Le Uncle ‘as a Photo Shoot in le forest with Uzzerr Muzzerr.

‘e take ‘is posing very seriously.

‘Ah ‘ave an important question Le Uncle,’ ah say.

‘Where ‘ave all your teefs gone, Huh? huh?’

‘Blah blah hairy leedle Clown,’ ‘e say, ‘e don’t actually say Blah blah but ah am not listening to what ‘e ees saying because ah am too busy thinking about why cannibals do not eat clowns’.

‘Ees eet true, Le Uncle, that cannibals do not eat clowns because they taste funny?’.

‘Mate.’ ‘e say, ‘Stop behaving likea spastic kookaburra and pissorf’.

‘Ah understand you up to le bit about Mate,’ ah said.
Eet ees very ‘ard to understand Australian.

‘Release le teefs’

‘Your teefs are being ‘eld ‘ostage and ah am ‘ere to rescue them; open up!’

‘Bouche bée, Le Uncle, you ‘ave a ‘ole army of teefs in there!’.

‘Can ah ‘ave another look Le Uncle, let me see le teefs’.

‘What do they do all day sitting around in your mouf?’

Today ah make a plan so cleveur, you could attach a milk bar to eet
and call eet Muzzerr.

‘LE UNCLE’ ah yell, ‘ALP, ALP. ah Talking Tree ‘as abducted me and
want’s to give you a couple of wishes before ‘e release me’.

By the time ‘e rush over ah am ‘idden be’ind a tree.
‘A talking tree huh?’ he say.
Ah reply een a voice that sound just lark a talking tree,
‘Allo Monsieur, ah am a talking tree
and ah ‘ave abducted your nephew’.

Le Uncle ‘as no idea le tree ees not talking at all. Eet ees me.
‘Crikey’ ‘e say, ‘a talking tree’.

‘Yes indeed, ah am a talking tree and ah will grant you a couple of wishes,
in return for le safe passage of your nephew, what are they?’ ah say.
‘Hang on just a minute Mate,’ say Le Uncle,
‘that’s not how eet ees supposed to go’.

‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN?’ ah say in mah big tree voice,
‘Well, you big Tossa,’ ‘e say, ‘eef you abduct someone you are meant
to ask me to give you something in return for the release of the abductee’.
Thees ees news to me. Ah ‘ave to think about thees.

‘Are you sure?’ ah ask in a treely sort of way.

‘Quite sure’ ‘e say.
‘Een that case, you must give me all your abductee een return of your adorable nephew’.

‘What adorable nephew?’ ‘e say.
Ah can not believe ‘e just say that.
‘Thees one right ‘ere and ah can also
tell you ‘e ees le most ‘andsome and brave little ‘orze ah ‘ave ever met’.
Le Uncle ‘eave a big sigh, ‘e ees clearly missing me so ah feel sorry for ‘im.

Ah sneak out a bit and nudge ‘im with mah nose.
‘Le Uncle,’ ah say, ‘ eet ees me, ah am back, what ‘as been ‘appening?’

‘e can not believe ‘is nose. Ah edge forward a bit more.
‘Yes Le Uncle, eet really ees me’.

‘ah ‘ad to fight le tree and ah kill ‘im with mah iron ‘ooves and ‘ere ah am’.
Le Uncle ees clearly overjoyed to see me again.

Ah can not believe ‘e think ah was abducted by a talking tree.

Le Uncle and ah are back in le paddock where ah first arrived.
Eet ees just ‘im and me.
This ees because of somebody ‘oo ees called Guy Fawkes ‘oo
might explode in le paddock. Ah would lark to see that.
Muzzerr as gone to a spa to get away from me for a bit.

Eet ees very boring staying with le Uncle, ‘e sleep a lot because ‘e eat too much.

Ah pull ‘is ear to wake ‘im up.

Of course ‘e does not realise eet ees me ‘oo pull ‘is ear, ah am too cleveur for that.
Ah race around beside ‘im as ‘e try to wake up and start my morning stretches.

‘Gud Moaning to you Le Uncle’.

Ah do mah yoga every morning. This is le Farting Dog pose.

‘e does not seem to ‘ave any intention of getting up, but we shall see about that.

Ah start by giving ‘im a vigorous massage.

‘Le Uncle’ ah say, ‘look what ah just found,
ah think eet ees a tiny saddle, right ‘ere’.

Le Uncle ignore me and go back to sleep, so ah wake ‘im up.

Ah bite ‘is chops.

‘PISSORF yahairy leedletossa’ ‘e say.
But ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e means, eet ees een Australian
so ah ignore ‘im.

‘Le Uncle’, ah say, ‘you ‘ave a phone call from Muzzerr’.
That woke ‘im up.
Of course, ‘e does not ‘ave a
phone call from Muzzerr, ‘e ‘as not even got a telephone.

But ‘e so sleepy ‘e ‘as not realised so ah continue.

‘She want to make sure you are playing with me’ ah say.
‘Eef you do not, she will come ‘ome and whup your bottom’.

‘Le Uncle, are you listening to me?’

Le Uncle start yelling at me in Australian.
‘e does not sound too complimentary.
Ah am ‘urt.

Ah start to cry. Ah can not ‘elp eet. Ah sniff and ah sob all over ‘im
and suddenly ‘e ees le one feeling bad.

We ‘ave a big ‘ug and make up. ‘Ah love you Le Uncle’ ah say.
‘Keep that to yerself son,’ growl Le Uncle.

Apparently, een Australia, geldings lark mahself and Le Uncle
do not tell each other they love each other,
but ah am french so ah say eet again, only louder and this time ah kiss ‘im.
‘e ‘ate eet when ah do thees.

Ah can not ‘elp mahself. Ah am going een for a big kiss,
ah am a stealthy leedle ‘orze so at first Le Uncle,
‘e ‘as no idea what ah am about to do.

Ah give ‘im a big french kiss on le chops. MMMMWAAAH.

Then, to show ‘im that was a ‘blokey’ type of kiss,
ah throw mah leg around ‘im een a blokey’ sort of casual way.
At least ah am ‘oping that ees what eet ees.

Only some’ow things go wrong and ah seem to be stuck.

Thees ees awkward.

Ah am not sure what to do now.

So ah ‘ave to ask Le Uncle.
‘Le Uncle,’ ah say, this ees awkward, you seem to ‘ave stuck to me’.

‘Fer Chrisakes’ ‘e say and ‘e sigh a big sigh.

‘Oh well, at least while ah am ‘ere ah might as well sing you a song,
ah will sing Walking Matihlda,’ ah announce, ‘e will lark that, eet ees Australian you know. Ah clear mah throat…

Without realising eet ‘ah am doing le Spinach walk in time to mah song.
Ah am le best Spinach Walker een le ‘ole Paddock.

And all of a sudden,  ah am free.
‘You are so beautiful to meeeeeeee’, ah sing.

‘Thank you, you’re beautiful’.