DAY 2 Annus ‘Orribilis
L’Uncle and ah are le keepers of le secret.

‘Ere ah am ‘obbling around enjoying mah drugs, being le good little boy

Then Uzzeurr Muzzeur come flying over to me lark le mentally disturbed quail.
‘What happened to your bandage?’ she shriek, ‘What have you done ?’

‘Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘appen to le bandage Uzzeurr Muzzeur’ ah say.
Actually ah know exactly what ‘appen to le bandage but ah am not one to gossipe.
eh eh eh.

L’Uncle is watching as usual, ‘e is waiting to say something Australian.
‘e know what ‘appen too but ‘e is not saying either.

Then ‘e clear ‘is throat.
‘Oi could tell you, but then oi’d have to force you to leesen to an entoire symphony played by an acoustically challenged wombat didgeridoo orchestra’ ‘e say.

Uzzeurr Muzzeurr disappear inside.
‘You can come out now’ ah whisper to Muzzeurr ‘oo is ‘iding be’ind le tree.

‘Right’ she say, ‘where were we?’

Ah yes, I see it now’.

Day 1 of Annus ‘Oribilis.
Ah ‘ave been gravely wounded in battle.
One minute ah was ‘aving le pleasurable roll beside le fence and le next minute ah am being attacked by it.
We ‘ad le most fierce battle of which ah, of course, won.
Ah am left mortally wounded and unable to move’ oweveur, le fence will not live to fight another day.

So terrible is le wound that Uzzeurr Muzzeurr took one look, screamed and ran away.
*She may not ‘ave actually screamed.

Soon she back with le top specialist surgeon ‘oo gasp and quickly patch my leg to stem le flow of blood.
*’e may not have actually gasped.
As ah cannot move, we all suspect le worst and le team of le specialist veterinary  quickly assemble. Ah will advise them on what to do.


Ah ‘ave been given le most pleasant sterf to ‘elp me cope.
Ah forget about everything that is going on all around me and am instead, drifting around in le ‘uge field of carrots, ‘oovering them up lark a whale sifting le plankton.
According to L’Uncle, le veterinary experts take le selfies next to mah leg to post on le facebook,  ‘e also mention that Uzzeurr Muzzeurr run around lark le bat with le bomb on fire.

Ah comfort Rhiannon, ‘oo live in le paddock next door.
‘Do not worry’ ah say, ‘ah ‘ave dealt to le fence it will not be attacking anyone again’.
Ah wondeur if she ‘as brought any carrot for me.

Once everyone but Uzzeurr Muzzeur ‘as gone, ah discoveur there are certain advantages to being unable to move.
Mah food gets brought to me, ah do not ‘ave to search for it.
Ah get le soothing massage while ah am eating.
Uzzeurr Muzzeurr shower me with le kisses and carrots.
Of course, ah prefer le carrots but best of all, ah ‘ave discoveured ‘ard drugs.

Le new bandage is put on mah leg.
We all agree it is le most impressive bandage anyone ‘as eveur seen.

‘Crikey’ say Le Uncle, and ‘e close ‘is eyes so ‘e can think up something Australian to say.

Ah am feeling better already. Perhaps ah will survive afteur all.
Ah ‘obble around with Muzzeurr ‘oo is being very nice to me for once but ah do think ah need more drugs and carrots, in order to be able to politely listen to Muzzeurr droning on and on.

Ah excuse mahself and walk off to look for Uzzeurr Muzzeurr ‘oo will surely ‘ave both.

Then ah remember, ah should be limping.
‘Oooh aaaah’ ah moan, ‘such pain’ ah gasp.

Unfortunately Le Uncle get to Uzzeurr Muzzeur before ah do.
‘Do not give that boy any more drugs’ ‘e say.

‘Oim telling you, he will get hooked and the next thong you know he will be poimping out his mother to help support his habeet’.
Bugeurr.

L’Uncle and ah ‘ave le peaceful discussion about le politic and le world affair.
Ah listen to ‘is point of view.
Ah am not really listening – ‘e know nothing about World affair or le politic, beside it is all in Australian. Ah am ‘umming la tune as ‘e drone on.

‘And bleuh bleuh crocodile up a jacaranda tree’ ‘e go.
Or something lark that.
Then ‘e show me ‘is tongue. Now ah am quite interested.

Naturally, ah show ‘im mah tongue.

Then ‘e show Muzzeur ‘is tongue.

So ah show ‘er mah tongue too.
‘ROCK and ROLL’ ah yell.

‘Son,’ ‘e say, and ah know ah am in for le lecture, ‘have you been into the clover?’

‘Because you know it’s not good for you’.

‘You are not le boss of me L’Uncle’ ah yell.

‘Oi think you’ll foind oi am the boss of you you hairy leeddle tosser’, ‘e yell back.

‘Ah may be le ‘airy Tosseurr L’Uncle, but at least ah am not le Old Man’

‘Oi may be an Old Man but at least oi don’t act loike a one armed Koala on a leaky lilo’.

‘Well L’Uncle,’ ah roar, ‘At least ah am, er, ah –  a one arm koala on a leakyLilo L’Uncle?’
Ah ‘ave no idea what this is but if it act lark me it must be pretty cleveur.

Suddenly L’Uncle stop and stare at me –
‘You look exactly loik the missing little known more hairy BeeGee brother’  ‘e say.
As usual ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e is on about – ‘oo are le BeeGees? they must be very l’andsome.