Eet ‘as been a while since ah last wrote.
Mah brilliance, which normally flow out of me lark la bat from le cave ‘as been curtailed somewhat lately.

‘oweveur, do not fear, ah will ‘eave mahself to mah ‘ooves and let
you know what ‘as been going on.

Le Uncle and ah ‘ad an arguement oveur ‘oo was le most ‘andsome ‘orze in le paddock. Of course, eet ees me, but ‘e did not see eet that way so we did not talk for 2 ‘ole days.

Then, ‘oo should arrive ‘ome but Muzzerr!

‘Muzzerr!’ ah cry, ‘you are back!’ and ah gallop oveur faster than a speeding pullet.

Le Uncle and ah ‘ave a race to ‘er, which of course ah win.

Muzzerr stand staring at us both.
Ah ‘ave grown so tall and ‘andsome she do not recognise me.

‘Son,’ she say, ‘is that really you?’

Ah assure ‘er eet ees.
And then ah get a big telling off from ‘er for being a rude boy.
Muzzerr would not know a rude boy eef ‘e jump out of ‘er feed bowl and say BOO.

‘She ees back,’ ah sigh to Le Uncle, now ah realise ah ‘ave to be’ave mahself again and things do not seem so good.

‘Leesenup ya spoiled leedle Tosser’ whisper Le Uncle, ‘Don’t mention anything to your Mother about Les Girls’.
Le Uncle ‘as been ‘aving an affair with Les Girls next door while Muzzerr ‘as been on ‘oliday.

Ah suddenly realise le potential for le blackmail ‘ere.
They do not call me Zephyr Soprano for nothing.
‘Do you want a fart about thees?’ ah say.

Le Uncle ‘e ees spoiling for a fart.

But ‘e ees le old man and ah am le enforcer in this paddock.
Ah will show ‘im ‘oo ees le best farter een thees paddock.

But, Muzzerr ees watching us and she ees giving us ‘Le Look’.
‘Have some DIGNITY and stop fighting’ she say.
Where do we get thees ‘dignity?’ ah think and ah wonder what eet taste lark.

Ah gallop off to find a bag of eet.

Le sheeps, ‘oo are bald on account of being shaved, say they would lark some too.
Sheeps eat anything.

So we stop farting and ah realise LE Uncle must ave eaten all le Dignity so once again Le Uncle and ah are no longer talking.

Ah am a very groovy ‘orze.
Ah often sing  song ah make up lark thees one…

‘Wild Thing, ah make mah heart sing…’

‘hmmmm mmmm something about ‘andsome groovy little ‘orze, ah are mah only thing….’.

Ah also quite lark Wild ‘orzes and Waiting for mah Noms…’

‘Ah’m, waiting for mah Nom,
Got 26 plaits in mah  mane
Up to warp speed 125
feelin’ slick and (ah little bit – not too much as ah am french) dirty
for about 5 ‘ours
uh, I’m waiting for my Nom…hmmmm mmmmm

Yeah yeah, ah’m waiting for mah NOM…

‘ey old chestnut ‘orze, what you doin’ in mah field
Hey old chestnut ‘orze, you chasin’ les girls around

Pardon me Monsieur, it’s furthest from mah mind
I’m just waitin’ for mah feed on time
I’m waiting for mah Nom, come on..yeah yeah….

‘ere she come, she all dressed in black
Uzzer Muzzer een a big straw ‘at
She’s never early, she always late
first thing ah learn is that ah always gotta wait
I’m waiting for my nom….

Sometime ah really impress mahself.

Every day ah wait and ah wait for mah Nom.

This morning for example, ah am waiting at le gate at 4.30am.
Uzzerr Muzzerr does not turn up until 7am.
By then ah am weak and famished.

Mah best friend Gollamb, ‘e notice ‘ow famished ah look.
‘You look like a famished horse to me,’ ‘e say when ah tell ‘im what to say.
‘Thank you Gollamb’, ah reply, ‘you look like a big Fatty Boombah to me’.

Ah talk to Le Uncle about eet.

At least ah intended to talk to Le Uncle about eet but then ah find mahself wondering eef ‘is teefs ‘ave fallen out yet.

‘Le Uncle,’ ah say, ‘open your mouf, ah need to make sure your teef ‘ave not fallen out’.

Le Uncle try to open ‘is mouf but eet seem to be stuck.

‘is lips roll up and ah can see le teefs are all still parked in le same place.

Ah go back to ‘oovering while Le Uncle still trying to open ‘is mouf.

‘alf an ‘our go by and Le Uncle ‘e ees still trying to open ‘is mouf.

‘Has he got it open yet?’ enquire Myrtle, ‘oo ees quite interested.

Suddenly Le Good Sheep Lollypop inform me, Nom is on its way.

Ah leave mine for later and go and ‘elp Le Uncle finish ‘is.

‘Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘as sent me to ‘elp you eat your Nom.’ ah insist.

‘Mate’, ‘e say, ‘You must be the world’s only living brain donor’.
Ah ‘ave to think about thees. Did someone donate mah brain?

Ah start to wail, ‘ah ave not got a brain any more’ ah sob.
‘Someone give eet away’.
‘No, Maaate,’ ‘e say, ‘you’ve got the wrong end of the yard stick, what oi meant was  that you are about as useful as a one-legged horse in an arse kicking contest’

Of course ah cheer up immensely at that. We practise ‘aving le ‘arse kicking’ contest.

And then ah spot Le Uncle’s feed bouquet.
Eet need a good ‘oover and ah am ‘appy to oblige.

‘Hang on a minute mate,’ ‘e yell, and then ‘e go
on and on something about a snake’s armpit
and a speedy galah but ah am too busy wondering eef
ah ‘old mah ‘ead about ‘ere and suck ‘ard enough whether
ah can suck le nom right out of le bouquet.
Ah take a big breath een. Le Uncle ees still lecturing away een Australian.
Ah suck and ah suck.

And Le Uncle ‘as no idea what just ‘appen but le nom ‘as dissappeared.