The Hoover is an Imbecile

Muzzeur’s imbecile of le Italian boyfriend continue to try to be le boss of everyone.
‘Yo Zephero’ he say, ‘you and me, we could go into ‘business”.
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Ah ‘ave no intention of going into any kind of business with l’imbecile but ah notice Muzzeur is watching.
‘What kind of business are we talking about Monsieur ‘oover’ ah say full of politeness.
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‘Son’, ‘e say, ‘Leave the logistico to me’ and ‘e look oveur at Muzzeur ‘oo ‘as clearly told ‘im to make l’effort to be narce to me.
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‘Sono’, ‘e say, ‘Leave the logistico to me,’ and ‘e look oveur at Muzzeur for approval.
She ‘as ‘er mouth full.
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Lateur she admire ‘is tail.
Ah want to vomeet.
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Muzzeur notice me staring at them.
‘I am adjusting his tail style’ she say.
‘e ‘as Bed ‘air.
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L’imbicile bart Muzzeur’s botterm.
‘e will pay for that.
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But Muzzeur is in love. It is disgusting. They do nothing but  slobbeur oveur each otheur.
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Finally Muzzeur ‘as ‘ad enough of la slobbeuring, she lie down to sleep.
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As usual, seeing le Paparazzi turn up, l’imbicile lie down be’ind ‘er.
Ah am watching ‘im. Ah know what ‘e is doing.
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Ah may ‘ave mentioned to ‘im that she lark studs ‘oo Fartoberm.
Sure enough, ‘e start fartoberming. Ah say nothing.
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Muzzeur’ as no idea, l’imbicile is planking’ upsard down be’ind ‘er.
Ah keep quiet as le moose.
‘e lie on ‘is back and wave ‘is legs around in l’air.
‘Looka Merlo, I am breako dancing’ ‘e yell.
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The ‘e sit up and imitate ‘er.
‘e as no idea she know exactly what ‘e up to.
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Finally ‘e do several le press up be’ind ‘er.
Still, Muzzeur ignore ‘im.
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‘BOOYAH!’ ‘e yell and flick ‘is long ‘air in l’air lark ‘e is some big Italian Stallion with l’airy chest.
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Then ‘e wandeur oveur to ‘er  – ‘Hey Merlo, did you notice my dancing?’
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eh eh eh.
Mah work ‘ere is done.
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Inwhich Zephyr is attacked…

Ah am chilling in l’ouse when le Paparazzi arrive to photograph me in mah capacity of le most famous ‘orze in le world.
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‘Of course ah will oblige’ ah say and ah give le most winning smarle.
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L’imbicile grumble in le background. ‘Shut up L’imbicile’ ah mutteur, ‘nobody want to take le photograph of you’. Ah do not say this too loud, ‘e is biggeur than me and ah am not stupeed.
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Ah concentrate on looking stern and uncompromising.
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Ah stare deep into le camera lens and give le most intelligent expression.
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Ah am wondeuring if it is possible that L’imbicile mart spontaneously combust.
Ah ‘ear it can ‘appen.
If L’Uncle was ‘ere, ‘e would say it could arranged’.
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Apart from le fact ‘e is l’idiot and Muzzeur’s boyfriend, ‘e always want to fart with me and now that ah am le working ‘orze, ah ‘ave betteur things to do with le spare tarm.
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Ah am le very busy ‘orze now. Ah do not ‘ave tarm to fart with anyone.
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Suddenly, for no reason at all,  ah am attacked from be’ind. Quell ‘orreur!
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When ah told ‘im to Bart Me this moaning, ah did not mean it – it is just l’expression.
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‘What L’ell’ ah yell, ‘ah did not mean it!’
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But ‘e will not let go. Ah ‘ave to do something about le situation. ‘e will pay dearly for this.
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Ah staggeur oveur to le Paparazzi.
‘Did you see that Paparazzi?’ ah ask, ‘it was l’unprovoked attack, and ah am now in le coma unable to anything eveur again’.
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It is then that ah realarse that ah ‘ave just WALKED oveur to them.
Quickly ah drop to le ground and ‘ope they did not notice.
Ah give them le most beatific smarle and lie there. Le minute go by and nobody say anything.

This is awkward.
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Inwhich Zephyr is Photobombed…

Ah am aving le breakfast when le paparazzi come oveur to annoy me once again.
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‘God Moaning UzzMuzz’ ah sigh, ‘what is it now?’.
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It is le narce day and ah am le starving ‘aving not eaten for at least 10 minute.
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‘Ah am le busy rart now UzzMuzz, if you lark to come back in l’afteurnoon ah will make tarm for you then’.
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Ah maintain le sense of decorum and continue to eat le breakfast. She continue to aim le camera at me and ah continue to eat. Ah realise she must want pictures of me eating le breakfast. Ah can do this, ah do not marnd. When one is le famous as ah am le paparazzi are to be expected.
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Suddenly ah am aware that ah am being ‘Fartobermed’.
Ah snatch le last mouthful of grass while there is still tarm…
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‘Ow dear you Fartoberm me,’ ah yell.
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Ah think about staying to fart but change le marnd at l’ast minute.
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There is no farting with stupeed.
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