Today while Muzzeur was ‘aving a massage, ah decide to kindly contribute to le atmosphere by giving le Fencitar recital.
Ah ‘ave to think very ‘ard about what ah will play.

Finally ah decide, tonight, ah will play ‘Don’t Fence me In.’ ah announce.
Ah give mah fencitar a preliminary pluck to let everyone settle down so ah can start.

Then ah clear mah throat and put on mah serious musician face.
‘Aerm rrrrrrrrm’ ah go.

Plunk Plunk Plunk…’Oooh give me land, lots of land under starry sky above’… PLUNK PLUNK go mah fencitar,

‘Don’t fence me in,’ plunkity plunk plerlunk

‘Let me trot through the wide open country that ah love, hmmmm hmmmmm…’ Ploink plunky plunk

‘Don’t fence me in’ Pluckity plunk plunk.

‘Feed me carrots, feed me oats and that meusli that ah love,’ ah am free wheeling eet now,
mostly because ah can not remember le actual lyrics…
‘Don’t fence me in… oh ah will bust down this fence and give your friend a shove…’

Suddenly ah notice Uzzeur Muzzeur ees glaring at me.
She start to stride towards me.
Ah feel eet time to finish mah set
‘Thank you, you’re beautiful’ ah say hurriedly before spinning around
and galloping off the down the paddock before all mah fans ‘ave time to congratulate me.

Ah ‘ave taken up le Electric Fencitar.
You can play all sort of tunes by plucking le wire with le nose.
‘Bada bung bing bing bong bing biong bing….’
Le Uncle, ‘e ees most impressed.

As le added bonus, eet drive Muzzeur  crazy.

‘Stop it Zephyr, that’s not music, it is nothing but NOISE’.

But ah ignore ‘er, she ees not le boss of me.
‘Bada bung bung bung bada berm’ ah go, ah am on a roll.
Uzzeur Muzzeur ees glaring at me but she ees not le boss of me either.

Le Uncle ees muttering something about ‘aving respect for Muzzeur
but eet ees all een Australian so ah do not ‘ave to listen..
Besides, ah ‘ave come to le end of mah set.
Ah finish with le resounding ‘BONKITY BOING!’

Ah give an exaggerated bow.
‘Merci Beaucoup everyone,’ ah say as eef they give me a stand up ovation.
While ah am down ‘ere ah discover le patch of uneaten cloveur.
Ah may be een this position for le while.

Later, because ah am bored and Muzzeur pay me no heed ah pretend ah ‘ave died.
This will make ‘er notice me ah think.

Ah roll oveur to see eef she notice yet.
Sacre Bleuh!
She too busy applying ‘er lippystick.

‘How does this look?’ she ask me.
HOW DOES THIS LOOK???

Ah can not believe Muzzeur think applying ‘er lippystick more important than ‘er dying son.

Eet really ees very depressing.

Ah sink lower and lower into a state of deep depression.
Ah suck on le grass stalks and contemplate mah future.

Le Uncle ees watching me.
‘Get upya big Galah’, ‘e say.
Ah do not ‘ave to listen to ‘im.
‘You are not le boss of me’ ah mutter.

All ‘e do ees chat up Les Girls. All day.

Ah can not believe they so interested een wombats, galahs and crocodiles.
Stazi Paterson, ‘oo according to Muzzeur, ees a Fat Slapper, think ‘e ees ‘illarious.
She ‘ang around ‘im all day.
‘e do not ‘ave time for me any more.
Muzzeur ees a Quarter Horse.

Muzzeur and ah watch een disgust.
‘Just LOOK at that Fat Brown Slapper’, shriek Muzzeur.
Ah am looking.

‘She is a Fat Brown Slapper,’ snort Muzzeur.
Eet ees getting embarrassing now,
ah ‘ave to ‘ide be’ind ‘er.

This ees about as much fun as le visit from le ‘oof trimmeur.

‘I don’t know what Persil sees in these Slappers’ sigh Muzzeur.

Ah feel eet ees time to put mah soothing influence into play and ah know just what to say –
‘Muzzeur,’ ah say soothingly, ‘you may not be a Fat Brown Slapper but Le Uncle do say you are a Fat Slapper’

29 year old part time model and full time Lothario, Persil Beaucoup (AKA Hoof Hefner) was caught in flagrante delicto today in what the paddock police are calling The Most  Blatant Attempt at Seduction seen since last week.


Beaucoup puts his new found drive and energy down to the common spice – Turmeric, which has been added to his diet (along with black pepper and linseed oil).
‘Crikey,’ the little Aussie philanderer said, ‘I can’t help it; the mares are all over me like crocs on a drowning swimmer’.

As if to prove a point he whispers something to passer-by, Starzi Paterson who immediately giggles like a young filly.

Previous girlfriend, paddock socialite Merlot Moo, declined to give an interview saying she was shocked and appalled by Beaucoup’s behaviour. ‘It’s time he acted his age’ she said. ‘I’ve got a son who is (at a) very impressionable age and I don’t want to see him impressing this sort of behaviour on my boy’.

She then added, ‘that horse makes me sick’.

We watch (slightly awed) as Beaucoup puts ‘Turmeric Power’ combined with Australian charm, into action.

Appearing to simply be blowing hot air all over a grumpy mare…

Beaucoup proves once again, that Turmeric is – in his words – ‘better than a bucket full of Viagra’.