Yesterday ah waz convinced to walk up the tongue of le Monster and stand around inside for a bit.

After consulting with Muzzerr, ‘oo told me not to be such a big ‘Nancy Boy’…

and zen discovering zat inside le mouth of le Monster zere waz a selection of yummy nums ah decide ah would walk right in and ah wonder why all le fuss.
Ah am backed off and on a couple of times which waz annoying and all very boring ‘owever, ah did not zee any teeths or in fact le tonsils zat Le Uncle ‘ad been going on about and ah looked ‘ard.

La cats, Madame Possovitz and le elderly Monsieur Sticky Mooster were most impressed wiz mah bravery. Zey talk about it amongst themselves.

‘Zat is one brave ‘orse’ zaid Monsieur Mooster, ‘And ‘e’s zo ‘andsome and clever too’
Of course ah am not sure of ‘iz exact words as ah do not speak cat,
but ah know an impressed cat when ah zee one.

‘Aving got over mah ordeal, today, ah notice Le Uncle zampling zistle nuts.

Of course ‘e iz zo buzy with ‘is zistle nut zampling zat zis is too good an opportunity to miss.

Ah sneak up on ‘im…

Cleverly making sure zat ‘e iz still busy munching  ‘is nuts…

And ah bite ‘is bum.

Ah waz pretty sure ah ‘ad got away wiz it.

Zo just to be sure ah bite it again.

Only zis time ‘e get mad at me and tell me to ‘Bugger off’!
‘Bugger off you existentialist little John Paul Fartré’ was ‘iz exact words.

Zo zen ah ‘ave to run over to La Muzzerr ‘oo cuddles me
and tells me what a good little boy ah am.

She did not zee what ah did and ah am not telling ‘er.
‘Le Uncle call me a John Paul Fartré’ ah sob, which earns me a big drink
and a long boring talk about existentialism and John Paul Satre.

‘Ah am not John Paul Fartré ‘ ah zay.

Later on ah meet Le Uncle in le paddock and we ‘ave a chat.

‘Son’, ‘e zay, ‘you have got to stop running around playing the big Bum Biter’.

‘It’s not right,’ ‘e zay, ‘blokes like us don’t bite bums’.

Ah am so pleased to be called a ‘bloke like ‘im’, ah don’t even ask ‘im what we do do.

We stand around together and watch la girls next door for a while.

Zen ah get bored and ask Le Uncle if would like to play ‘Ad it up to ‘ere’.

‘I have had it up to here with you’ he roars.

‘Where?’ ah zay.

‘Le Uncle? Where ‘ave you ‘ad it up to?’

‘Le Uncle?’

‘E does not respond zo ah kiss ‘im.
‘E ‘ates it when ah do zis.

‘Look Mate, ‘e zay at last, ‘Your Mother and I have had it up to HERE’

‘No you ‘ave not,’ ah yell, while expertly ducking to the side…

Le Uncle ‘as not faced such brilliant manoeuvring in ‘is life before. ‘E iz up against le existentialist might of John Paul Fartré and ‘e don’t know what ‘as ‘it ‘im.

Today ah thought ah waz ‘earing voices…
‘CHEAP’it zaid. Waz it talking to me? Does sumbody zink ah am cheap?

Muzzerr and Le Uncle stood around snorting and giggling like big idiots.

Le Sheeps were listening in, zey want to know if ah cheaper zan ah look.

‘Crikey’ zaid Le Uncle Persil.

‘e always zay Crikey when he does not know what else to zay.

‘e pretend ‘e is not listening but ah know ‘e iz.

‘Cheap’ ah ‘eard it again,  and zis time ah zee ‘oo iz calling me cheap.

‘Are you calling me cheap?’ ah ask and ah use mah big growly voice.

Le Uncle look like ‘e just swallow le bird.

‘Cheap’ zay la bird but ‘e will not look me in le eye.

‘Just between you and me, ah am not a cheap ‘orze’.

‘CHEEEEAP,’ ‘e zaid, zis bird iz persistent, ah give ‘im zat.

Zen ah realise, ‘e iz not talking about me. Clearly ah am not a cheap ‘orze.
‘e iz referring to mah Muzzerr’s new ‘airstyle.

Today I waz in le middle of a deep sleep when ah ‘ear mah Muzzerr grumbling at moi from ‘alf way across le paddock.
Ah ‘ate it when she does zat, eet is embarrassing.

Ah realise ah better go and zee what ah ‘ave done wrong now.

Ah could not zink of anyzing zo bad ah had done in le last ‘alf ‘our.

Le Uncle came over to warn me about la Muzzerr’s mood.

‘Son’ ‘e zay, ‘I would not want to be in your hooves’.

‘You are in deep doo doos’ ‘e zay.

‘ah ‘ave done nothing’ ah zay, ‘she must ‘ave mistaken me for some uzzer little boy’.

But ah put mah apology face on and go and talk to mah Muzzerr.

‘Ah did not really zink you missed anyzing when you ‘oover’ah zay..

‘And when ah tell you  your bottom iz zis wide ah did not mean to compare it wiz Le Uncle’s girlfriends next door’.

But ah can tell she iz not believing me.

‘Muzzerr’ ah zay, ‘Muzzerr, wait…’

‘It waz not me ‘oo bit your bottom, zat waz zum uzzerr naughty boy –
Ah would never do such a zing’.

‘And ah waz only trying to ‘elp you go faster when ah pushed you from be’ind’.

‘And when ah make faces at Le Uncle ah waz joking.
Your Bottom does not really smell zat bad…Muzzerr?’

But Muzzerr is pretty mad wiz me and she is not talking to le uncle again either.

‘Halp me explain, Uncle Persil’, ah zay, ‘Muzzerr iz not listening’.

‘You’re on your own there mate,’ ‘e zay ‘if you want to behave like a great Galah with tickets on yourself, that’s up to you, don’t bring me into it’.
‘E iz speaking Australian again and ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e iz on about.

‘Muzzerr,’ah zay, ‘Muzzerr zere iz anuzzer little boy ‘oo look just like me –
only not quite az ‘andsome’.

‘‘e run around like zis and do stupeed stuff’.

‘For cherists sake’ zay le Uncle, ‘remember what ah told you about stroppy mares’

And suddenly ah do remember, ah rush after Muzzerr to apply zis knowledge.

‘Muzzerr, Muzzerr, you stroppy mare, ah love you’ ah yell.

‘Muzzerr, you are la most beautiful ‘orze in le ‘ole wide world’ ah zay when ah ‘ear le Uncle shouting at me not to mention anyzing about stroppy mares.

Ah am stretching the limit of mah sincerity ‘ere but it zeem to be working.

She slows down and ah tell ‘er zat she smell like a big bag of chaff.

Zat stopped ‘er. Zuddenly she all over me like a bucket of warm mollases.

And when she finally goes off to do more le ‘oovering,
well ah don’t know what got into me, ah just can’t ‘elp mahself…