Day 1 of Annus ‘Oribilis.
Ah ‘ave been gravely wounded in battle.
One minute ah was ‘aving le pleasurable roll beside le fence and le next minute ah am being attacked by it.
We ‘ad le most fierce battle of which ah, of course, won.
Ah am left mortally wounded and unable to move’ oweveur, le fence will not live to fight another day.

So terrible is le wound that Uzzeurr Muzzeurr took one look, screamed and ran away.
*She may not ‘ave actually screamed.

Soon she back with le top specialist surgeon ‘oo gasp and quickly patch my leg to stem le flow of blood.
*’e may not have actually gasped.
As ah cannot move, we all suspect le worst and le team of le specialist veterinary  quickly assemble. Ah will advise them on what to do.


Ah ‘ave been given le most pleasant sterf to ‘elp me cope.
Ah forget about everything that is going on all around me and am instead, drifting around in le ‘uge field of carrots, ‘oovering them up lark a whale sifting le plankton.
According to L’Uncle, le veterinary experts take le selfies next to mah leg to post on le facebook,  ‘e also mention that Uzzeurr Muzzeurr run around lark le bat with le bomb on fire.

Ah comfort Rhiannon, ‘oo live in le paddock next door.
‘Do not worry’ ah say, ‘ah ‘ave dealt to le fence it will not be attacking anyone again’.
Ah wondeur if she ‘as brought any carrot for me.

Once everyone but Uzzeurr Muzzeur ‘as gone, ah discoveur there are certain advantages to being unable to move.
Mah food gets brought to me, ah do not ‘ave to search for it.
Ah get le soothing massage while ah am eating.
Uzzeurr Muzzeurr shower me with le kisses and carrots.
Of course, ah prefer le carrots but best of all, ah ‘ave discoveured ‘ard drugs.

Le new bandage is put on mah leg.
We all agree it is le most impressive bandage anyone ‘as eveur seen.

‘Crikey’ say Le Uncle, and ‘e close ‘is eyes so ‘e can think up something Australian to say.

Ah am feeling better already. Perhaps ah will survive afteur all.
Ah ‘obble around with Muzzeurr ‘oo is being very nice to me for once but ah do think ah need more drugs and carrots, in order to be able to politely listen to Muzzeurr droning on and on.

Ah excuse mahself and walk off to look for Uzzeurr Muzzeurr ‘oo will surely ‘ave both.

Then ah remember, ah should be limping.
‘Oooh aaaah’ ah moan, ‘such pain’ ah gasp.

Unfortunately Le Uncle get to Uzzeurr Muzzeur before ah do.
‘Do not give that boy any more drugs’ ‘e say.

‘Oim telling you, he will get hooked and the next thong you know he will be poimping out his mother to help support his habeet’.
Bugeurr.