrote which ah must fill you in on.

L’Uncle fell asleep in February and did not get up again. We did not know what to do at first. We ‘ung out together and Uzzeurr Muzzeur leak water out of  l’eye for many le week all over Muzzeur’s mane. Of course ah would not let ‘er get near mine.

Then le new ‘orze turn up out of le blue – ‘e introduce ‘imself as L‘oof ‘efner.

Naturally, ah inform ‘im politely that ‘e is ler big tosseurr and, incredibly, ‘e try to beat me up.

As ah ‘ave important stuff to attend to, ah leave mah defense in Muzzeur’s capable ‘ooves. Ah would ‘ave stayed and beaten ‘im to le pulp of course but duty call me.

‘e does not last ‘ere very long afteur ah suggest Uzzeurr Muzzeur lark to gallop non stop. Eh eh eh.

Next to arrive is le big lump of l’orze ooze name is L’oover. ‘e is la complete embicile.

Ah inform ‘im of this on mah way to do busy stuff. Muzzeur can deal with ‘im ah think.

But Quelle ‘orreur Muzzeur is nowhere to be found. Ah must deal with this embicile mahself. Ah give ‘im le run for ‘is money…

‘Bart mah Berm’ ah say to ‘im – ah did not mean it!

It was soon afteur this ah discoveur that L’embicile ‘as moved in as Muzzeur’s boyfriend! Ah cannot believe it. ‘Hoover is your new Step father’ she say. ‘e is not much oldeur than ah am! This is truly anus ‘orribilus.

‘Ah do not want le step father ‘ ah mutter but it is no good, ‘e ‘as moved in and ‘e act lark ‘e own ler place.

Apparently it was all le grumbling that sent me to Boot camp which is where ah am writing this from.

Ah am ‘ere to learn la manneurs apparently and to get used to carrying Uzzeur Muzzeur around on mah back. As if she cannot walk ‘erself!

Yesterday you would not believe what ‘appen.
Le big limpet with ler flapping arms and clangy bits get thrown onto mah back. It grab me around le gut and don’t let go.

Naturally ah am not going to put up with this so ah let fly with le most impressive moves anyone ‘ave eveur seen. Ah fly around at le speed of lart and still le limpet cling on.

Finally ah decide enough is enough, ah am le fair chappe, if le limpet need to ‘ug me, ‘e can and ‘e does. It is l’endearing moment until ah am rescued by le same man ‘oo ‘ustle me out of le bed.

‘e jump on top of le limpet and try to wrestle it to le ground. Ah do not mind, it is quite interesting and ‘e will remove l’impet which now think it mah best friend. It is not.

Eventually, afteur much struggle between le man and limpet, le man win and wrestle limpet to le ground. Ah am escorted back to le quarters where ah ‘ave food and la girlfriend right next door.
Ah will write more tomorrow. Nom nom nom.