Being le Professeur Emeritus of le Veterinary de la Séance Degree with Distinction is le serious job.

We ‘ear of le bird ‘oo ‘as fallen out of la tree.
As ah am le one ‘oo know what to do, ah race to resuscitate ‘im.
Le Uncle come with me because ‘e is Australian.
Australians know everything.

Eet ees ‘ard work but le most tricky thing of all, is to find ‘im.

We all gallop around looking for le bird ‘oo ‘as fallen out of le tree.

Muzzeur try to get there on two legs.
‘Wrong two legs Muzzeur’ ah say ‘elpfully.
Clearly ‘er big botterm weigh ‘er down.

Soon we forget about le bird and Le Uncle decide to teach me more of ‘is farting moves.
This ‘ere, it is called Le Livard, because it make le opponent le Livard.

Le Uncle teach me if another ‘orze approach me lark this,
it is because, ‘e want to kiss me and ah must fart mah way out of it.
‘Go orn, Gizakiss,’ ‘e say. Ah am scared.

Ah am very good at le farting – and galloping too. Especially when there is a kiss coming mah way.

Le Uncle show me ‘ow to fend off all manneur of le kisses.

Then ‘e got me. ‘e planted le big Australian kiss on mah neck.
Naturally, ah was ‘orrified.
Ah try to fart ‘im off.

Ah even ‘ide be’ind Muzzeur. No one can see me ‘ere if ah stay still and close mah eyes.

But it is no good. Le Uncle find me.
‘There there moi son’ ‘e say, ‘you look loike a one armed kookaburra’.
Ah ‘ave to think about this. Could ‘e be talking about le bird ‘oo fall out of le nest?

While ah am thinking about this, Le Uncle and ah practice walking backwards.
We walk 5 laps of le paddock backwards.

Then Muzzeur join in and we all do another lap backwards. No one is allowed to look be’ind, not even once.
Ah try to get Muzzeur to break le rule.
‘Muzzeur,’ ah say, ‘there ees a big bird on your botterm right ‘ere, look at it’.
As usual, all she does ees be grumpy at me.

Later that day ah try to make it up to Muzzeur.
‘Come on Muzzeur,’ ah say, ”ow many Professeur Emeritus’s ‘ave big fat grumpy Muzzeurs?’

But clearly Muzzeur is Grass Affected.
Ah mean look at ‘er.

Since being awarded le Veterinary de la Séance Degree with Distinction,
and being made Professeur Emeritus, ah ‘ave a lot of speaking engagements.

Lark this morning for example.
Muzzeur was introducing me to le large crowd ‘oo ‘ave gathered to ‘ear what ah ‘ave to say…

First she clear ‘er throat and then – ‘My son need no introduction’ she say…
At least I assume that ees what she say, ah am not actually listening.

She bow to le audience but ah am too  busy playing with le Uncle to give mah speech.

Le Uncle and ah were ‘aving a quick game of ‘ad eet up to ‘ere to settle mah nerves.
Ah do not think anyone notice. We are ‘idden be’ind Muzzeur’s big botterm.

Mah friend Gollamb ‘as come to listen and ‘ee ees all ears.

Muzzeur can ‘andle le introductions while ah score le points.
All eyes are on Muzzeur.

Gollamb ‘as brought ‘is sister Muslamb along with ‘im. She ees weird.
‘Get on with it’ she yell. She ees le rude sheeps.

Muzzeur ees nearing le end of ‘er speech.
Considering eet was all about me ah am surprised eet was so short.

‘Excuse moi Le Uncle’ ah say, ‘ah am due on stage’.

Suddenly Muzzeur ees distracted. Le Uncle seize le opportunity to score le point in le game.

Suddenly ah ‘ave forgotten all about giving le speech.

Beside, Muzzeur seem to be enjoying ‘er moment in le spotlight.

And quite frankly ah can not let Le Uncle win one more game of ‘ad eet up to ‘ere.

Today Andrew Le Vet award me Mah Veterinary de la Séance Degree with Distinction.

‘E actually say ah so brilliant that ‘e make me Professeur Emeritus eh he he
Ah ‘ave no idea what that mean, but clearly eet astonishing ah achieve this, whateveur eet ees.

‘Bloody hell’ say Le Uncle, ‘does he know you did not study Jack’.
Of course ah did not study Jack, there ees no ‘orze called Jack ‘ere – ah ‘esitate to point out le obvious.

Suddenly Le Uncle start yelling at me in Australian. Ah ‘ave no idea why.
‘How come a hairy leedle Tossa like you gets to become a Professor all of a sudden,’ ‘e yell.

‘We can not all be brilliant, and ‘andsome,’ ah am shouting back now.

‘But come on, how much study did you actually do?’, Le Uncle is pleading with me now.

‘ah ‘ave you know ah watch Andrew Le Vet very closely when ‘e  ‘ere’.

Then ah put mah nose een le air to make le point.

‘The only thing you are a professor of is Professor of Tossership’ ‘e say.

‘Ah am l Professor Emeritus pass with le distinction in  Veterinary de la Séance Degree’ ah say.

‘Yeah, well OK  then, let’s see how much you actually know then shall we?’ ‘e say.

‘Eef oi was to get colic, for example,’ ‘e say, ‘what would you do?’

Ah decide to answer ‘im in french.
‘Je suis perdu comment alley vous’ ah whisper, and then ah add ‘feray Jacque’.
This is a very cleveur move on mah part. Le Uncle can not speak french. Eh eh eh.

‘Say that a bit louder’ ‘e say.
Ah know ‘e ees looking at Uzzeur Muzzeur ‘oping she will translate for ‘im.

‘Listen very carefully, ah shall say thees only once,’ ah say,
and ah start ‘oiking and making guttural french sounding noises.

‘Oh come on Mate, this is bullshit’ ‘e say as ah am ‘oiking up le storm.

‘Now say that again in Australian so we can all understand,’ ‘e say.
‘Ah do not speak Australian’ ah reply.

‘Of course you do yer hairy leedle tosser, everyone can speak Australian, eets not Rocket Science’.

‘Now come on, Oi’ve got colic, you have your  Tossership in Veterinary Séance, who are you going to call up from the dead?’
Ah put mah nose up in le air to show ‘im ‘ow much more qualified than ‘im ah am.

Suddenly, we both realise Les Girls are watching us.
We decide to stop arguing and look impressive instead.

‘GIRLS!’
we both say at once. and they all look very impressed.