Quelle ‘orreur, today a most ‘orrible thing ‘appen.
Muzzer and Le Uncle ‘ave absconded to le paddock next door leaving me be’ind to look after le senile Monsieur Patterson.

Ah call out to Muzzerr. ‘Muzzerr,’ ah say, ‘you seem to ‘ave forgotten me, your only son’.
But she ignore me and continue with ‘er ‘oovering.

Ah am very upset. Ah decide that ah will die now, then she will be sorry and come back.
Ah collapse to le ground.

‘Look Muzzerr’ ah yell, ‘ah am dead now so you ‘ad better come back’.
And ah roll about a bit groaning and moaning before lying still.

Then ah try anuzzerr position to be dead in.

It ees not very comfortable being dead.

Beside ah notice,  Muzzerr, she ees taking no notice at all!

So ah get up and ah gallop off and throw what Le Uncle call ‘a right wobbly’.

Ah can not believe they ‘ave forgotten me already.

Ah will show them. Ah am a war ‘orze and a war ‘orze need ‘is milk.

Ah stomp up and down le fence line.
Ah am a very impressive ‘orze.

Then ah see Monsieur Paterson, ‘e ‘as decided to try being dead.

Ah go over and tell ‘im ‘ow to do eet properly.

But ‘e ees ‘opeless at eet. ‘e ‘as no idea ‘ow to be dead.
‘You can not sit up eef you are being dead’ ah say helpfully.

‘e get to ‘is ‘oofs and ‘e tell me to buggeur off.

‘Can you do le spinach walk‘ ah yell.

The ah show ‘im mah peooff. Ah think  ‘e ‘as a very impressed look on ‘is face.

‘Now listen here,’ ‘e say, ‘dat is a simply brilliant piaffe, a horse like you should be in da Olympics no doubt about it’.
(at least ah think that what ‘e say – ah do not understand le Irish and ‘e ‘ad a ‘ole lot more to say about  ‘ow brilliant, ‘andsome and clever ah am)

But ah am too busy practicing le Spinach Walk again to listen to ‘im.


‘ah can also do le passage’ ah yell. Ah ‘ave been reading up on le dressage and ah know eet all. But Monsieur Paterson stick ‘is nose in le air.

‘Dats all a load of old bollocks’ he say, and ‘e stamp ‘is ‘oof.
‘What Oi tink is important’, ‘e say, ‘is how fast you can get to da watering hole’.

So ah then demonstrate mah turbo powered gallop.

Before slowing to a dignified canter in front of Uzzerr Muzzerr ‘oo ‘as been watching also.
‘Oh my poor little man’ she say, ‘are you OK?’
But ah ‘ave forgotten what ah am supposed to be not OK about.

Muzzerr ‘as been away so today, she suddenly appear.
We all rush over to find out  eef she ‘as carrots.
Monsieur Paterson race a’ead, ‘e ees very keen on le carrots.

‘Bonjour Uzzerr Muzzerr’ ah say casually, ‘So, where are mah carrots?’

But ah do not sense a single carrot.

Le Uncle ‘as ‘is ‘opeful carrot face on too.

‘e blame Monsieur Paterson. ‘e got to Muzzerr first and clearly ate all le carrots.
We all blame Monsieur Paterson. Le Uncle tell ‘im to ‘pees orrf’.

Uzzerr Muzzerr ees showing me ‘er teefs.

So ah show ‘er mine.

‘ere’, Uzzerr Muzzerr, ah say, ‘ah got teefs too’.

Then she open ‘er mouf wide and show me all ‘er teefs.
So ah do le same.

Then we show our teefs to les girls next door.

Ah do not know why we are showing our teefs to everyone but ah do not mind.
Ah a’ve clean teefs

‘Aye girls’, ah yell, ‘look at mah teefs’.

‘LOOK AT THEM’.

Muzzerr ‘as been embarressing me again.

I can not believe ‘er sometimes.
Even Monsieur Paterson can not believe ‘is ears.

‘PERSIL,’ yell mah Muzzerr, ‘PERRRSIL’

Le Uncle ees ‘iding be’ind a tree. ‘e ees not going to come out.
Once again ‘e ees een big trouble for doing nuzzing.
We do not blame ‘im for ‘iding be’ind le tree.

‘PERRSIL BEAUCOUP!‘ she bellow, ‘you come out here right now!’

‘Ahhh now would you listen to dat’ say Monsieur Paterson.
‘Tis da dulcet tones of a glorious mare’.
All ah can ‘ear ees a fog’orn.

‘Your flattery won’t work with me‘ shout Muzzerr,
‘You and that little Australian pony have been a bad influence on my son’.

‘Oh now, surely not’, say Monsieur Paterson,
‘your son never listens to us,
he is french, we can not be influencing da french’.
‘Ah do not listen to anyone,’ ah add ‘elpfully.

Muzzerr, stopped her shouting and looked ‘ard at us both.
‘hmmm, you’re right, Danny Boy, he does not listen to anyone’.

‘Ees this a good thing?’ ah ask Monsieur Paterson.
Fortunately ‘e ees ready to defend mah ‘onour.
‘Oi tink you’ll find da lad always listens to you now,Merlot,’
‘e say smoothly.

‘That’s because I am His Mother’ she reply and ah am relieved to see she ‘as calmed right down.

‘and a rather fabulous and very beautiful Mother you are my lass’ ‘e say. Now ‘e ees flattening ‘er for all ‘e ees worth. Ah say nothing.

‘Oh Lordy, it is a bit embarressing isn’t it,’ she say.
Ah can not believe she ‘as been taken een like that.

Le Uncle appears from be’ind ‘is tree.
‘You should be ashamed of yourself Merl’, ‘e say,
‘you’ve been behaving like a snake in patterned pyjamas all morning’.

Muzzerr got le giggles then.
‘Oh lordy’ she gaffawed, ‘a snake in patterned pyjamas,
imagine that…me!’

Ah am so embarrassed ah do not where to turn –
even Monsieur Paterson know when to clamp ‘is teefs shut.

‘MWHA HA HAAAAAAAAA’ goes Muzzerr.
‘Oh Lordy, what are we talking here? Houndstooth? Hawaian?’

Ah ‘ave no idea what she ees on about but Le Uncle
and Monsieur Paterson are some’ow, miraculously off le ‘oof.
‘and dat Son,’ say Monsieur Paterson, ‘is how de Oirish handle a grumpy mare’.