Quelle ‘orreour! Annus ‘orribilis and every other ‘orribilis.
Today our game of ‘‘ad it up to ‘ere’ was rudely interrupted.

And ah was dragged off and subjected to Water Torture.

Just between you and me, ah would ‘ave told Uzzerr Muzzerr
everyzing she needed to know wizout ‘aving to be tortured in zis ‘orrific fashion.

Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘osed mah legs first but she got no information out of zem.

Zen, as she reached into a bucket for anuzzer instrument of torture,
ah thought to mahself…shall ah bite ‘er enormous bottom and make good mah escape?

But she was too quick, she spun around before ah could do anyzing.

And she applied Le Damp Sponge.

And zat iz when ah told ‘er everyzing ah know.

‘Le Uncle iz still seeing la girls next door’ ah zaid.

And zat bit of information earned me a big cuddle and ah kiss. Why did ah not make zumzing up earlier?

Ah am told zat tomorrow Muzzerr and ah are going in a beauty pageant.
No war ‘orze ever ‘ad to endure such a zing! and ah am to be on mah best be’aviour,
Ah don’t ZINK zo.

Le Uncle ‘as a new name for me.
It iz Yahairy Liddlebumbita.

I think it must be an old Jewish Italian name. ‘e call me this every time ah go near ‘im.

‘Peesoff Yahairy Liddlebumbita’ ‘e zay.

You ‘ave clearly mistaken me for some great Jewish/Italian War ‘orze ah zay

Mah name iz not ‘Yahairy Liddlebumbita’ Le Uncle.
‘e z getting old, old ‘orzes like ‘im forget stuff all le time.

‘OH really?’ ‘e zay, breathing ‘iz old ‘orze breath all over me.
‘You could have fooled me son’

I remind ‘im zat ah did fool ‘im.

‘It iz ah, Lord LubbaDuck’ ah zay. Ah get mistaken for a war ‘orze all le time.

Zen we play a quick game of ‘Ad it up to ‘ere’.

And zen le Uncle teaches me ‘ow to swear in Australian
Ah will impress Gollamb later. We like to compare swear words.

Le Uncle teach me ‘ow to zay ’youseful asanarzhol onanelbow’.

‘Son’, ‘e zay, ‘you can say that to any of the sheep because it’s true’.
Zen ‘e add, ‘don’t ever say it to your Mother, son, never ever say that to your Mother’.

‘What else’, Le Uncle ah zay, ah am now a diligent student of ‘igher learning.

‘Well’, he say, ‘you could tell Moulamb Rouge she has a face like a cats arse’

‘Aficeloike acat sarse’ ah zay and ah wonder what it means.

Ah decide to ask Le Uncle about a Sarse, ‘‘as Madame Possovitz got one?’ ah ask.

‘You might want to ask her to show it to you one day son’ ‘e reply.

‘What about aficeloike” ah ask but ‘e ‘as gone all quiet’.

Zo ah sneak round…

And ah pull ‘is tail.  ‘e ‘ates it when do siz.

Zuddenly it iz all on. We are practicing to be war ‘orzes .

Ah am going to join le Italian ‘army.

‘Ah am Yahairy Liddlebumbita ah yell.

There is no stopping Yahairy Liddlebumbita.

Ah ‘ide be’ind a tree and wait for Le Uncle to come past and zen ah ambush ‘im.

Faster zan a speeding pullet ah fly up behind ‘im…

‘Crikey’ zay Le Uncle, ‘You are more fierce than a bag of chaff’

Today was bit boring for a Lord like me so ah went to ‘ave a chat about eet wiz Le Uncle.

‘Le Uncle’, ah zay, ‘ah am a bit bored today’.

‘What shall we do?’

Le Uncle zinks for a bit. Ah give ‘im a nudge to ‘elp wiz ‘iz zinking.

‘Le Uncle,’ ah zay, ‘what iz this knob ‘ere?’

Of course ah know what le knob iz, eet where le brain look out.

‘LE UNCLE!’ ah yell, because ‘e ‘as gone to sleep.

‘Fair suck of the sav’ say Le Uncle, ‘You are being a total tossa’.

Ah ‘ave to zink a bit to translate zat.
Ah zink what ‘e mean iz, zat Fearzuck Ovlasav is a tidal tossa.
‘Oo iz Fearzuck Ovlasav and ‘oo tossed ‘im in le sea?’

Mah lips are sealed, ah do not want to confess ah know no such Tidal Tossa.

Zuddenly, Le Uncle ‘az a brilliant idea.

‘Son’, ‘e zay, ‘I’ve got a brilliant idea’.

Ah am all ears though quite frankly ‘e don’t look zat brilliant.

‘You’ve got thees poofta show coming up in a few days’, he said.

‘Ah ‘ave, yes; ah ‘ave no idea what a ‘Poofta’ Show iz but ah know ah ‘ave to go’.

‘Well,’ ‘e zay, ‘you would look a lot more ‘showy as it were,
if ya plastered a bit of colour on ya’.

‘Your Other Mother would be thrilled to bits to find you’d
changed into a pinto overnight, son’.

Ah thought about zis and zen decided it a very good idea.

Ah stood around inconspicuously waiting for Uzzerr Muzzer to come in and be overjoyed to find a new ‘orze waiting for ‘er.
‘e ‘e ‘eeee’ ah sniggered.

When she finally come into la paddock, she ‘ave a ‘eart attack.
She stomp up and down and roll ‘er eyes and foam at le mouth.
Ah may ‘ave exaggerated about le eyes rolling.

Ah ask Madame Possovitz what le problem iz, but zis cat zink she iz Ghengis Khan.
(We know all about Ghengis Khan because Uzzer Muzzerr iz reading abook all about ‘im)

She just zit and stare at me and ah ‘ave no idea what she iz zinking.

Or if she zinks at all. Ah suspect not.

Quite frankly zat cat look le same when she laugh az she does when she mad.

Here she iz laughing uproariously at zumzing…

And now she about to rip mah ‘ead off.

Anyway, apparently ah ‘ave zum explaining to do.
Ah check under Muzzerr’s tum for an exploding device le Uncle zay she keep there for situations just like zis one.

All ah zee iz Monsieur Mooster glaring at me.
‘It’s shampoo time for you Matey Boy’ he said.

Le Uncle zee Uzzerr Muzzerr coming back wiz a big bottle of ‘oly Crap.
‘OLY CRAP ‘e yell and ‘e dizappear az ‘e always does when zere iz any sign of le ‘oly crap, and ah am left to be shampooed in it.