Le Uncle , ‘e ‘as taken up a new sport.

‘e lie upside down for ages.

Muzzerr told me not to stare but ah can’t ‘elp eet.

‘ow does ‘e do eet?

Ah try not to stare as ‘im but eet ees compulsive viewing.

Ah watch ‘im while ah pretend to give Muzzerr a new ‘airstyle.

Ah watch ‘im from be’ind Muzzer’s big bottom. Nobody can see me ‘ere.

Ah ‘ide be’ind Muzzerr and watch from all angles but ‘e still look le same.

Finally Muzzerr ‘as ‘ad enough.
‘OK Persil’ she yell, ‘You have made your point’.

Booyah!’ shout Le Uncle as ‘e roll over.

‘Little Auzzie Tossa’ mutter Muzzerr.

Le Uncle ees really enjoying ‘imself rolling around in le grass.

Just between you and me, Planking ees not all that ‘ard to do,
but now that Le Uncle ‘as become ‘Paddock Planking Champion’
we will never ‘ear le end of eet.

Muzzerr ‘ave a go at eet but she ees ‘opeless.
Ah try to ‘elp ‘er but she will not listen.

Le Uncle ees being a big ‘Know-all’ and ah for one ‘ave ‘ad enough.

‘Le Uncle,’ ah say, ‘what would ‘appen eef ah ‘ad no legs’.

Le Uncle look up at me, ‘Well, DUH’ ‘e say.

‘What?’ ah say, ‘what ees a Duh?’

‘DUUUH’ say Le Uncle again.

‘Huh?’ ah say.

‘Errr DUUUUUUH’.

Ah ‘ave a feeling ‘e ees being rude
so ah do what any ‘orze would do and ah pull ‘is tail.

Ah lift eet up and pull eet ‘ard.

Le Uncle try to walk off but ah ‘ave ‘im by le tail and ah am not letting go.

Muzzerr look up from where she ees flossing ‘er teefs, ‘Zephyr,’ she call, ‘ah would not do that if I was you’.

Suddenly Le Uncle whirl around and ‘e start going on and on at me een Australian. ‘Faircrack of thewhip My Son’ ‘e say, ‘yourheads aboutas fullas a fairy’s phonebook, now cutthelarking about and pullyahead in.’

Of course ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e ees on about but ah guess ‘e ees not
pleased with me so ah decide to pretend to ‘ave an attack of le colic.
Ah drop to le ground and roll around groaning fit to bust.

Le Uncle look concerned so ah carry on for a bit.
‘Ooooh arrrrr, ooooh arrrrrrrr’ ah shout.

Suddenly Monsieur Danny Boy appears, ‘Would ya take a look at dat’ ‘e say, ‘Da wee lad’s being a poirit, Oi remember da days when oi used to do such stuff’. And on and on ‘e went.

‘Is that what he’s being,’ interrupt  Le Uncle, before Monsieur Danny can get too carried away.
‘Here was me thinking he was playing the prawn on the barbeque’.

Ah realise eet ees time to stop ‘aving le colic. Ah wonder ‘ow to do thees without losing mah dignity completely.

Ah wait till Le Uncle ‘as gone away ….

and Monsieur Danny Boy ‘as ees eyes closed.

Then ah bounce up off le ground.

Ah stretch and exclaim loudly –
‘did you see that uzzerr ‘airy leetle boy ‘aving a tantrum on le ground –
‘ow embarrassing’.

Then ah go and ‘elp Monsieur Danny Boy with le ‘oovering.
Ah am a ‘elpful little boy.
Monsieur Danny Boy ‘e really does know stuff and ‘e ees awfully ‘airy.

This morning, we all decide to go on a picnic.

Le Paddock Imposteur, ‘oo go by le name of Danny Boy Paterson,
led us out through some tape and over le fence.
Eet was very exciting.

We stood on le uzzer side of le fence wondering what to do.

Then Uzzerr Muzzerr turn up and we all immediately
feel much better about being on le uzzerr side of le fence and start exploring le path.
Luckily Uzzerr Muzzerr obviously think thees ees a good idea as she follow along too…

Danny Boy Paterson, ‘e ‘as le cushions,
so obviously ah am going to run a’ead with le ‘orze ‘oo ‘as cushions.

Muzzerr decide to walk with Uzzerr Muzzerr  ‘oo look like she need a dose of AlleviateC.

Then as Danny and ah  trot a’ead, le Muzzerrs’ start shouting to us.
‘Zephyr! You Come back here right now’, they shout.

‘Do not worry Muzzerrs’ ah say, ‘we will ‘ave le cushions all set for you
both  to lie down on by le time you get there’.

‘ZEPHYRRRR!!!!!!’ Muzzerr yell
‘He has not got cushions, he has….’, but ah can’t quite catch what ‘e does ‘ave..

‘Don’t you worry your pretty little head’ said Le Uncle to Muzzerr,
‘I’ll make sure they brought the cushions ‘. At least ah think that ees what ‘e say.
And ‘e trot off after us.

Uzzerr Muzzerr and Muzzerr are coming too, ah ‘ave never seen Uzzerr Muzzerr trot out like that. Ah ‘ad no idea she could do such an extended trot. We all trot faster just to see ‘ow fast she can go.

Finally we reach a paddock just up le road where uzzerr ‘orzes are.
Danny Boy, ‘oo ees Irish, say something about needing to check on
a mare to see if she might be ‘good forago’.
Ah briefly wonder what Forago ees, then ah look for ‘ees cushions but Muzzerr ees right for once. ‘e ‘as forgot le cushions.

Next thing ah know, Uzzerr Muzzerr and Muzzerr ‘ave
caught up with us and Uzzerr Muzzerr seem very upset.
Before ah can suggest she syringe in some GrazeEzy along with le AlleviateC to calm ‘er down, We ‘ave to  march back to le paddock.

Ah try to explain that ah thought we were going for a picnic and ‘ow
we would lie about on Danny’s cushions in le sun and gossip about Mare stuff…

But Muzzerr will not listen, she ees giving me what Le uncle call le Earbashing.
Ah close mah eyes so ah do not ‘ave to listen to ‘er.

But mah ears are bashed.

So we all put our ‘eads down and do le ‘oovering.

Later ah ask Le Uncle what ‘appen to le cushions.

‘Sport,’ ‘e say, ‘you will have to ask Danny Boy that one I’m afraid’.

Ah ask Danny Boy.
‘Arrr now sunny boy’, ‘e say, ‘we be acting the maggot another day, watch this space to be sure’. ‘E say a ‘ole lot of other stuff too but ah cannot believe ‘ow ‘airy ‘e ees.

In le mean time Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘as put Le Uncle in charge of watching Danny Boy. Apparently we are not allowed to go on any more picnics.