Le Uncle tell me mah Dad was ah Gun.
Ah ask Muzzerr about this – she still believe ah was a product of
immaculate contraption.

‘Muzzerr’, ah say, ‘ah know mah Dad was a Gun
so put your ‘ooves in le air and step away from mah wither’.

That stopped Muzzerr slobeuring on me.
Ah could feel ‘er thinking about this.
‘Where is this going Son?’ she ask.
‘Ah don’t know’ ah answer truthfully, ‘ah ‘ave to ask Le Uncle’.

‘Persil’ she growl and ‘er grooming begins to ‘urt me.
’I might have guessed’. Ah can not get away from ‘er fast enough, ah must gallop over and warn Le Uncle.

‘Le Uncle’ ah whisper, ah ‘ave to tell you you are een big trouble with Muzzerr’.

‘Crikey’’e say, ‘You Son of a Gun, what have oi done now mate?’

Ah realise ah can not tell ‘im that ah told Muzzerr
that ‘e told me ah was a Son of a Gun. Ah do not want to be in le’oly Crap.

Ah ‘ave to make something up fast.
So naturally, ah say le first thing that come to mah mind.
‘Muzzerr think you ‘ave been seeing your ex girlfriend again’ ah say, ‘you know le one – la Big BlondeTrolloppe”.

‘Holy Crap!’ shout le Uncle and ‘e gallop off to le opposite end
of le paddock from Muzzerr.

‘e stay down there all morning. Muzzerr ‘as forgotten what she ees mad
at ‘im about but still ‘e stay there with a worried look on ‘is face.

Ah spend le day ‘oping la big blonde trolloppe does not decide to turn up.
Ah do not think she would care that ah am le Son of a Gun.
Ah am a nervous Son of a Gun for le rest of le day.

Le wind blow so ‘ard today, mah lips nearly blow off mah face

Ah struggle to keep mah mouths closed.

Le wind, eet was blasting mah lips apart.

‘Ah cannot close mah mouths’ ah yell.

Of course, Muzzerr looks most concerned as ah continue.

‘Any minute now mah lips, they will blow right off mah face’.

Le wind lifted mah ‘ead up by la lip.

‘Muzzerr!’ ah shout, ‘ mah lips are about to take off any minute now’.

Then ah realise that la wind ‘as indeed caught me
by mah lips and ah cannot close them.

Suddenly there ees a break in la wind,
during which ah manage to snap mah mouth closed.

Ah open eet to say something and – Quelle ‘Orreur!
La wind blow mah tongue right out of mah mouths!

‘Le Uncle!’ ah shout, once ah get mah tongue back under control.

‘Ah now great Chinese war’ orze, Zephyr Fong’.

‘Look, Le Uncle,’ ah insist.
 

Le Uncle turns to Uzzerr Muzzerr. ‘Crikey’ ‘e say, ‘Seems to me there’s a whole bloody herd of kangaroos loose in the top paddock today’

Ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e ees talking about. Ah do not see a single kangaroo anywhere.

It look like being a very boring day
until Uzzerr Muzzerr came to clean le paddock and Le Uncle make up a new game.

‘Mate, follow moi lead’, ‘e say.

‘CRIKEY’ ‘e yell, ‘Maaaate!’ and ’e ees spitting something out all over le ground.

‘What, what are we looking at Le Uncle?’ ah murmer,
and then ah spit all over le ground too.

‘Oi just copped a gobfull of Patagonian Tree Bear’
croak  Le Uncle, ‘the Lesser Spotted variety’. Then ‘e whisper to me, ‘quick mate, poke yer tongue out and groan’.

Muzzerr ees giving us le Look.

Ah give eet right back to ‘er.

And then ah do as Le Uncle say to do. ‘Oooh arrr oooh’ ah say.

Le Uncle stick ‘is tongue out at me and ‘e wink.

Uzzerr Muzzerr continue to clean le paddock and ignore me.
Ah moan some more and roll mah tongue out again.

Ah ‘ave to peek around Muzzerr’s big bottom to see eef Uzzerr Muzzerr
can see me clearly.

She can, so ah duck back. ‘Ooooh arrrr ooooh’ ah groan.

Then ah lean against Muzzerr for effect.
Muzzerr ees getting cross but ah don’t care.

‘Persil,’ she say to Le Uncle, ‘stop egging the boy on,
he is very impressionable and you are not helping’.

But some’ow mah tongue, eet ees stuck to Muzzerr’s big bottom while ah am being impressionable.

‘Muzzerr’ ah say, ‘Ah cannot ‘elp eet, mah tongue ees stuck. You ‘ave a sticky bottom’.
Uzzerr Muzzerr continue to clean le paddock, she do not seem to care mah tongue ees stuck.

‘Don’t be such a silly little boy,’ Muzzerr say, ‘when will you grow up?’. But ah am too busy being impressionably stuck to Muzzerr’s big ‘airy bottom to answer that one.

‘Uzzerr Muzzerr’ sigh Muzzerr, ‘please will you take this hairy little boy and do something with him. He is being a pain in the bum’.

Le Uncle ees watching and laughing into ‘is ‘ay.
’You’re a bloody legend’ ‘e chuckle as ah continue being impressionable.

Ah then notice le ‘orze across le road ees giving me ‘is attention
but ah am not sure ah want eet so ah stop what ah am doing.

‘Of course, by impressionable, she mean ‘eroic’ ah say to ‘im.
‘Muzzerr does not ‘ave mah extensive vocabulary but ah know what she mean’.

Ah stand and be all quiet.
That gets Uzzer Muzzerr’s attention, she rush over and eet ees cuddle time.
Le Uncle ees stuffing ‘is face and ignoring everyone.
Because ‘e ees Australian, ‘e get embarrassed about le cuddles.
Being French, ah do not mind a well earned cuddle and ah kiss.
Ah accept mah cuddles with all le grace of a Impressionable Leetle Tossa,
which ees what Le Uncle say ah am.