Today, ah find mah imaginary friend ‘iding out in my Muzzer’s ‘airy armpit.

What are you doing ‘ere? Ah zay. But ‘e do not reply.

Zo ah may ‘ave given ‘im a bit of a push…

Zuddenly ‘e iz not zere any more…

Zo ah check ‘er knees.

All of zem. She ‘az a lot of knees, and ‘e might be clinging on to zem

Ah check le ground to zee if ‘e ‘az fallen off zumwhere.

And zen ah feel ah must talk to Muzzerr about zis.

Muzzerr, ah zay, Muzzerr, ah ‘ave zumzing to tell you…

What is it my son? she zay.

But before ah can speak ah feel ah ‘ave to check ‘er stern for extra cargo.

What are you doing my son? She ask.

Zuddenly ah don’t want to tell ‘er about mah friend zo ah make up a bit of a fib.
Ah tell ‘er ah will ‘old ‘er ‘ead up for ‘er, az she must be tired.

Silly boy she say, I have a neck to do that for me.

But ah insist, your neck iz not good at ‘is job, ah zay, your ‘ead iz always down in le grass.
Zo ah will ‘old it up for you.

Only problem iz, ‘olding up my Muzzer’s ‘ead iz thirsty work so pretty soon
ah need ah drink.

Muzzer ah zay, just do not ask me to ‘old up your big fat bottom.

Starting today, ah am training to be a War ‘Orze.
Training to be a War ‘orze, takes le skill and le dedication.

One must start by learning to control La stick.

From zere, one master control a la petit frond

Before moving on de le branch control

Zis iz very dangerous you understand and must not be attempted by just any old ‘orze…

But zen, ah am le type of ‘orze ‘oo court dangeur.

It can take a normal ‘orze many year to master, me ‘owever, learned mastery over le branch in less zan 3 minutes…

Zen ah take a break and move on to anozzer of mah disciplines – zat of le ‘armonica playing…

And zen ah check to zee what Le Uncle Persil is doing.
‘E iz talking to la girls through le fence as usual

So ah carry on at mah War ‘Orze practice using La Grande epole
(you can never ‘ave too much training practise)

Ah check to zee what ah would look like wiz a beard…
Not bad at all ah ‘ave to zay.

And finally, seeing az neither my Muzzerr nor le Uncle are taking any notice of me, ah come for a cuddle from my Uzzer Muzzerr.
Zumtimes, even a War ‘Orze like mahself need la cuddles, besides, she zink ah am le most brave, clever and ‘andzome War ‘Orze in le paddock.
And zat includez le Uncle.

Ah waz a bad boy so ah got told off by my Muzzerr AND Le Uncle.

My Muzzerr even look le other way when Le Uncle bite mah bum.

‘e apologise straight away and say ‘e ‘ave to bite me on my Muzzerrs orderz.

What did ah do zat waz zo bad ah ‘ear you ask?
(Apart from sabotage le family portrait yesterday)

Ah may ‘ave got a bit grumpy wiz mah Muzzerr when she would not play wiz me.

Ah also may ‘ave smeared a gob-full of slime out of le pond all over mah Muzzerrs nice shiny coat.

‘Ow waz ah to know she would get zo upset about zat?

Mah Muzzerr dragged me over to my Uzzerr Muzzer after zat.

Here, she say, this is a very naughty boy, you deal with him.

Ah ‘ad to dress up in mah ‘alter and pose for a photo.
Ah look like a dweeb.

Zen ah waz made to apologize again.

Ah am getting good at looking apologetic even when ah am not.