Ah do not know ‘ow it happened

And I blame le pooches – certainly zey all look guilty enough.

Suddenly le sheeps are running around ‘aving panic attacks about being bitten by a shark.

‘I saw one once’ said Muslamb, ‘it was right up there in the tree, staring down at me’

Of course this has Moulamb Rouge in a total flap.
She is one very nervous sheeps anyway.

Even old Monsieur Bluett is on le look-out.

I may, or may not ‘ave ‘ad somezing to do with it.

My friend Gollamb is a little , shall we say, impressionable.
I press and ‘e is able.

Ah may ‘ave started le rumour about mah wounded knee being le product of a rogue shark bite.

So Gollamb told ‘is sister, Muslamb.

And she couldn’t wait to tell Madame Rouge, ‘oo immediately…

Warned ‘er daughter Myrtle. Now zey are all on ‘igh alert.

Except Gollamb – he thinks it is all a big joke.
He does not really believe I was attacked by a shark.

Now even le pooches are teasing each other about shark bites.
This is Madame Magoo chasing ‘er son Monsieur Magoo while imitating a shark about to bite.

It is a pretty poor imitation if you ask me.
Ah demonstrate a shark bite on le tree branch and
all le sheeps zey  rightly crap zemselves.
Such is mah power.

Le Uncle told me  to ‘stop taking le piss’
Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e is on about, ah was not ‘pissing’ anywhere.

Ah practice biting like a shark on Muzzerr.

Ah am being the little known ‘airy tree shark.
Muzzerr is not impressed.

‘Muzzerr’, ah zay, ‘Muzzerr, ah can be a Large Nosey Kissy Shark’.

Ah sneak up on ‘er
 

Such is mah skill, she is kissed before she even knows what struck ‘er.

Ah do not know why ah am in trouble again.

Ah can tell Le Uncle all mah problems and ‘e listens.
‘E often give me advice too.
Of course ah pay no attention to zat.

‘Listen Son,’ ‘e zay, ‘You’ve been a feather short of a cockatoo lately’.
‘E is speaking Australian again and ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e iz on about zo ah just pretend ah am interested.

Then ah am staring into ‘iz eye, trying to freak ’im out.

‘Geez’ he zay, ‘Don’t do that you little Dag –
you could scare the B’Jesus out of someone doing that’.

I try it later on Le ‘Ouse God, ‘e does not zeem to notice me.

‘E look a bit like me but not as ‘andsome.
Staring at ‘im does not work though as ‘e never ‘as ‘is eyes open.

‘Le Uncle’ ah zay, ‘Can ah a’ve a look at your teeths’
Ah am quite interested in teeths and ‘e ‘as lots of them.

Then ah try to get ‘im to play ‘Ad it up to Ere but ‘e is not in le mood.

Myrtle looks like she would like to play but she can only reach mah knee caps.

“Ow is mah knee?’ah ‘ear you ask.
“Zank you for enquiring, it iz still attached.

Ah know ah am a brave ‘ero, and az zuch, ah must be ‘umble
To show mah ‘umbleness, ah scratch mah bum, just like a normal ‘orze.

Le Uncle accompanies Uzzer Muzzerr back to the gate.
‘e always does this.
Ah ‘ave better things to do with mah time.

Zis Morning, ah am annoyed to zee zat zere are not crowds of people
clustering around to zee if ah ‘ave survived le night.

Of course, ah ‘ave survived le Battle of Wounded Knee.
No fence will get le better of me.

Ah check to zee if mah leg iz still attached and ah find zat it eez.

To mah great delight ah zee Uzzerr muzzerr ‘as come to pay ‘er respects.

‘‘Allo Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘ ah zay cheerfully.

Zough not zo cheerfully zat she suspect ah am better already

Because it iz zen zat ah remember ah am wounded and must ‘ave cuddles and carrots if ah am to make a full recovery.
I lie back down and groan and wave mah sore leg around a bit.

It seems to do le trick, Uzzerr Muzzerr rushes over looking all concerned and ‘olds mah ‘ead in ‘er arms and cries over me.
OK Ah may ‘ave exaggerated a bit about le crying.
Zoon ah feel ah might be able to stand if ah try ‘ard.

Ah rock back and forward and increase mah groaning for effect.

‘Oooh’ ah zay, ‘Ooooh it ‘urts’.

‘Ah may need zome ‘elp’ ah zay az ah struggle to mah feet.

Zis effort earns me two carrots sliced thin just le way ah like zem.

Ah belch appreciatively.

Ah am feeling much better but cleverly, ah stay where ah am
and ‘old mah leg up and ah get anuzzer carrot and a big cuddle.

Zuddenly ah spy la cat. Ah give chase.

‘Look’ shrieks Uzzerr Muzzerr, ‘He is so much better today!’
Ah realise ah ‘ave made a big mistake, zo ah start to ‘obble back to ‘er.

Unfortunately, Muzzerr intercepts me.
‘Do not believe that boy’ she says,

‘There is nothing wrong with him, he just likes the attention’.
Ah am mortified.

‘You have got to stop being a such a big clown,’ she said.

‘He is such a naughty little boy’, she sighs. ‘I do not know what to do with him’.

Of course Le Uncle, ‘oo waz nearby had one thing to say about the ‘ole zituation.
‘Crikey’ ‘e zaid.

Muzzerr zen suggested ah spend zome time wiz ‘im.

Naturally ah am very pleased. ‘Can ah? Le Uncle?, Can ah?’

Le Uncle agrees to take me for le rest of le day.

As usual, ‘e soon gets distracted by le girls next door so

Ah sneak up on ‘im and bite ‘im on le bottom.

‘Got you on le bum!’ ah yell.

Ah give ‘im an encouraging kiss.

‘Ah am a WAR ‘ORZE’ ah yell, before pummeling Le Uncle to le ground.
Ah may ‘ave exaggerated about le pummeling.

‘Ah ‘ave forgotten all about le wounded knee

Finally le battle iz won by me, ah finish le coup de grace by pulling Le Uncle’s tail.

Zen ah gallops off before ‘e can catch me.

Once again ah am running faster zan  a speeding pullet,
le Uncle ‘az no idea what went past ‘im.

Tis ah, Zephyrr, Lord LubbaDucky.
Ah am back.