Today I learn about a small matter of pronounciation.
Le Uncle too me aside to talk about ‘ow ah mistook what ‘e said to me yesterday.

‘Mate’, he said, ‘you’ve got some apologizing to do’.

Ah feel like ah am always apologizing for something so ah am not keen.

‘What do you mean ah ‘ave some apologizing to do’, ah zay.

‘e took me away from La Muzzerr and ‘e explain the difference between farting and fighting.

Zuddenly ah don’t feel zo smart.

‘Go orn now mate’, ‘e zay, ‘apologise to your Mother’.

And ‘e shoves me towards ‘er.

‘Muzzer,’ ah zay, ‘Muzzerr’ she doez not look ‘appy to be stopped from ‘er ‘oovering le paddock.

‘Muzzerr, ah need to talk to you about le difference between farting and fighting’.
Now she does not look pleased to see me at all.

Zo ah rush over to ‘er and ah burst out crying like Le Uncle zaid ah should.

‘Muzzerr,’ ah zob, ‘ah am zorry ah realize now  Le Uncle told me to FIGHT for freedom’.

‘ah ‘onestly thought ‘e zaid to FART for it’.

‘Did your Uncle put you up this too?’ she zaid.

‘Ow does mah Muzzerr know everyzing?’

Today, as Mah Muzzerr and ah share breakfast, ah ask ‘er,
‘ow come ah not run az fast az Le Uncle’?

We ‘ad been watching Le Uncle gallop laps around le paddock.

‘e go az fast az a rocket; a very fast one.

Even la Cat, Flossom MacFearsome waz impressed.
She can only imagines going zat fast.

Ah ask le pooch if ‘e know ‘ow to run zo fast, but ‘e is an idiot.

Zo ah decide to ask Le Uncle.
at first ‘e wasn’t very impressed az ah interrupt ‘iz num time, but zoon,
using flattery technique taught to me by ‘im, ah win ‘im over.

‘Le Uncle’, ahd zay, ‘you are a very fast (and ‘andzome) ‘orze,
ah want to be zat fast one day, what iz your secret?’
Zon, ‘e whisper in mah ear, it’s called hard yakka.
You’ve got to fart for it’.

Well of course now I can’t wait to try zis.
‘Fart?’ ah zay, and ah am very pleased az, ah come from a long line of family farters – it iz something ah am very good at.
‘Like zis’? you mean…

‘No, no’ zay le Uncle, ‘you’ll have to do better than that, mate, put some effort into it’.
Ah try again and all of a sudden…

Ah am off  like a rocket, speeding across le paddock before ah know what to do wiz mah legs.

As ah slow down ah let rip again and zis time ah am propelled up.

And off.

‘That’s it son’ zay Le Uncle.

Zere iz no one ‘oo can fart like me. Ah am a Freedom Farter. Ah am farting for mah independence.

But all of a zudden, Quelle ‘orror, I zeem to ‘ave run out of gas.

Ah am becalmed!

Next zing ah know, mah Muzzerr storms across le paddock,
shouting at me not to be such a silly little boy and Le Uncle iz banned from playing wiz me again and nobody iz allowed to fart again.

Today Le Uncle asked if ah could ‘put in a good word wiz mah Muzzer’.

What word would you like me to use? ah ask.

Ah know lot’s of good words now, ah explain

‘No no Mate’, ‘e zaid, ‘you misunderstand me, ah want you to tell your Mother that I am a ‘Bonzer bloke’’.

Zat waz two words but ah did not point zat out; instead, ah tell ‘im ah will inform mah Muzzerr immediately.

Ah ‘ave no idea what a ‘Bonzer Bloke’ iz but ah ‘ave an idea it mean ‘e is like
la bonza tree.

No one is going to trim mah roots. Not even Le Uncle.

Don’t touch le ‘air ah zay.

You are not going to trim mah roots.

Later on, Le Uncle tell me ah should clean mah teeths more often.

Zo ah secretly polish zem on ‘is cheek right ‘ere

Zen ah go and look for mah Muzzerr to tell ‘er zat Le Uncle iz a Bonza Bloke.
On le way ah come across mah Fazzer and something awful appen.

I sniff mah Fazzer’s ‘ead zo ‘ard ah sniff al ‘iz mane off.

Muzzerr, ah wail, just in case she ‘az zeen what ‘appen, ah ‘ave done something terrible without even trying.

What iz it son? When ah realise she ‘as no idea what ‘appen, ah am too buzy wailing up a storm of sincerity to answer ‘er.

Zen ah notice Le Uncle glaring at me.
‘BONZA BLOKE,’ ‘e mouths.

Ah give a big loud insincere sniff.

‘Son’, mah Muzzer says, in la growly voice she uses when she is cross wiz me, ‘what have you done?’ she must ‘ave sensed la insincerity.
Right about zen ah ‘ad another brilliant idea.
‘Ah forgot to clean mah teeths’ ah zaid, and added,  ‘Le Uncle iz a Bonza Bloke and ‘e ‘elped me clean zem’.
Mah Muzzerr, iz now very impressed wiz Le Uncle, ah can play wiz ‘im any time ah want.