Professeur Emeritus

Today Andrew Le Vet award me Mah Veterinary de la Séance Degree with Distinction.
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‘E actually say ah so brilliant that ‘e make me Professeur Emeritus eh he he
Ah ‘ave no idea what that mean, but clearly eet astonishing ah achieve this, whateveur eet ees.
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‘Bloody hell’ say Le Uncle, ‘does he know you did not study Jack’.
Of course ah did not study Jack, there ees no ‘orze called Jack ‘ere – ah ‘esitate to point out le obvious.
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Suddenly Le Uncle start yelling at me in Australian. Ah ‘ave no idea why.
‘How come a hairy leedle Tossa like you gets to become a Professor all of a sudden,’ ‘e yell.
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‘We can not all be brilliant, and ‘andsome,’ ah am shouting back now.
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‘But come on, how much study did you actually do?’, Le Uncle is pleading with me now.
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‘ah ‘ave you know ah watch Andrew Le Vet very closely when ‘e  ‘ere’.
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Then ah put mah nose een le air to make le point.
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‘The only thing you are a professor of is Professor of Tossership’ ‘e say.
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‘Ah am l Professor Emeritus pass with le distinction in  Veterinary de la Séance Degree’ ah say.
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‘Yeah, well OK  then, let’s see how much you actually know then shall we?’ ‘e say.
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‘Eef oi was to get colic, for example,’ ‘e say, ‘what would you do?’
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Ah decide to answer ‘im in french.
‘Je suis perdu comment alley vous’ ah whisper, and then ah add ‘feray Jacque’.
This is a very cleveur move on mah part. Le Uncle can not speak french. Eh eh eh.
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‘Say that a bit louder’ ‘e say.
Ah know ‘e ees looking at Uzzeur Muzzeur ‘oping she will translate for ‘im.
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‘Listen very carefully, ah shall say thees only once,’ ah say,
and ah start ‘oiking and making guttural french sounding noises.
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‘Oh come on Mate, this is bullshit’ ‘e say as ah am ‘oiking up le storm.
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‘Now say that again in Australian so we can all understand,’ ‘e say.
‘Ah do not speak Australian’ ah reply.
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‘Of course you do yer hairy leedle tosser, everyone can speak Australian, eets not Rocket Science’.
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‘Now come on, Oi’ve got colic, you have your  Tossership in Veterinary Séance, who are you going to call up from the dead?’
Ah put mah nose up in le air to show ‘im ‘ow much more qualified than ‘im ah am.
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Suddenly, we both realise Les Girls are watching us.
We decide to stop arguing and look impressive instead.
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‘GIRLS!’
we both say at once. and they all look very impressed.
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