Muzzerr, dragged me over to Uzzerr Muzzerr when she came to see us.

‘This hairy little boy has something he wants to say to you’ she said.

It ‘as been raining all day and ah ‘ave been a bit bored.
Ah may ‘ave mentioned to Madame Possovitz zat Le Uncle
zinks she ‘az a face like le ‘airy bullfrogs’ bottom.

Le Uncle said it first, only not to ‘er face.

So zen she stubbed out ‘er cigarette,
rolled up ‘er sleeves and went looking for Le Uncle.

‘Crikey’ said Le Uncle, ‘oo ‘ad no idea it was ‘im she waz coming for’.
‘That cat looks like she’s about to stick a bunch of pins into a horse-shaped doll’.

Ah pretended ah ‘ad no idea what ‘e was on about.

Ah looked over le fence at le pile of pooh which ah suddenly found quite interesting.

Zen ah found Madame Possovitz lying in wait for Le Uncle.
Ah try to explain to ‘er zat some ‘airy bullfrogs bottoms are very attractive.
Ah am sure, ah zay, zat zat eez le type Le Uncle meant.

Ah am pretty sure ah a’ve got away wiz eet. Ah let out an evil guffaw.
Mwha ha ha, ah zay, zat cat will believe anyzing.
Zen ah catch sight of Muzzerr out of le corner of mah eye.

Muzzerr ‘as stopped ‘er ‘oovering mid mouthful, and is glaring at me.

Ah realise ah am still doing mah evil laugh, zo ah pretend
ah am stretching mah neck  instead.
Ah can zee Madame Suckymoto staring at me.

Madame Suckymoto ‘as all le attention span of a wet acorn.

Ah decide to kiss Muzzerr; ah am never in trouble when ah do siz.

‘Son’, she said, ‘what have you done now?’

‘Ow does she always know when ah ‘ave done somezing?

‘Whatever it is’ she said, ‘you need to apologise to whoever you did it to, now’.

And zat eez what ah waz doing being dragged over to Uzzerr Muzzerr.
If ah make apology faces to ‘er ah will get a big cuddle and lots of scratches
and possibly even some pieces of carrots.
Eh Uzzerr Muzzerr? Le Carrots?

Today I spy Uzzer Muzzer in le paddock so ah go over to talk
to ‘er about intelligent stuff ah can’t talk to Le Uncle about.
‘e iz Australian, zo ‘e does not  understand much about anyzing.

‘Greetings Uzzer Muzzer’ ah zay before asking ‘er
if she would mind listening to mah theory about le relativity.
Ah ‘ave been studying Albert Einstein zo ah know all about psychics.

Of course she eez dying to know all about mah theory so ah continue.
‘Le laws of psychics are le same for anyone wiz a crystal ball
‘oo likes to vacuum,’ ah zay.

She looks interested zo ah continue.
‘Zo massive objects like Muzzerr, could collide wiz me
‘oo eez ‘er relative; despite le fact, zat,
being psychic she already knows zis will ‘appen.’.

Ah am not sure she eez understanding me zo ah decide to draw ‘er a diagram.

Ah find a stick and zink about ‘ow to draw zis simply zo she will understand.
Eet eez a complicated theory.

Le stick tastes quite nice.

Uzzerr Muzzerr does not seem to understand me, ah ‘ave lost ‘er.
Ah am being too intellectual, ah shall ‘ave to dumb it down for ‘er.
Ah give ‘er a nudge to make sure she eez awake.

‘Uzzerr Muzzerr,’ ah zay, ‘We are talking le possibility
of living in la ‘oover’

Clearly she ‘as no idea what ah am talking about.
She eez just a stupeed ‘uman afterall.
‘What time is le dinner?’ ah ask.

It was a boring day so ah ‘ad a talk to Le uncle about it.

‘Le Uncle’, ah said, ‘It’s a boring day, what are you going to do about eet?’

All ‘e was interested in was whether ah ‘ad cleaned mah teeths or not.
Why iz everyone so obsessed with whether ah ‘ave cleaned mah teeths?

‘’Ere’, ah said, ‘you smell mah breath – fresh – huh? Huh?’

‘Now’, ah roar, ‘You show me yours Le Uncle’.
But ‘e dodges around me. Obviously Le Uncle does not clean ‘is teeths.

It is when Muzzerr runs away shouting ‘Holy Crap!’ zat ah realise ‘e was
breathing it all over us.

Ah get a big stick to fart off any stray ‘oly Crap.

Le Sheeps were very impressed.
‘And That’s how you deal with Holy Crap’ said
Le Good Sheep Lollypop to Gollamb, ‘oo is ‘er nephew.

Le Uncle has gone off, leaving me to ponder about the deeper zings in life.

Ah wonder about zings like, whether a Fly wizout wings iz called a Walk?

What ‘appens, ah wonder, when a fish gets thirsty?

Why are you looking at me like zat?